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Anyone else feel alienated?

(12 Posts)
xcloxcx Mon 07-Jul-14 11:55:46

My lo is still very young at 15 months but can do a lot more than other babies her age, she says about 60 words and forms simple sentences of a few words, can count and say colours and other things and I find myself having to keep my mouth shut all the time or having to say a lot "oh but she's bad at this..." Because other mums assume I'm trying to compete or bragging or online they think I'm lying and I'm so sick of it. I post a lot on babycentre about all different things, everyone else shares when their lo walks or talks or does other things and regularly lists what their lo can do and everyone congratulates them but if I share anything about my lo then I'm a terrible person for making others feel like their lo isn't as good/is behind or make them feel bad about their parenting style when that's not my intention at all and I would never ever say that about anyone but people make up their own things in their mind and then have a go at me and there's nothing I can do about it. I feel like I can't share my los achievements and have to keep quiet.

nonicknameseemsavailable Mon 07-Jul-14 12:50:06

you aren't alone. I remember hating baby groups as I couldn't ever say what my DD was able to do. Unfortunately the fact she was running around in the under 1s group (which they weren't prepared for) and talking in sentences was too obvious to hide and people didn't like it.

I would love to say it gets easier but it doesn't. People assume you have hot housed them because they can do things at a young age, I am always doing the same as you, pointing out things that my girls can't do rather than celebrating what they can do, the problem then is if the child overhears you as they then start to feel bad about things they can't do.

I very clearly remember one mother always telling me what her child could do and how advanced she was when they were things my child had been doing for months but I hadn't been able to mention. then I was in the position that she assumed my child still couldn't do these things (and would comment as such) but if I said 'well actually she has been reading for nearly a year) it would sound like sour grapes and as if I was making it up)

catkind Mon 07-Jul-14 21:56:17

As possessor of an academically average sort of DS I can promise I don't begrudge people with genius kids, and I know a couple. One is more out and proud than the other about it, either way is fine as long as it's in a nice way and not being snotty about it. We're all proud of our kids achievements whether they're 2 years early or 2 years late - perhaps most so when they're 2 years late and you were wondering if they'd ever do it at all. If people are unpleasant about your kids being ahead, go and find some nicer people to talk to!

As possessor of a currently ahead of average DD, I find it helps if you make it about their interests rather than their abilities. "Ah lovely, DD could read a year ago" = a put down, "Ah lovely, DD loves reading too, what's Alphonso's favourite book?" = a shared interest.

Jinsei Mon 07-Jul-14 22:33:01

I suggest you find a proud relative (grandma?) with whom you can share your dc's latest achievements and don't bother sharing elsewhere. That's what I did (do).

All DC are amazing to their parents. Very few are amazing to anyone else. smile

BlackeyedSusan Tue 08-Jul-14 01:02:41

find like minded friends/forum. there are some out there.

LynetteScavo Tue 08-Jul-14 06:17:24

You need to find a different forum. Ds1 could do things early, and when he was 3 /4/5 a few other mothers on observing what he could do accused me of pushing him, which was a little hurtful, but hey....I'm still not pushing him, and he's still doing ok. Overall I'm the lucky one. DH is the only person who delights in my DCs achievements as much as me - even Grandparents on both sides have a "well I'd expect nothing less of my grandchild" attitude. Can't win.grin

dalziel1 Tue 08-Jul-14 11:09:33

I think you will find that most mothers feel like you do when around other mothers.

Everyone thinks their child is the best overall and doesn't like to be proved wrong. When confronted with evidence to the contrary, the less generous ones fight back by either diminishing the importance of the achievement or trying to imply that the other mother's parenting must somehow be faulty.

In short, i do not think you can win. But neither can anyone else.

It is much better just to find some friends, who perhaps have slightly older children, and wait it out until your child is old enough to not be so obviously advanced.

It all starts again at school with avid book band comparisons, top table places and art work on the wall.

By the end of primary - where I am now - its all "My DC say your DS is very good at x but I think its important that childhood is just about being happy. They can be pushed later."

rocketjam Wed 09-Jul-14 12:58:15

Or simply, don't talk about it. It never occurred to me to state online or face-to-face what DSs were up to as toddlers. Or now. Imagine that, me putting DCs' school reports on here. It's up to you, but socially, it's not really the done thing. Most of the parents in my son's class know that he is very good at maths, I am always surprised when they mention it to me as I do not talk about it, to anyone except my best friends. \other parents know because their children talk about it at school

I am a child-minder and I can tell you hand on heart that the parent of EVERY toddler I look after think their child is advanced. And it's true, they are all advanced in something specific, either language, concentration, eating, walking, playing with more grown up toys, or be emotionally advanced beyond their age. Just enjoy and stop bragging about it to other parents, and online. It's ridiculous really. It never even occurred to me to put online 'my child can say two-word sentences' or 'isn't he great, he's just counted to ten.'

catkind Wed 09-Jul-14 20:16:56

Not really fair rocket, OP's talking about a situation where everyone else is talking about their children's achievements. It's often unavoidable talking about your kids at baby groups as you have nothing else in common, or if you have you haven't found it yet. If you march into conversations about something else and insist on telling everyone about little tarquin's latest then yes you're being braggy. If there's a general conversation about first words OP should be just as entitled to share when and what they were as anyone else. If people are making her feel bad for doing that then maybe she needs to find a nicer group/forum. There are plenty out there.

Perhaps it's a bit of a british thing - it's fine to celebrate your kid learning to walk when they're 18 months, but if they do it at 9 months you'd better keep quiet. Why actually?

As for sharing what school kids are up to, maybe your friends don't, but about half the parents I know share stuff on facebook. It's full of posts about school reports at the moment! There's an unwritten rule that reading levels aren't mentioned without very good reason - but one friend with a very clever kid does occasionally share and good on her because she's got every reason to be proud of him.

BlackeyedSusan Sun 13-Jul-14 10:19:04

why is acceptable to talk about a seven year old say and not toddlers on line?

RueDeWakening Tue 15-Jul-14 20:19:43

I'm with nonickname on this - it doesn't really get better, although it does change a bit and you get better at handling it I think. DD is just finishing year 2, at her 2 year check with the health visitor I was told to stop hothousing her, not show her any flashcards, and "let her just be a child and enjoy herself". She's never seen a fecking flashcard, nor been hothoused. And it still riles me that the HV made assumptions about me/her/our family without bothering to check her facts.

She's still very advanced (about 3-4 years ahead across the board) but I just don't talk about it. She would still rather spend her time doing maths workbooks than running outside (she picked herself a Bond maths test book from the library last week, then complained it was too easy hmm). A few people have commented - her best friend's mum, in particular - but it just gets ignored, or diverted, or brushed off.

MiaSparrow Sun 20-Jul-14 16:47:22

OP, I could have written this post. DD was exactly the same at 15mo and yes! I really did (still do) feel like I had to keep apologising/making excuses for her abilities. I saw a little video of her the other day at 15 months and she was saying "Go down. Tea and milk". (Our morning routine - so cute!). Around that age she was naming all the colours of the clothes pegs and singing the ABC.

Thankfully, DD is, and always has been a crap sleeper so at least I had the "if only she was better at sleeping!" repost. But yes, isolating! I do think it's more obvious at that age though. As they get older (DD's 3.4 now) increasingly they just go off and play with each other and you've no idea what they're saying/not saying, so you and the other mums will find you can talk about OTHER non-baby stuff!

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