I'm not sure what topic this shoulde be in - Alcohol

[CopingWithAlcohol]

Hiya,
Bit of background about DP.
He has been drinking for years but over the last couple of years it has gotten worse.

I worry so much about his drinking, his health, his future. We have two beautiful children and I want them to grow up with their daddy, who has bundles of energy, who wants to go out all the time and have fun.

My DP and I don?t live together at the moment now, although we are still ?together?. He has depression and alcohol is his way of coping with that, but I know that also the alcohol is the cause of it too.

He doesn?t come up to see us that often (Maybe once or twice one week then nothing the next) and it is because he has no energy, I think, to get out of the house.
It used to be vodka that he drank?.then he moved onto cider, which, in his eyes, wasn?t as bad as it was only an unbranded cider. He is a functioning Alcoholic. He gets up, and goes to work every day.

He has our daughter stay with him one night a week, and every time he has her I am worried sick that that will be the night something horrible happens. What if he has had so much to drink and passes out, banging his head? What if our daughter needs taking to the Doctors/A&E and he is too drunk to drive her, or worse, he decides he is sober enough to drive?

I don?t know why I am posting on here to be honest. Maybe just to get things of my chest, and see it all written down.

He decided to stop drinking yesterday. He stocked up on energy supplies and food. I want to believe that he will stop, but, we have gone through all this before, time and time again, and I have supported him every single time. Maybe this time is different. Maybe not having the kids and myself with him has made him see sense. Who knows.

And how do I know I am being supportive enough? Do I agree with everything he says? I do not have a clue?..I do not want to lose him, I do not want to have to explain to our children why their daddy is dead, and why he chose alcohol over us.

I really hope this is it, this is the time where he really has decided to get his life sorted.

Sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes, tears are in the way

[Flyonthewindscreen]

Such an awful situation for you and your DC. I haven't been in your situation but didn't want to leave you unanswered. Are you/your DP getting support from anyone else, AA? his GP, friends, family? Its a terrible burden for you to carry on your own. Also I don't think you should let your DD stay alone with your DP, its just not worth the risk. Refusing unsupervised access to your DD might also help your DP realise how serious the situation is.

I'm sure someone else will be along in a minute who has been in your shoes and can be of more help. I really hope things improve for you.

[darkandstormy]

Please tell your husband about bright eyes counselling it is an online forum and counselling service. There are some lovely friendly supportive people over there. Hope this helps.

[ImSoNotTelling]

Hello there

What sort of things are you agreeing with in order to support him?
Is he trying to kick it himself or has he seen anyone/ytalked to anyone etc?
What prompted this stopping attempt, do you know?

[CopingWithAlcohol]

He is going it 'cold turkey' and tbh I have no idea what has prompted the quitting this time. This happens every 3 months or so and he will go a couple of days without a drink then go back to his usual self.

Dark, I posted on there this evening, thank you. It looks like a very supportive site.

ImSoNot, at the moment I am not agreeing to anything.It was a 'is that what I do? question really.

[ImSoNotTelling]

Do you know how much he was drinking? When I stopped people pointed out that if you are drinking a lot, it can be dangerous to go cold turkey. It is a lot, a lot for that to be a problem though.

Support-wise I think depends on your relationship with him and his personality. For me it was good just to get on with things and not really talk about it. As talking about it makes you think about it. For others talking is a huge help. The main thing is that it's something he has to do for himself, it's not something you can do for him IYSWIM.

He is obviously unhappy with his drinking if he keeps trying to stop. Would he ring AA? Again, some people like them, some don't, but it wouldn't hurt for him to talk to them.

Does he accept that he is an alcoholic do you think?

[CopingWithAlcohol]

Yes he has accepted he is an Alcoholic. He is a very quiet, private person so speaking to other people he won't do.

Drinking wise, when I lived with him, it was around 3ltrs of cider a day.

He asks for my support, but I don't know how to give it.

[ImSoNotTelling]

Similar amount to me then.

How I gave up.

Realised that it was no good, that I was drinking for no real reason, that every morning I woke promising myself I wouldn't drink in the evening, that every evening I would drink.
Realised that it would cause problems when DCs were older and wanted to stay up later.
Ditto didn't want DCs seeing me drunk.
Ditto didn't want DCs having mum who was dependent on alcohol.
Also for me - my health - it is so bad for you.
The misery of being trapped in this "not today" - "oh go on then" situation - it saps your self esteem as you feel you have no self control.

Having tried to stop lots of times, and failing (before DC), this time, I just stopped.

DH supported me by listening to me when I did want to talk, and not mentioning it and carrying on as normal when I didn't. He didn't pressure me or put any guilt on. (He doesn;t really drink anyway so that helped - no temptation).

What has your DP said about this attempt - did you talk it through or did he just annouce it and that was that?

[ImSoNotTelling]

Is your DP being treated for his depression?

[CopingWithAlcohol]

He just announced it the other day, he said 'after Sunday I am stopping drinking' by text.

I just said, 'ok love, Im here if you need to talk' and left it at that.
He was treated for depression a few years ago but again, I think he is too proud to go to the GP's.

[ImSoNotTelling]

Alcohol is so pervasive though, and used by so many for lots of different reasons.

I think I was simply bored, and addicted.

Blotting out is another reason - the whole self medicating thing. If he is depresed then it is going to be hard to kick.

Why are you living separately? You are obviously near to each other and you are together. You don't have to say obviously, it seems odd though. Is it because of his drinking?

[Knickers0nMaHead]

Very complicated Situation tbh. We split and i moved with the dc. His drinking was a big factor in my decision to leave.

We have just, in the last couple of weeks, started seeing each other again.

[Knickers0nMaHead]

Bollocks

[ImSoNotTelling]

Oh hello there.

If you want to get the thread deleted and start a new one I'll come and find you

I stuck to my namechange while I dealt with my alcohol issues to avoid doing that - and it stuck

[Knickers0nMaHead]

Ah tis ok. There's someone on here who knows me in RL but we don't talk anymore but hopefully things have mellowed abit iyswim.

I'm crap at sticking to a namechange with things like this

[ImSoNotTelling]

Presumably he knows that a big part of your decision was because of his drinking. It has already cost him a lot.

Is there any chance you could persuade him to see his GP about his depression? If he had treatment before...

If he is serious about combating this problem he needs to take the bull by the horns and seek help. GP, or anonymous helpline, or something.

How old are your DC?

[Knickers0nMaHead]

Tried persuading him beofre. I even rang and made him an appt but he never went. I think it is that other step that is scaring him. He did ring me Saturday night saying he was scared of stopping as he knows what is coming.

Dc are 2.5 and 15months.

[ImSoNotTelling]

The thing is it needs to come from him. It sounds like he knows that he needs to get it sorted. He knows how much he has lost.

Would he talk to anonymous helpline? He could even email alcoholics anonymous if that is easier for him.

When he says he is scared of what is coming do you think he means physical withdrawal or psychological, or his depression getting worse?

Good tactics for me were. 1 day at a time. Don't have a drink today. Saying never again is too scary. Don't think about tomorrow night, or next weekend, or a work do, or christmas or anything, it's way too scary. One day at a time. Just don't have a drink now. And obviously get rid of all alcohol from the house. Keep busy. Find something else to do at trigger times. Even if it's something silly. I bought myself delicious food to eat in the evenings as a "treat" instead of my usual "treat" which was alcohol.

Is any of this helping?

[ImSoNotTelling]

Would he consider posting on here or other supportive website? That is anonymous and he would get a lot of support I'm sure. And of course is something to do when he is at home in evening by himself, instead of drinking.

[ImSoNotTelling]

I'm really sorry knickers I've got to get to bed i'm knackered. Will be on again tomorrow.

I hope your DPs abstainance is going well. And that some other clever people come and post on this thread. I feel that I am not doing as well as I should, sorry.

[Knickers0nMaHead]

It is helping very much thank you.

He is not a forums type of bloke only chatsites but I will be showing him this threasd.

[ImSoNotTelling]

Morning knickers!

How's it going? Have you spoken to DP is he OK?

[Knickers0nMaHead]

I've not spoken to him yet, no. I usually wait until he texts first so it doesn't seem like I'm ''checking up'' on him.

[MIFLAW]

AA

[ImSoNotTelling]

I hope he is doing well.

I agree with miflaw that it would be good if he could talk to/email/go on a support forum. If only to make it clear to himself that this time he's serious IYSWIM.

[MIFLAW]

Sorry for such a blunt message - it was not meant to be offhand or unsympathetic. I just thought that for once I would cut to the chase.

Walk through the logic with me.

"He is a very quiet, private person so speaking to other people he won't do." So he doesn't want help.

"This happens every 3 months or so and he will go a couple of days without a drink then go back to his usual self." In other words, he has a track record of failing to address this on his own.

So where does that leave him? Either he accepts help from others or he carries on getting worse.

The advantage of AA (though it is initially uncomfortable for some) is that there is no bullshit because every single person in the room has been in the same boat. No one tells you what to do - they tell you what THEY did.

Most important, it works.

But, basically, it is clear that he needs help of some sort, AA or not, because alone he is failing.

Aside - 3 litres of cider is a very vauge beast. There is 3 litres of, say, Strongbow, which is a lot of ale but which might constitute a big night out for a "normal" man; there is 3 litres of Scrumpy which will lay you flat out; and there is 3 litres of, say, Ace, or Diamond White, or White Lightning, or K, which has never even met an apple and which will destroy you physically and mentally.

I personally had a phase of drinking cider in the latter category, including K. People in their 30s might remember a campaign to make K cider "classy" about 15 years ago - I remember using the bottles for candlesticks in my room at uni. So, when I started my serious drinknig, I figured I couldn't be a "real" alcoholic because K was respectable. And therefore it followed that the ciders next to it - Diamond, lightning, etc - were also respectable. At least I wasn't like the tramps who drank the strong lager of comparable strength and price on the adjacent shelf in the same fridge at the off licence ...