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What do you do if hypersensitive DC can't ignore your DC who feeds off negative attention?

(140 Posts)
EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck Tue 07-Nov-17 10:42:02

I've posted here because I've read that her intelligence could be the reason she finds it so difficult to ignore him.

It seems unfair to ask her to ignore him when she finds it impossible, but how else can I improve his behaviour? Should I teach her to love bomb him? confused

SandSnakeofDorne Tue 07-Nov-17 10:43:41

Are these your DC so you're talking about what's happening at home? Or is this an issue at school? How old are they?

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck Tue 07-Nov-17 10:50:30

Yes, they're my DC. They're 10 and 6. DD 10 is the hypersensitive one. DS2's been doing this since he was 2. I kept telling DD to "ignore, ignore, ignore", then I read that GAT people find it difficult to ignore being deliberately wound up. Have I been unfair on her?

BestZebbie Tue 07-Nov-17 10:52:24

Is there anywhere at home where she can physically get away from him? :-/

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck Tue 07-Nov-17 10:55:00

They share a room, so I have one in the bedroom and one in the TV room if he starts. It's more of a problem when we're out, like on the way to school, for example.

fleshmarketclose Tue 07-Nov-17 10:56:03

Give ds a consequence for winding up his sister, why should dd have to ignore? Surely the key is sorting out ds's behaviour and I say this as dm to 5 with differing needs.

PandasRock Tue 07-Nov-17 10:57:59

What kind of winding up?

She has to find a way of dealing/coping, and he has to start behaving, tbh!

And I know this isn't as easy as it sounds.

I have 3 dc, all have ASD. dd2 is my 'sensitive' one, who cannot ignore/forget/brush things off. Ds is the one who keeps pushing, keeps going on, keeps winding up (he's 5).

On some level, it's part and parcel of family life, all have to find a way to work with it. Dd2 has worked at ignoring/not reacting, and is getting better at this (she's 10). Ds is having to learn that he can't have everything he wants, when he wants - normal small child stuff.

They both have learned that dd1 (severe ASD and learning difficulties) can't be wound up - she doesn't understand it, and it's not fair to distress her.

Compromise (the family life bit) is key; perfection is never possible, so there will be ups and downs.

2014newme Tue 07-Nov-17 10:58:20

Why does your youngest child behave like this? How do you deal with that behaviour, that would be my focus. And I'd live without a tv room and let older child have their own room

RavingRoo Tue 07-Nov-17 10:59:15

Your son needs to have stricter punishments. 6 is not too young to face consequences for bad behaviour. Also, at 10, your dd needs privacy. She’ll be going through puberty soon if she hasn’t already. Need to rethink them sharing tbh.

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck Tue 07-Nov-17 11:01:53

Only because he seems to feed off negative attention, a consequence is just having his actions acknowledged. Also, he's still been rewarded by DD's screaming, crying or running away. Believe me, I've tried consequences.

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck Tue 07-Nov-17 11:05:42

Our TV room's tiny, too small for a bedroom, it's also where we eat, the kitchen's too small for a table. We're going to put up a folding screen to partition their bedroom.

MerryMarigold Tue 07-Nov-17 11:06:25

Sounds like she needs her own space. We've just divided a bedroom into 2 as this dynamic happens in our family. Sometimes ds1 needs privacy and sometimes (often) ds2 needs to be sent to his room to read. Ds2 is the GAT one, gets bored easily and gets a kick out of pushing people's buttons for entertainment.

MerryMarigold Tue 07-Nov-17 11:08:52

There's a good video about bullying.going around at the moment. Describes it as someone trying to win by getting the reaction. If you react you lose. Would age understand that?

RavingRoo Tue 07-Nov-17 11:09:49

It’s bullying. If this were my son I would punish him for a week with no fun stuff, no TV, no toys, nothing outside of school and extra homework.

SimoneOfHouseDavies Tue 07-Nov-17 11:11:19

You could be talking about my kids! Exactly the same situation here, same ages, dd and ds.

We do punish ds for being a dick winding his sister up, we seperate them (easier for me as they have seperate rooms) and I do try to spend time with them each individually so they feel that they get my attention without fighting and arguing. I think it comes with the territory with siblings but it is my ds that often instigates issues by winding up dd and she really struggles to ignore him, but she shouldn't have to really.

Part of it is ds is not very good at entertaining himself and needs alot of stimulation and attention, whereas dd will happily play, draw and read etc by herself. We've been working on getting ds to play nicely on his own sometimes and be comfortable in his own space and it is working, he's getting much better. I started off instigating games with him and slowly being less and less involved until he was just playing by himself and now he will regularly play on his own for a bit.

Sometimes, if I find him winding dd up I start giving him things to do like homework books, helping with house work etc and eventually he gets fed up and saunters off to go and play quietly, trying not to be noticed by me lest I give him more jobs to do 😂

StormTreader Tue 07-Nov-17 11:11:20

What consequences do you give him for winding her up on purpose? Its rather unfair if shes stuck in the house with essentially a bully and is being told "put up with it".

zzzzz Tue 07-Nov-17 11:16:01

Most children who “thrive on negative attention” actually just thrive on attention full stop. I wouldn’t teach her to ignore him or “love bomb” him, I’d step up and give him the attention he needs.

2014newme Tue 07-Nov-17 11:18:03

He sounds like he needs some parenting. Feel very sorry for your dd that you do bugger all to manage his behaviour it's really poor parenting tbh.

Butterymuffin Tue 07-Nov-17 11:20:09

What consequences have you tried that haven't worked?

fleshmarketclose Tue 07-Nov-17 11:21:55

I think you are being unfair to dd and excusing ds's behaviour and justifying your not addressing his behaviour as it would be giving him what he wants tbh. I'd say that you haven't found the right consequence for ds if he enjoys the attention a consequence would bring.You need to find something that would really send a message to ds.
So when mine were smaller pairing socks was a dreaded chore for ds and that was a consequence for him, dd absolutely loved being sent to her room and so her consequence was shadowing me instead as I reasoned if she couldn't behave then I'd need to have her in my sight for a while. Other ds absolutely hated talking about what I hadn't liked about his behaviour and so a good serious chat was his consequence and I'd make sure I laboured the point.One ds liked attention so annoying dd would have meant that dd would have needed my undivided attention and so ds would need to be in in bed 15 minutes earlier and dd 15 minutes later to facilitate this.
There are always consequences that hit home you just need to find the right one.

SimoneOfHouseDavies Tue 07-Nov-17 11:25:16

Just give him stuff to do OP, after dealing with it myself a lot of it just comes down to boredom. And I soon learnt it was unreasonable to expect dd to always ignore him. On the way to school, start a conversation with him about something he's interested in or play "I spy".

SandSnakeofDorne Tue 07-Nov-17 12:18:08

It's interesting that your ideas about solutions focus on her coping rather than him behaving. Is his behaviour poor in other ways? Do you feel that she is easier to control so that's the easier solution? The obvious answer is to give him a lot more attention and her her own space. But it's not always that easy in real life.

2014newme Tue 07-Nov-17 12:34:27

Has she be diagnosed with hypersensitivity or is it just you saying she us because she finds her younger sibling a pain?

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck Tue 07-Nov-17 12:48:21

No, she hasn't been diagnosed, but she definitely has sensory issues affecting all 5 senses. Sight more than hearing, when she was 2 she was okay with fireworks as long as she had her back to them. She seems to be gradually growing out of it.

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck Tue 07-Nov-17 12:52:03

I, and the school, are doing a lot to manage his behaviour, but any negative attention makes him worse. He behaves perfectly if DD goes on holiday without him, at school, and at the play scheme that they go to, where they just ignore each other.

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