HELP - Emotional Development of 6yo G&T Daughter...

[realmum]

So, DD is in Year1, not being stretched at school but I'm trying to make up for this at home (see my last post for suggestions posted to my cry for help!)...
The school quite rightly have pointed out that though she is way ahead in academic terms, her emotional development is really rather behind. Not helped by being an only child - tho not spoilt (but perhaps used to more attention at home), and on the whole she is sociable and out-going. She's not got any friends on her level (in terms of imaginative play, level and content of conversation) and seems just about to get by with a few friends who can put up with her "differentness". She seems to struggle when one of them comes round after school - I think she kind of gets bored with their level of play (?) and stops giving any input. Just worried that these fragile friendships will wither away - she has been at this school for four months after we moved house recently.
The school say she plays well enough at playtime, though for some reason she tells us she has no-one to play with (??). She also says she is "tired" a lot when she is no such thing ie just can't cope with the emotions going on.
She does bottle things up quite a bit - I only get real response from her despite my efforts, when it all gets too much.
Please, any ideas or thoughts???

[cornsilk]

It sounds like she is struggling with her social skills. This would make her tired.

[realmum]

Any ideas on helping her develop social skills? I think this is what it all comes down to really... and I'm much more concerned about this than her academic development...

[cornsilk]

didn't mean to stop posting there! I would encourage play dates but maybe keep them a bit shorter if she's struggling ,help her out a bit if she's flagging.

[Themasterandmargaritas]

Realmum, your dd sounds similar to mine who is now 8. She is on a different level to the other girls in her class/year which the teachers admit, often she upsets them as she talks/acts in a different, i suppose, more mature way. We have had issues for the last two years over the way she talks and acts, dd genuinely can't see that she is doing anything untowards but is trying so hard to hold back and not dominate the others.

I'm afraid I don't have any definitive solutions to offer, but wanted to give you some support.

We have found a couple of more like-minded children, one girl and one boy that she gets on fabulously with. Have you thought about after school clubs in something she is interested in? This is how we found dd a good friend, away from the school environment.

You could also encourage her to play up a year and find friends in the year above, this has worked pretty well for us, but we are in a small community where she knows a lot of older children.

I'm afraid we have a lot of emotional outbursts and often it is tied to a particularly difficult time at school.

[realmum]

I know this sounds pathetic, but I really struggle with exactly this - it feels like trying to get an 8 year old to be friends with a 5 year old... all her friends are younger than her which really doesn't help. It kind of boils down to the fact that they are happy to sit and do colouring-in for half an hour, while she will do that for 5 minutes to please them and then thinks it should be her turn. But she wants to play elaborate role-play games - or equivalent
Any strategies or ideas? I do think keeping it short is a good idea, I always feel I should offer tea as well but then am frazzled by the time it gets to half past five!

[Themasterandmargaritas]

Can't you invite older dc to play?

If you do do the playdates then why not do it out and about, so at a park for example? Or do biscuit/cake making/something everyone can enjoy together?

Alternatively just don't do playdates, not if it stresses you and her out.

[realmum]

Thank-you for that last message "Themasterandmargaritas" - I managed to miss it as I was typing feverishly away! It does help at least to know there is a similar situation out there, even if no solution... She does go to Rainbows locally but of course that stops at age 7 anyway. Am thinking about a drama group to do the social side and stimulation as well. All money well spent I hope
Any more suggestions gratefully accepted.

[GooseyLoosey]

Sounds quite like ds (nearly 7). I think to other children he comes across as a know-it all and too loud (both of which we recognise and work with him on). Things have improved dramtically with ds as he has got involved in team sports. It gives him a structured basis to play with the other children and at the same time, as he does not excel at them, his usual traits do not get in the way.

Might extra-curricular activites (rainbows, gymnastics etc) help your dd?

[Granny23]

If you had 2 DDs aged 5 and 8 you would expect them to play together some of the time. When mine were that age I found that more physical actives suited best e.g. swimming (more just playing in the pool really) Walking in the countryside, big park, looking for fir cones, baking, dancing. Otherwise DD2 had to accept being pupil to DD1s Teacher.

[Oblomov]

Although ds(6) is not G&T, he is pretty bright. And he struggles a bit.
I work 2.5 dyas , so he goes to after school club and really likes the older boys. It has been recommended that we find him a club - not sure what yet, like Judo, Karate, or Beavers. where he will also be mentally stimulated. but socially will help aswell.
could that help you ?

[cory]

I think a mix of solutions is most likely to help: a club with like-minded children will sort some of the problem; expecting the dd to adapt to other children (as she would have to with younger siblings/cousins/mindees at childminder) part of the time also seems reasonable (though, Granny, it is a fact that other children of the same age will not be as happy to subside into a pupil role as a teacher would be); it is also likely that the situation will get easier as they move onto junior school, as the other children will catch up to some extent and your dd will learn more about social skills. But that still doesn't make it easier for her today.

I think the club is probably the best way forward. And, as Granny says, physical activities that can be enjoyed by different ages.

[realmum]

Mmmmmm, team sports and competitive games opens up a whole other can of worms --- another issue is that having found everything at school impossibly easy, dd has never actually had to TRY at anything. Consequently, when we do put her into sports etc (and believe me, we do!) she is really not great at putting in the effort required. Persevering with it ? she does swimming lessons at which she is okay and gets lots of encouragement for the effort she puts in rather than the result.
All the more interesting because I am just the same ? no idea about gifted, but never had to stretch myself academically; and I have a horrid tendency to avoid taking part in things I know I?m not going to do well at. Likewise, any thoughts on this..???

[Oblomov]

Think that is normal. I and ds only like doing things we are good at. How can you change that trait ?
I almost had to bully ds to leaern to ride his bike. was sorted in 1.5 days !!

[realmum]

amidaiwish, do you have any tips on working on the not trying thing - I can really see how important it is.
Wish we had a G&T co-ordinator as helpful - it's nothing more than a label here... Thanks for your post BTW - I've just had a look at Club Penguin, I must have completely mis-judged it previously, I thought it was up to age six, not FROM age 6. DD will love it - computers are her big passion

[cory]

great advice there from amidaiwish

with the "not trying" thing, selling some kind of hobby outside of school hours can work wonders

I sneakily got dd interested in drama by reading Ballet Shoes to her...

my parents told me the tales of Odysseus, which sort of led on to my wanting to learn Ancient Greek

my db got his son interested in music, and then in composing

those are the kinds of things that can never get too easy, because you can always push yourself harder

[amidaiwish]

i like cory's angle - get them interested and let them lead the way.

dh bought an electronic solar system thing - from that she became really interested in space.

she will be finding school tiring, she'll be giving 110%, reading everything, examining everything, heightened by her recent move.

[Themasterandmargaritas]

yes we have the issue with the 'not trying' element too especially with team sports. I've encouraged and cajoled, and slowly she is realising she is better at these things than she thought, though, tbh, she is still not terribly interested in them.

Could you float a few ideas to dd about what types of things she may like to do?

You could do it in a playful way, for example, 'If you were at a school where you had HAD to choose two activities from the following; horse riding, drama, swimming, tennis, chess club, french club, arts and crafts, which would you choose?' See what kind of reaction you get.

Then suggest the two of you see if you can find something nearby to suit her interest. Try planting a few seeds of an idea, being enthusiastic and positive, let her think about it for a while and she may come round to the idea herself.