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(13 Posts)
Ihavenamechaged Wed 21-Oct-15 18:30:20

I have name changed for purpose of not been outed.

My DC has been a target of Bullying(Not serious yet).
My child is always happy and confident, but sometimes can be seen as over confident and bit of a smart Alec.

He has been attacked physically, though not serious yet, but from same year group and years above.

He is attending class from year above for certain subject, and I believe that's part of a problem. But also been attacked by the same year group,
from children who are loud and extraverted.

He is kind of a child who enjoys exploring the playground looking at the tree roots, talking about trivial things, and enjoys the company of small group who understand him. But they seems to be the target of children who find nerdy children an easy prey. Another problem is that he can talk the talk. He can't be intimidated by name calling and stuff,
which I assume makes them even more angrier, resulting in physical attack.

I have spoken to the teacher, but their response is not so good.
They say they cannot determine who is to blame, because my ds and friends say they started without any reason, and they say that our son and friends started it.

What should I do?
I might be delusional, but I don't think my child would pick a fight with anybody for no reason.

Can anybody help us? Teachers, what would you do in this situation?
I just want this to be sorted before my ds gets hurt badly.

madwomanbackintheattic Wed 21-Oct-15 18:38:00

I think it is probably less to do with the class above thing and more to do with the over-confident smart Alec thing, although difference of any sort can exacerbate this sort of thing during the pack years. Including looking at tree roots and being nerdy. If it helps, this generally turns into being very cool by about 13.

At the moment I would be just watching and waiting - physical attacks aside, if school are not sure who exactly are the perpetrators, I would not be absolutely convinced that my own child (who I describe myself as over-confident and a smart Alec) are not partially to blame for getting into fights.
But he does need to know to walk away and find an adult, rather than respond into name calling and what not if the group decides to pick on him. Standing up for yourself is fine, and a worthy notion. But in a school yard situation with kids who are likely to punch him, it's a definite choice.

var123 Wed 21-Oct-15 18:39:25

How old is he? Which school year? What sort of school?

madwomanbackintheattic Wed 21-Oct-15 18:42:41

<of course, gifted kids can have a higher inability to tolerate any form of unfairness or bullying, so it is entirely possible that he is unable to keep schtum and walk away, and so does engage. It depends if you favour his ability to stand up for what is right, or if you would rather he didn't get beaten up. In an ideal world the originator would be held to account, but in the real world it is often less clear cut>

It can be the devil's own job to get gifted kids to stop fighting for justice, lol. It shouldn't be a bad thing (and I do encourage it) but often it isn't a good way to guarantee self preservation.

You don't say how old he is?

Ihavenamechaged Wed 21-Oct-15 19:05:28

Thank you for your reply.

I really don't know what to do. He is 7.

I trust my child, but at the same time I know he can be irritating.

My DH tells him to fight back, and he can, if he wants to. He hasn't done it so far. He is good at martial arts. He can hurt them if he wants to.
That's another worry.

madwomanbackintheattic Wed 21-Oct-15 19:13:22

Physically fighting back? At 7? I'd say you had a bigger problem with your dh's attitude. And it will be in direct conflict to your ds's martial arts training.

Violence is not the answer. If he resorts to violence then he is reducing himself to the level of the attacker, with a very small disclaimer for self Defence which is probably not logical in terms of 7 year old boys in the school yard. If they both turn up with bruises, it's unlikely your son will be seen as doing the right thing. He will be just another kid fighting in the yard, however clever he is.

Ihavenamechaged Wed 21-Oct-15 19:21:21

I totally agree. The trainer teaches him not to use his skills outside, and he listen to him very well. But he expressed his feeling that when he was physically manhandled by big boys and thrown to the ground, he really wanted to hurt them.

He is mature for his age. He hates violence. In that respect, I'm quite confident. But if the school isn't helping, I don't know how long until I agree with my DH.

Lurkedforever1 Wed 21-Oct-15 19:42:14

Regardless of the wrongs and rights, I think you need to explain, in a child appropriate way, that sometimes, when others are on the losing end of a battle of wits, they'll change tactics and go for the physical battle. And that while he might not even perceive he's starting a battle of wits, others may well think he is.

So not that he just needs to willingly take any grief thrown at him, but he does need to consider whether he is unwittingly escalating things. And that either way if the end result appears he is equally responsible, then even if the other did initiate it, chances are the blame will be incorrectly attached to both sides.

Not victim blaming btw, just pointing out the reality. 7 is too old to be physically lashing out, but it's also not too old for it still to be a resort of extreme frustration and anger. 'Wind them up and watch them go' was quite fun in my teens, and can be quite handy used judiciously as an adult. And dd has occasionally used it to her advantage. But she's also used it unintentionally and been suprised by the fact others react badly, which is something they do need to be both aware of and prepared for.

Ihavenamechaged Wed 21-Oct-15 20:56:21

Thank you everyone. I think I calmed down a bit.

I was really frustrated from a response from teacher, even though I am aware that DS can be annoying sometimes, and not knowing what really happened.

But you guys are right. Once he harmed someone, self defence or not,
he will be as bad as others.

We had a talk, and told him to stay away from them, and don't go to the corner of playground looking for tree roots! smile , and stay visible to adults.
I guess he needs to be the mature one and try to stay away from trouble.
I really wish being a nerd could be cool thing someday.

var123 Thu 22-Oct-15 22:03:42

Its different at school these days from 20 -30 years ago. Now fighting is a rarity and dealt with severely. My sons are 11 and 13 and they have never heard the chant "Fight! Fight!" going up - they looked at me as if I had 2 heads when I asked them recently!

This works both ways though. The children who are hurting your DS are due to be in a lot more trouble than you might expect once the school does decide to take it seriously.

So, just for self-preservation alone your DS needs not to fight back (in school at least). What he can do though is tell the school. If the minimise it, get him to write a statement describing what happened in his words - he speaks and you write it down verbatim and then he signs and dates it . Ask for it to be put on his file.

I did this and the bullying got sorted out within hours. The HT was really rattled because they (schools) hate having things in writing.

A good phrase, should you decide to speak to the HT, is "safe-guarding". that also shakes them into action.

Ihavenamechaged Thu 22-Oct-15 22:35:30

Thank you. I will write down everything, and make sure he doesn't fight back!

Axekick Tue 27-Oct-15 07:53:44

Dd was badly bullied.

It escalated until the police were involved in year 6.

Schools do hate anything written down and recorded so start straight away.

His martial arts training should help him walk away. Dd has taken up kick boxing and would be banned from the dojo if she retaliated and hurt another child. Our Sensei always tells them, defending yourself from attack is ok, actually punching or kicking someone is not ok. All fights at school must be reported to Sensei too. Even minor ones.

Dd also has tendency to be a smart arse too. I also her remind her that throwing insults is also bullying. It's not ok to insult someone because they did it first. Take the high ground and walk away. Find an adult. Just don't engage.

He needs to take the high ground, not mouth off and walk away. I really disagree with what your husband said. It will only inflame it. Your son will end up in trouble, especially if he really hurts someone. And it could end up with more of them jumping in and him being even more hurt.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Tue 27-Oct-15 08:04:09

Your son is allowed to be who he wants, and this should.not result in any physical.harm. you are trying to justify the bullies behaviour. Thats normal, you are doubting your sons behaviour, again its normal.
BUT you need to back.your son, and believe in him to protect him from harm.

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