G&T DS feels 'different' and getting increasingly upset about it

[Yayitsfriday]

DS is in year 5, and since the beginning of this academic year has been increasingly unhappy. He cries often, for no apparent reason, and feels that he is different from the other children. He is G&T in maths (from very young), and in top set for everything else at school. He also has dyspraxia and low muscle tone, and struggle with sports (although he is much better than he was) and is not at all into rough and tumble games that the other boys seem to like playing at school. His class is particularly disruptive with lots of boys who like to just play fight (yes, still in year 5!), run, chase each other and play football - which inevitably turns into fights.

He really struggles to make friends as he thinks the other children in his class are laughing at him. He doesn't 'fit in' and gets teased at school for being the brainy, clever child. I don't think he is being bullied, maybe just excluded - or he excludes himself. He also struggles to understand some of the social cues and often thinks that other children don't really like him, but they do want him to play with them.

He appears to show signs of depression (I hate to use this word), anxiety, struggles to fall asleep, sometimes doesn't want to eat, doesn't want to go out of the house and/or refuses to participate in some of the activities that he likes the most (Cubs, drama, music).

I use to think it was school but I think it's more that he may have deeper issues, and I would like to have him assessed for autism as he shows some 'symptoms' especially when it comes to social skills. But I am not sure how to go about it - GP? School?

Anyone else with experience of G&T child feeling 'different', teased, or socially awkward? How do you deal with it? Many thanks!

[Mycarsmellsoflavender]

He sounds a bit like a mix between my 2 sons, both of whom are now diagnosed with ASD. I'm not saying it is, btw, just that it could be. DS1 got through school up to year 4 without any obvious problems but from year 5 started on a steep decline in his mental health and behaviour and this was the first time, at age 10, that autism was mentioned. Have you spoken to his class teacher or headteacher about this? Des he have a support plan at school? We were advised by the school to go to the GP, who then made a referral for an autism assessment. Be warned, the NHS waiting list is about 2 years! DS1 was only diagnosed after he had left primary school.

Given that your DS has just completed year 5, you will need to apply for his secondary school by the end of October which isn't far off. Do you think he can cope in a mainstream secondary school with support? I ask because we were in a similar position with regards to timing and without a diagnosis or an EHCP in place at that point, we were unable to apply for a specialist placement for him. His mental health had deteriorated to such an extent that we ended up homeschooling for the whole of year 7 during which time we applied and were accepted for a place in a specialist school. I don't want to sound all doom and gloom, but just to make you aware that nothing moves quickly in the NHS or in the world of EHCPs and school applications, so to be prepared.

[nonicknameseemsavailable]

speak to your GP or school senco. It would sound to me like he might be on the ASD spectrum. My eldest was assessed for it but she can cope socially so we have left it at the moment although the paediatrician told me we can go back at any time if we feel a diagnosis might be in her best interests. The process can be long and drawn out as they like to see them over an extended period and they require info from the school as well as parents. There will be speech and language assessments as well as appointments so it could take a while and the earlier you start the process the better. Personally I would get in touch with the GP and see if you can get it started before term starts in september. referrals will no doubt go up once schools get their new intake and discover new children who are showing signs of suffering with some problems. Might make you a bit further up the list.

It can be hard, depending on severity of problems, some children cope very well, some aren't really aware of being different, for some the differences become less apparent once the rest of the cohort matures and at secondary school there is a wider mix of people so the chances of him finding some others with the same interests as him are greater. Some of course find things harder as they get older. The sooner you can start the process the better.

I wish I could offer more advice but he sounds like he has a good family base with a loving home and that is the best you can be doing at the moment x

[FlumePlume]

Anyone else with experience of G&T child feeling 'different', teased, or socially awkward? How do you deal with it? Many thanks!

Yes! Dd1 feels the same way - teased about being the clever one, socially awkward, not good at sport. I've tried a few things:

• extra-curricular stuff, which both provides challenge (ie things she can't do right first time, which is important I think) and a different social group.
  
• talking to the school, they did some social skills stuff (not sure it made any difference to her, but it did raise her teacher's awareness of the issue a bit and meant she got more support in the playground and in managing friendships in general)
  
• planning that she'll go to an academically selective secondary school (she can't wait)
  

I do think that a mixed ability class of 30 is quite a difficult place to be for a very bright but socially awkward child - they're constantly trying not to show how frustrating it is to work so slowly because they'll be teased and / or told off, and they're often put in positions where they have to stop doing stuff they enjoy and find easy (academic work) and instead do stuff they find hard (working in a group, explaining stuff to others). These are all things that are good for them in the long term (working in a group, being patient, being able to explain as well as do) but I think it's easy to under-estimate how hard it is for them to be mature enough to see this, when they would much prefer to crack on with what they see as the point of the lesson (ie the academic bit) at the speed that's right for them.

[PelorusJack]

I'd speak to the school and to your GP. Your son may just be in a class that happens not to suit him. There are plenty of non-sporty non-rowdy brainy boys around some may have ASD some won't. Feeling different and like the odd one out is also very normal - it may mean something and it may not.

I'd go to the professionals and ask for their opinion.

[PelorusJack]

Sorry I've just reread my post and it sounds a bit dismissive, I didn't mean it to. .

[nonicknameseemsavailable]

I know what pelorusjack is trying to say. i do have a few friends with exceptionally bright children who perhaps are on the spectrum and perhaps aren't. All I expect will do very well in life but all have plenty of "quirks". I suppose the deciding factor for me in many ways would be the social issues and the happiness of the child but as pelorusjack has said at that age as well there are plenty of children who aren't on the spectrum who feel different, awkward, left out etc and lack social skills but it doesn't mean there is actually anything wrong.

socially you say he sometimes doesn't want to go to his clubs/activities. Is it possible perhaps that he could try a drama lesson of a few people rather than a big bustling drama group for example? perhaps less stressful if he is self conscious or nervous about it?

[2014newme]

My dd is a maths geek. She fits in fine at school and there are lots of others who enjoy maths it's no longer for the nerds.
Sounds like it's the dysprax that's the issue as he can't join in physically with the others.