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role reversal anyone done/do this i.e mum works full time dad stays at home/works part time

(10 Posts)
mothersmilkandherchickenseggs Thu 18-Aug-11 15:24:56

dh and i are thinking of doing this as his buissness is failing and we can no longer keep it afloat. But its becoming more and more obvious due to his line of work that it would be easier and more secure for me to go back to work full time and him to do part time work as and when it is availible untill youngest dc is in full time school (could possibly be earlier if he finds it picks up though this probably wouldnt be for a while and it woudnt be what i would call secure) im just wondering if any of you guys have done this and how it has worked? he says he doesnt mind and wouldlike for me to have a career but it just seems odd i guess i may deep down be a tradtionalist. I would love to go back to work having been a sahm for 5 years and never really had the chance to start a career as such.

WideWebWitch Thu 18-Aug-11 15:28:52

We did this for a couple of years as I earned more. It worked well, dh understood the children and how it felt to sah and I enjoyed working.

mothersmilkandherchickenseggs Thu 18-Aug-11 15:31:28

thanks a guessmy worry is that after the novelty wears off he may feel less of a man hmm these are my worries not his and if im honest it is not his charector at all he's a great dad and says he would love to be a sahd i just cant get my head round it

Wigeon Thu 18-Aug-11 15:38:05

DH and I shared the childcare of DD1 (I'm now on mat leave for DD2) and both worked part-time. I think that him both working and being in sole charge of DD1 made him a very complete man, not less of a man. And I can't see how being a father who cares for his children would make your DH less of a man. Are you less of a woman if you look after children?

This website is interesting on this question.

PogoBaby Thu 18-Aug-11 15:38:16

I work 4 days a week (condensed hours) and DH is a SAHD, has been since April and it works for us. DH doesn't ever feel like 'less of a man' and it's been long enough that the novelty should have worn off.

He is actually better as a SAHP then I would be as he sees it as a bit of a project so does somethign with DD everyday where as I tended to drift along a bit too much when I was on maternity leave.

If he is happy then go for it, but you need to make sure you can get past your worries about going against the tradional roles as those types of thoughts could start to cause resentment.

(two of DH's friends have also been SAHD's - their children are primary school age noe though - and both are typical 'macho' type men who adjusted to the role no problem)

Good luck

VelvetSnow Thu 18-Aug-11 15:47:00

big changes ahead OP, but now after some adjustment, it works very well in out household smile The advice I'd offer is as follows:

Discuss everything - housework, finances, getting up in the night with dc, shopping, socialising....

It would be a good idea to have a plan to begin with, instead of going with the flow (like DP & I) because it could lead to arguments.

After the 'honeymoon' period of having some time off work, DP started to feel really isolated, felt he was doing everything (which he wasn't) and even started to resent me for speaking to other adults during the day!

You both need to know what is expected of each other and be there to offer support and help to each other in your equally important roles.

Good Luck!

mothersmilkandherchickenseggs Thu 18-Aug-11 15:57:47

thanks guys mnet is always there with answers smile i actually think dh will probably do abetter job at being a sahp than me at the mo i do feel after 5 years iv lost myself a bit and would like the best of both worlds selfishly i guess. And at the mo finachially it would be the best. I wouldnt feel less of a mother i think on lookers might but then iv never cared about that. i think relinquishing control of the house and children might be something to overcome on my part.

LtEveDallas Thu 18-Aug-11 16:12:10

We do this. DH has been at home with DD for 6 years now (from her being 8 months old), and will be for at least another year.

I can understand your 'less of a man' thinking. DH did struggle with this at first - and it caused a few rows, but it was more his own pig-headdedness and worries over what other people would think. However, it sounds more role reversal in your case.

It took effort on his part to see that what he was doing was a 'real' job, and (if I'm honest) a lot of over the top praise from me before he came to terms with it - probably a year or so.

Now he proudly tells people he is home with DD - it has reared its head again since she went to school though and he has had a few comments about why he isn't back at work now (I think it is harder for him to find a school hours job than it would be if he went FT - and that is not an option yet). Most of the comments came from other men when DD was a baby, but now it is the school mums saying stuff (never mind that they are still at home??) DD likes being one of the only kids to be collected by dad, she also enjoys the things he does with her that I wouldn't do (latest achievement was hanging some shelves in the garage - he let her use the drill <<shudders>>)

The only thing he did miss was other adult company. There are lots of 'mums and tots' type groups, but none for dads - and the only time he braved our local group not a single person talked to him. He ended up becoming a regular at the morning 'Wacky Warehouse' session and took her to the gym in the afternoons! he also spent a lot of time in garden centres and the like.


DONT fall into my trap though of still doing most of the home stuff. DH looks after DD and does a bloody good job with her, but I'm still the one cooking and cleaning when I get home. It's my own problem, something I have bought on myself, but it doesnt make it any less tiring. DH just 'can't cope' with doing that as well...understandable when she was a baby maybe, but not now.

slug Thu 18-Aug-11 17:22:27

We did this for about 6 years. DH (much to both his mother's and my surprise) thrived in the role. He's a fairly solitary being, so didn't find the lack of adult human contact such an issue. He did find a very child friendly pup and eventually built up a group of drinking budies, some of whom were SAHDs too.

There are huge plus sides to the arrangement. DH has a good understanding of the trials of managing a household with small children. He became a really competent cook over the years, and DD has built up a really good relationship with her dad. He's taught her about bugs, beetles, birds and flowers and she knows men can be childminders, cooks, cleaners and carers, something I hope she'll hold onto when choosing a partner of her own.

hairylights Fri 19-Aug-11 19:01:15

Well be doing this. It isn't odd and it isn't "role reversal" it is what is right for us and it is fairly common these days.

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