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Thought this may be of interest

(10 Posts)
NewLife4Me Wed 13-Apr-16 16:36:35

Hi, we are having a nightmare with behaviour, discipline and possible SEN.
However, we have a very gifted child.
On my search for help, I came across this and thought it may help others.
giftedkids.about.com/od/familylife/qt/arguing.htm

irvine101 Thu 14-Apr-16 17:02:53

Thank you . Very interesting.

var123 Sat 16-Apr-16 06:31:04

The article says:-
1. Make the Rules Clear.
2. Make the Consequences for Breaking the Rules Clear.
3. Avoid Negotiating Consequences After a Rule is Broken.
4. Don't Argue Back.
5. Increase the Consequence if Your Child Continues to Argue.
6. Be Consistent and Follow Through with Consequences.
7. Make Consequences Reasonable and Enforceable.

I mostly agree, but I think the list is too dictatorial. If you just impose rules, some of which you may not have thought fully through, then I think you only set yourself up for a massive rebellion at some point, probably in the mid-teens. (That's me speaking with strong memories in my head of parents who really struggled to understand that I was able to think things through for myself and that some of their rules weren't appropriate by the time I was 16.)

When my children disagree, I tell them I'll listen to their views and if I am wrong then I'll acknowledge it and change the rule. I think its important that they learn to think things through and make wise, and fair, decisions, not just learn to blindly obey my rules. They are only 12 and 13, so its too early to say, but so far it has worked. They see the point of the rules, and they trust me not to be a little Hitler about making up ones just for the power trip. Also, they feel that they get a say and that takes away a lot of the frustration.

They also behave themselves - everyone comments on it - and if they do stray then they get a chance to explain themselves before accepting the punishment.

I do not mean to sound smug. Its just that I am imagining how my mother would've interpreted points 1, 4 and 5. She'd have made up rules, kept them for years, refused to listen to any explanation of why the rule should be amended and then got angry and ramped up the punishments if I had tried to force her to hear me out.

PiqueABoo Sun 17-Apr-16 18:15:55

Agree about 4 & 5. I shut down any stroppy/defensive tat, but if 12yo DD calmly presents a thoughtful, compelling argument then she gets her way and some sincere approval.

It didn't impinge on a very cheerful/playful childhood, but the long-standing deal here is that if DD fails to meet some fairly high expectations around trust and reasoning then we will impose some infantilising rules. DD has always wanted to prove she can cut it, so this suits both of us.

NewLife4Me Sun 17-Apr-16 20:19:21

I just thought the whole section of the site was interesting and hadn't seen so much info on gifted dc in one place before.
I either need to get out more or be more active in my research, or both grin

Paperkins Thu 09-Jun-16 17:21:00

NewLife - I've found this one quite helpful: VeryWell

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 11-Jun-16 16:54:26

It made me laugh DD is twice exceptional with truly awful visual processing, but auditory processing and verbal reasoning they are very high and far beyond her years.
She is 12 now, but when she left nursery at 4.5years they like to guess what the children would become DD they guessed criminal law barrister.
Now there are days when she would argue black was white, I have become a master at shutting this down.
My frustration lies with her father and his partner who refuse to understand how to work with her and she her as belligerent. His partner in particular loves to taunt her with 'you are not as clever as your mum thinks you are'. As Ex never attends meetings at school he is unaware that it is not me, but school who are saying she is gifted.

Singlemum1985 Sat 11-Jun-16 20:57:47

lonecatwithkitten

Please please please share how you "shut it down" as my gifted five year old could give barristers at the High Court a run for their money! I am still trying to find middle ground on the discipline front!! The rules, which we decided together, he see's more as recommendations if he feels like it!

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 11-Jun-16 21:26:40

At five there are certain situations in which I would not engage and used the ' because I am the Mummy and I say so' on repeat.
Now she is 12 and we clearly are heading down the 'black is white' pathway I state 'DD you arguing with me for the sake of arguing I am not prepared to discuss this further'.
Interestingly nowadays it relates to perceived injustices at school I ask her to discuss them with the appropriate authority if she is really that bothered.

Singlemum1985 Sat 11-Jun-16 22:21:54

Thank you, my line at the moment is ' Because I am the Mummy and you are 5 and I am in charge' (although clearly I am not most of the time haha). Just feels like I'm flogging a dead horse sometimes, I'm trying have faith he'll realise he's five and not 35 sometime soon! 😀

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