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Am I having a mid-life crisis? Please help me understand my weird feelings!

(37 Posts)
anorak Mon 18-Jul-05 13:04:36

Feel stuck in a rut, have no inclination to do anything. Husband narrowly escaped train bomb last week, ds starts full-time school in Sept, DD1 going into 6th form, DD2 gone away on school trip. We've nearly finished our house in preparation for moving. I feel as if everything's changing and I can't control it. Don't understand where I fit in any more.

In the last 5 years since we married and moved into this house the following things have happened:

Had a baby.

Found out ex was running internet pornography business and 'allowing' DD1 who was then 11 to find out.

Lengthy court battle over contact which we won but cost all our savings.

Broke my leg badly and have permanent injury very very slowly getting better.

DD1 had long depression including an overdose.

DH made redundant.

Both daughters have been bullied at school.

Good friend sent to prison for crime he did not commit.

Best friend's DH had nervous breakdown and long dispute with his work.

My only two uncles died.

DH's parents made up their minds I and my daughters must be some kind of scum when they heard about ex so my DH has cut them off.

DH had nervous breakdown and spent a year in therapy.

Now my cousin who is very close to me is having marital breakdown and her sister being treated for cancer.


I applied (a bit ambitiously) for a good job last week thinking it might make all the difference and they didn't even want to interview me.

I feel as if I've spent five years supporting everyone emotionally and I'm emptied out. I keep crying and feeling trapped. Feel worn out and regularly do nothing all day.




Help!

mancmum Mon 18-Jul-05 13:08:26

just reading that post back to youself, you must realise just how much stress and worry you are carrying -- I would have collapsed by now with just a couple of them... you need to focus on you and you alone for a good period of time... otherwuse you will have a nervous breakdown and not a mid life crisis -- they are indulgent -- this is not...

not sure how to advise you on where you go though--- talk to doctor?

loujay Mon 18-Jul-05 13:09:22

Hi,
Is there someone that you can go and talk to?? It sounds like you have had more than enough to cope with over the last few years and that you need to focus on your own needs for a bit.
Can you talk to your GP?
I feel like I'm not being much help to you but wanted you to know that there is someone out there who cares.
Lou

mancmum Mon 18-Jul-05 13:10:48

or thinking about it more, how about some spiritual support -- do you meditate, go to church,,, could you talk to a vicar ...

Hate to think of you feeling like this -- and sadly can not think of anything contstructive to say other than I admire you for being able to get thru all this intact...

Listmaker Mon 18-Jul-05 13:11:00

God that lot would swamp anyone Anorak. I don't know what to advise you because I haven't had anything like all the experiences you have. Could you be depressed? I don't think anyone would be surprised after dealing with that lot. My bf got depressed after looking after his sick mother, thinking his exw was dying, trouble with dds at school etc. He is fine now but it all got too much - the giving and caring for people all the time.

Hope someone comes along with better advice than me but maybe see the Dr?

WideWebWitch Mon 18-Jul-05 13:11:35

Oh anorak, that's a heartbreaking list of things to have happened to anyone in a lifetime, let alone a year! I don't have any advice but I think you're amazing to have got through all that, congratulate yourself for it.

anorak Mon 18-Jul-05 13:17:05

Thank you www, but it's five years, not one!

I'm sitting hear reading what you all say, just crying...why can't my family see what you can see just from a few lines?

Spiritual? I don't believe in God. I write poetry. I have a pretty good social life, lots of friends. I find at the moment I only want to see the friends who don't expect anything from me. I have a big circle of friends in the quiz world - Mastermind champions and Egg-heads and Brains of Britain - that sort of thing. I feel I keep wanting to spend time with them because all we do is go to quizzes and they're not much interested in enquiring about the kids and so on. I can just be 'me'. But I went out with them last week and found myself telling one friend (whom I've known longer than dh) that I found him attractive. He was wonderful, poured me into a cab and sent me home. But it scared the s**t out of me cos I just don't do things like that. I think I just feel drawn to him at the moment cos he's a really self-assured and autonomous type of person.

Caribbeanqueen Mon 18-Jul-05 13:25:54

That is a huge amount to deal with and it sounds as if you've finally reached breaking point.

Maybe we can see what your family can't see because you have written it down for us. Could you show them this list, perhaps that would help.

Skribble Mon 18-Jul-05 13:27:17

All I can say is to maybe concentrate on looking after yourself and daughters. If you are completely frazzled you won't be as much help to others. It seems everything and everyone is getting to you. I know its hard but try to take a step back from others problems.

Try to do a little thing each day that you enjoy or gets you nearer to the kind of life you really want. It could be as simple as reading a magazine, buying a new moisturiser or going for a walk. Tackle things one at a time and focus on one job/ problem not everything.

It might help to list things you need to do, things that need to change etc and what steps you need to take to get them done.

Hope you can start to feel better about things soon.

mancmum Mon 18-Jul-05 13:29:22

you obviously need space away from home -- that is why the quiz guy was so appealing -- so free from baggage and issues that you have to sort out... could you get away on your own for a few days to think about what you want from life.... how about talking to a counsellor or life coach type person?

anorak Mon 18-Jul-05 13:29:31

Thank you. I don't think I am depressed. I have a history of depression and it doesn't feel like depression to me. But I do feel very confused.

anorak Mon 18-Jul-05 13:41:09

I'd love some time alone but would feel guilty leaving DH to cope with three kids when he's been at work all week. I've already had a weekend away on my own this year.

Life coach sounds fab - how do you find one?

mancmum Mon 18-Jul-05 13:43:33

there were some threads on life coaching a while ago -- think you need to be careful who you go see and try and get a recommendation as anyone can register to be one without actually having any experience.... I have never used one but the principle sounds good... might be worth having a root around for the threads and a look via google to see if anyone is registered as working in your area...

mancmum Mon 18-Jul-05 13:44:33

but given how you feel, do you not think you NEED this time away as if you carry on, you will make yourself ill and then DH will have to do more than just take on kids for 1 important weekend in your life?

ninah Mon 18-Jul-05 13:46:24

anorak maybe this is way off beam but some of the things you have posted on here about your experiences have really made me think. I know you write, could you write a kind of creative autobiography?

assumedname Mon 18-Jul-05 13:51:32

What about going to a retreat, Anorak?

Churches run them but you don't have to be religious - I believe I am right in this.

If you don't feel you are depressed, then what about your physical health? Maybe think about a general health check at the GP's?

anorak Mon 18-Jul-05 14:06:30

ninah do you mean that writing it down might be cathartic? I've always shied away from autobiographical writing as I don't want to hurt my friends and relatives by writing truthfully about them

I am trying to write a novel but feel very dry at the moment. I do use poetry as catharsis sometimes.

assumedname, my dh has said I can take as much time as I need, but it's precious and I want to work out how best to spend it before I make plans like that.

anorak Mon 18-Jul-05 14:06:59

Sorry, also answering mancmum there.

mancmum Mon 18-Jul-05 14:55:48

some life coaches do telephone counselling -- might be worth having a couple of sessions to see what sort of things they suggest and then having the time away to reflect and review... think a retreat would be good -- yoga and meditation give you a lot of head space to think things through...

ninah Mon 18-Jul-05 15:08:58

Not simply cathartic, though possibly that too.
I think it would be a worthwhile project, I think it's a story people would like to read and I think you can write well enough to get it published. If you want a role and purpose, why not this? fits with your talents, would be a waste not to tell it
You can write from the heart but fictionalise it enough to be polite
The main point is not who did what to whoms, but how you managed to find strength in the darkness

anorak Mon 18-Jul-05 18:06:30

ninah, it's kind of you to say so. But I've always thought maybe I'd write something like that when I'm older. Apart from the upsetting people thing at the moment I'm exhausted just thinking about emotional issues.

I'm not keen on the idea of a retreat - just the religious setting would do my head in! I dislike being passive at the best of times.

Like the life coach idea, if someone could recommend one, but don't think it's going to be an instant answer to all this.

Have spent the day cleaning my house. It was getting very grubby and cobwebby and so I forced myself to do it. I thought it might make me feel better but it hasn't

anorak Mon 18-Jul-05 18:59:52

Is anybody there to talk to me, please?

sunchowder Mon 18-Jul-05 19:07:05

I am here Anorak! I have been reading this and unfortunately have been on a damn conference call for work for the past hour.

sunchowder Mon 18-Jul-05 19:07:57

I really feel for you and can identify with you. I am not the tower of strength right now myself. I don't take death very well. A few things....

jampots Mon 18-Jul-05 19:08:50

anorak - have you tried going to a hypnotist or similar?

I can see you've been through loads of shit in the last 5 years - has anything good happened at all that you could cling to?

FWIW I felt terrible when ds started school- very out of control and quite weepy so do understand that its a huge thing when your last one goes there

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