2nd week back at work and freaking out!!!

[essexmumma]

Ok I am sat here working from home whilst my 14month is at her childminders and i feel sick with guilt! I miss her terribly, am doing a new role as im part time and not enjoying it - i only returned so we didnt have to repay my maternity pay. Work have thrown me in which is ok but its pretty strange.

I know its early days but its heart breaking. This week my little girl has began waking in the night which she has never done since 5 weeks unless poorly and is so tired that when i pick her up she is ready for bed so there is no time for us. I hate it but have no choice. Even on my days off i feel miserable because I know work is not far away - this isnt good for her either. I am i the only one to not cope with it?

[AlaskaHQ]

You poor thing. I feel so sorry for you. 14 months is often a bit of a clingy time for little ones, but she should get used to the new arrangements soon, and it might all seem a bit better in a couple of weeks time. Can the childminder let her nap a bit more in the day? How long do you have to stay to not repay maternity pay? You could see this as just a temporary thing for a few months, which might make it all feel a bit more manageable. How come you managed to wait until 14 month before returning to job - did you have lots of holiday accrued?

[essexmumma]

thank you for replying! Yes our childminder is fantastic, she gives her usual nap and bit extra if needed and we recieve a picture of her each time to show us she is happy. I have to stay for a year and when I think about it I just get so sad, it feels like forever without her. I even wish they would make me redudant (awful but true).

I try and take it day by day which makes it more manageable.

I did acrue lots of holiday hence the long leave but part of me wishes I had of just got on with it at 12 months so I would be now nearly 3 months in!! There are lots of things I wish I had known:(

[SharkSkinThing]

Aw, Essex - big hug for you (and a glass of wine).

I am about to go through the same thing in 6 weeks when DS is a year old. To say I do not want to is an understatement. I feel like I am being asked to rip my heart out and leave it in the street. But money, circumstances etc, I have no choice. Have begged DP to find a way but he won't agree, even though we have some money saved. I understand, it's a family decision, but there is a tiny dark part of me that hates him for it, and I don't know if I will ever forgive him for this.

How was today for you? Please keep posting, and let us know how it is all going.

Hope you are at home having a big smooch with your DD! xx

[DGmum]

Hi, I'm also in my 2nd week back at work Essexmumma and think I'm not allowing myself to think about how I feel about it as I've hurt my neck today and wonder if it's all the tension I'm carrying and trying to ignore! My DS is 9 months old and I put him in nursery 1 day a week from 6 months and did some keeping in touch hours on those days. I hoped this would help us both to adjust. He's become quite clingy in past few days and I feel guilty leaving him all day knowing I completely missed out on his day. I also don't have much choice financially though and I've generally always enjoyed working (not every job!) and getting paid! I hope my son will be proud of me one day. I do think women have a right to be happy at work and also be mothers and I hope that I can find this balance. I also have Tues and Wed afternoons off which helps to break up the week and work those mornings from home, I don't think I could commute 5 days a week full-time, i feel lucky to work reduced hours.
I'm not sure if this helps, but I do totally understand your heartache!

[ladykay]

I will have to put my second child into nursery in 2 and a half months. It has weighed on me slightly throughout the maternity leave but for one thing I believe I am very lucky to have this time (and I'm only on statutory) and for another, it was putting my first child into nursery that absolutely ripped my heart out, but he is SO HAPPY THERE. He will go to school soon with all the little friends he has been with for three and a bit years. I wish I could have started him later but then all his friends started at the same time and have all turned out fine, plus is there any good time to start? The two year olds who are starting nursery for the first time can actually say "please Mummy don't leave me" and I think that's worse! They all settle down, quicker than the parents. Like I say, it broke my heart but my son has so much confidence and so much fun. He does get very tired too but I have to work and so we are both living our lives - at least he gets tired from climbing, cooking, painting, laughing, singing etc. Please remember you are not just abandoning them. I am quite often trying to do the housework/jobs in the day but their daycare is completely geared towards their development. I know it's all hard but it's just another part of their rich lives really. It will be fine.

[SharkSkinThing]

DG - that's a really valid and important point, that you want your son to be proud of you. I want my son to also know that Mum/women work, that we are equal in terms of bread winning and that I do a job which is important to me.

Still hurts, though!

Lady - lovely post, really lovely, made me feel much better. Hope it did the same for you, Essex!

I went to go and see my childminder again this week, and gosh, she's so nice. She has a DS 2 months older than mine, so I like that fact she's still very in that zone with her boy, too. Plus, by the time we've done settling in, had holidays and what not, my DS won't actually start with her until September 1st, even though I'm back at work at the end of July, DP will be having DS in between, too. Very lucky, in that respect!

[essexmumma]

thank you all for your support!! I found it so helpful - I am one of few friends who has had a baby yet so this was my source of comfort and it helped. It is nice to feel like you are understood.

I feel better about it now but the guilt was horrific dropping her off this morning as she clung onto me for the 1st time. I could hear her screaming as i got in the car - i felt so sad and cruel. Will that happen everytime from now on?? I know she settled as the childminder text me but i want my baby to be happy.

I thought by having a 6 week settling in time had worked as we have never had tears before but maybe she has got wise to it and knows im leaving.

Thank you all again! means so much x