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Doom and gloom at 40 - coping with people getting sick and dying

(25 Posts)
PortoTreasonandPlot Thu 05-Nov-09 19:54:12

I've been fortunate I suppose. I lost my mother to cancer at a young age, but other than that everyone I am close to seems to be at least ticking over til recently.

All of a sudden, my grandparents have got OLD and have health problems. My Aunt has been diagnosed with a life limiting cancer.My Dad has OCPD and diabetes and is not managing his condition. A school friend has a brain tumour.

Recently I have started to feel really anxious about my health and worrying that it is only a matter of time til dread diseases start to carry off me and members of my family.

Yesterday my head of dept dropped dead whilst washing his car - aged 52! Same age as DH. sad He has teenage children too! I feel terribly for his family.

Don't know if it is normal to feel like this- stage of life - menopausal stuff? Not even sure what I AM asking. Do others feel like this?

PortoTreasonandPlot Thu 05-Nov-09 19:55:51

Feel mean too - as others have lost people and are ill themselves.

MaureenMLove Thu 05-Nov-09 20:05:57

I thought the very same thing yesterday. I'm fortunate too, that I haven't lost anyone close to me for a very long time. Dear dad died when I was only 11. I'm 41 now and a couple of friends have lost their mums in the last year, best friend has lost a couple of close relatives in too and yesterday another friends' mum was given bad news.

Sad as it is, that's life.

When we're in our late teens and early twenties it's all about weddings and babies, then we move on to deaths in our 40's and 50's sadly.

We just have to remind ourselves that we are very lucky and look after thoses that are special to us every day.

PortoTreasonandPlot Thu 05-Nov-09 20:25:09

Thanks Mo! You're right we are lucky. I've hugged my 5 yo tonight and hoped she doesn't have to grow up without me.

PortoTreasonandPlot Thu 05-Nov-09 22:02:26

Anyo9ne else?

teatank Thu 05-Nov-09 22:21:58

i often get anxious about members of my family getting ill. my father has c.o.p.d. as well and its horrible watching them go in and out of hospital. i have lost a few members of my family in the last 3 years but i guess its like mo says its just life.

CJCregg Thu 05-Nov-09 22:26:08

Totally with you, I am really depressed by the thought of people close to me starting to die. Or me getting something hideous a la Jade Goody and leaving my DCs mummyless. Am 43. Is this female mid-life crisis? Is that why men have affairs? What should we do instead?!

shineoncrazyfirecracker Thu 05-Nov-09 22:33:09

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blueywhite Thu 05-Nov-09 23:22:01

My Dad died a couple of months ago and although it wasn't unexpected it was still a real shock to the system.

I think - on a positive note - that facing up to the inevitability of death can be a useful wake-up call to think about how we are living our lives.

Are we making the most of what we have; are we pursuing our dreams or just treading water; have we considered the spiritual dimension and thought about life after death?

My Dad's death made me want to get my priorities straight and make the most of each day.

Hope you find some peace soon.

alypaly Fri 06-Nov-09 09:32:14

portot..........i think it is a horrible time of life....i am 53 and lost my mum 22 months ago and i still find it difficult as she was also my best friend.

It does bring your own mortality to the forefront and it makes you realise that unfortunately we are next in line. I think you get to an age where you realise that this is not for ever and that we are not immortal. i find it quite scary too if its any consolation.Brought home earlier this year with a gall bladder op and then a scare with precancerous cervical cells. The wheels just seem to be falling off the bus despite being a fitness fanatic. Saying that i am still as fit as a flea...but ocassionally when i am playing a really tough game of badminton with girls half my age...i wonder if i might be doing a tad too much competing at such a high level.

the thought of not seeing my children again is my worst that irrational?

sfxmum Fri 06-Nov-09 09:37:48

I lost my mother when I turned 15, it was cancer detected late so very quick from diagnosis to death.
To be honest I always felt I bit like you do now, that life is fragile and all to brief, I had a child in my late 30's just like my mum and I obsess worry as to whether I will be there to see her grow up
but best enjoy everyday and get on with life is too short

PortoTreasonandPlot Fri 06-Nov-09 21:51:26

Thanks for your insights! Dad has been taken to hospital tonight. Did a nother thread. Tis a worry! Life IS too short and def agree with alypaly that the thought of leaving your children is the worst thing!

I need to look after myself better. And my dearest ones. And count my blessings I think.

babbi Sun 08-Nov-09 03:46:22

Just wanted to say thanks for this thread , I feel like this all the time lately but don't feel I can say it in RL . I am glad I am not alone, the thought of DD growing up without me keeps me awake at night (time now 3.46 am) , I feel a bit more normal now knowing that others feel like this and that maybe I am not too mad after all .
Lets all just enjoy life as you say ...

sarah293 Sun 08-Nov-09 07:56:20

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ssd Sun 08-Nov-09 08:37:00

op I too feel like this, I'm in my mad forties

a few close friends have been diagnosed with cancer or died suddenly leaving young family

its really scary

don't know if it is normal, just a fact of life and getting older I think

ssd Sun 08-Nov-09 08:44:59


ha ha MID forties!!!

although maybe a bit madder would help grin

Elibean Sun 08-Nov-09 14:59:58

Porto, and everyone else, of course you are normal!

Tbh, I think that amount of loss is bound to cause anxiety in anyone. Including illness of loved ones as loss, because that changes so much (them, relationships with them, our perceptions of life and mortality, etc). Sudden death is especially anxious-making. You must be feeling a bit surrounded by loss atm sad

I've had some of this in my 40s, but some younger, and dh had it in his 30s because his brother died, then both his parents. One friend of mine has had it more in her 50s, as more people (including her mother) she knew passed away. I think its the loss that causes the anxiety and depression stuff, tbh, more than age.

Having said that, menopause is another big lossy ballgame (she says, approaching 50 shock) and at least for me, carries more stuff about mortality and change.

I sometimes think the best lifeskill we can have, as we get older, is knowing how to grieve well grin

Seriously though, support with bereavement and grief is out there, and sometimes going right into it for a bit helps me get out again whole and a lot quicker. IYSWIM.

alypaly Sun 08-Nov-09 16:24:08

riven ,sorry to hear about she really poorly. That must be a terrible worry for you.

sarah293 Sun 08-Nov-09 16:40:56

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alypaly Sun 08-Nov-09 17:07:39

ooooh thats so sad. can they not give her stronger meds to stop fitting

alypaly Sun 08-Nov-09 17:09:35

soory to hear about your mum ,thats what happened to mine... and i lost my dad 28 years in similar boat.

unfortunately lost my mum 22 months agosad

sarah293 Sun 08-Nov-09 17:12:22

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alypaly Sun 08-Nov-09 17:24:39

just read it riven,it sounds awful for you both. but it dosnt say too many negative things about life expectancy.

sarah293 Sun 08-Nov-09 17:35:23

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alypaly Mon 09-Nov-09 08:26:35

oh im so sorry....its not fair,children being so poorlysad.......and for you too

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