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terminal cancer diagnosed 2 weeks after giving birth

(50 Posts)
keresley Tue 20-Oct-09 18:20:03

Message withdrawn

BonsoirAnna Tue 20-Oct-09 18:22:09

How awful. I'm so sorry. Do you have a family who can help you through, so that you can give love and support to your friend and her family?

Mamazonabroomstick Tue 20-Oct-09 18:25:09

oh that is just the most tragic of news. You have my most heartfelt sympathies.

thisisyesterday Tue 20-Oct-09 18:27:52

oh my god, that is so heartbreaking. i feel like crying just reading your post and i don't even know her.

i am so sorry

TheHerbs Tue 20-Oct-09 18:30:46

I am really sorry.

Fwiw I have a very close friend with cancer and it is affecting me more than I realised.

You do need somewhere to write down how you are feeling, so vent on here if it helps. It will be a huge shock at first, that is Ok, give yourself time and let yourself cry xx

keresley Tue 20-Oct-09 18:31:12

Yes, it couldn't be any worse. We are trying to be as supportive as possible and are ringing/texting all the time. It is just one of those things that don't happen to you or people you know- it is something you see on TV. It feels like my world is standing still and it is so hard when everyone is carrying on with their normal business and you just want to shout "how can you act so normally when my my dear friend is dying".

TheHerbs Tue 20-Oct-09 18:33:46

I know. Do try and gauge how much contact they want though, my friend didn't want phone calls at first, she needed a bit of space to get her head around it.

Just say you are there if/when she needs you, let her be angry and upset and scared with you - she will be afraid to talk about these things with her family as afraid of upsetting them iyswim. You could be a very valuable person in that way, just by feeling the pain with her and allowing her to talk about it.

chimchar Tue 20-Oct-09 18:42:33

thats devastating news..i'm so sorry. sad

keresley Tue 20-Oct-09 18:44:03

Yes The Herbs, my dh and I are accutely aware of being too full on. I just don't want them to think that we are only giving them fleeting thoughts. I have text my friend every day since she got diagnosed with the tumour/gave birth. The only time I have spoken to her was when she text when she found out she had terminal cancer. I spoke to her for about 30 minutes and it was a very frank and up front conversation. We were going to visit on Monday but she wasn't up to it. My dh has spoken to her husband about 6/7 times as he obviously needed a lot of supoport when she was in hospital and he was trying to look after his newborn and other 2 sons. It is difficult though, trying to find that balance. My husband and I just want to be totlaslly there for them.

TheHerbs Tue 20-Oct-09 18:48:47

Sounds like you are doing everything right, sorry if I sounded patronising etc. I think it is v hard to find the right balance especially as you will have your own feelings to deal with, too - it is not easy at all, but there will be some friends she had previously who don't get in touch at all as it is too much for them to handle, I am sure she is glad you are there.

It is a difficult path to tread, but you sound very close and that is always a good basis for carrying on as you were...she will understand if you say slightly the wrong thing, etc, like she always has, she's still your friend smile

So sorry you are going through this, it is truly a tragedy.

keresley Tue 20-Oct-09 18:57:40

Message withdrawn

TheHerbs Tue 20-Oct-09 19:02:42

Golly, that's terrible. Yes it is terrible to be in the midst of something as awful as this - I always thought, 'Oh yeah, I'd cope, as long as it isn't me!' how wrong I was. It is utterly demoralising and draining, yet walking away is so not an option...you know exactly what I mean, I can tell.

It's so sad. I don't think you need to try and be positive. My friend told me her family are very verypositive all the time and sometimes she just can't handle it and wants to rant, talk about how unfair it is and how terrified she is, but doesn't want to do that in case it upsets them.

This is a learning curve, the most important thing is listen - you don't really have to say much I think. It will get gradually easier as you all accustom to the situation a bit. Practical stuff is going to be very welcome I imagine with the children and so on - I expect you have already thought of that, offering to have them for a specific time, giving their parents time to sort stuff out etc.

Lilyloooohhhh Tue 20-Oct-09 19:07:52

Oh i am so very sorry what awful news.
My mum died from the same thing (glioblastoma multiforme) and it happened very quickly, from experience spend as much time as you can with her now.
If you have any questions i can try to answer them sad

boodeniites Tue 20-Oct-09 19:11:29

i have a terrible fear of cancer as lots of my relatives have had it my db died 3 years ago from a brain tumour (kidey cancer was primary cause) the ony thing i can say that may help you is at the end my brother died very peacfully and without pain i am truly sorry for your friend and for all the terrible things you are all going through but please remember that at the end of the day it is your friend who has this awful awful disease and not you and you have to carry on as best you can supporting and helping her and her family sorry i hope that does not sound callous it is just so sad

SqueezyCheesyPumpkin Tue 20-Oct-09 19:11:50

sad

This puts things into perspective.

sad

Lilyloooohhhh Tue 20-Oct-09 19:12:18

Sorry only replied to OP , see you have said she didn't feel up to visitors.
Life is very unfair. I agree though about being the one to talk to about the frightening things , dying etc we just couldn't face that conversation with my mum (she was 45 when she died) so we were only kids.
I cannot believe her mum died of it too sad as it isn't genetic... Life is very cruel.

wishingchair Tue 20-Oct-09 19:34:14

Oh gosh, my heart goes out to you all it really does. 2 years ago my dh was diagnosed with a brain tumour, they thought it was high grade, it was treated and amazingly went away. Just found out it has likely recurred so we're in limbo right now whilst they figure out what to do. It is unfair.

In my experience, people say "if there's anything I can do, just let me know" or "let me know if you want me to do the school run". Whilst that's great, I want to keep things normal for the kids so want to be the one to do the school run, and I can never think of what other people can help with. I kind of wish someone would come along and say "you must have some ironing building up, how about once a week I pick it up and bring it back for you". Or "I've made extra chilli/casserole/whatever, here it is ... stick it in the freezer or eat it now". You know, actual practical things that I don't have to think about. Just quiet ways that will really help out. Might be worth talking with your dh about and maybe he can talk to his friend.

Thinking of you all x

OmicronPersei8yourbrain Tue 20-Oct-09 20:52:52

How awful for all of you sad. I have a friend with terminal cancer and it is so difficult, such an terrible disease and always so unfair.

MrsJiggle86 Tue 20-Oct-09 20:56:37

Your poor friend sad and her poor children and dh, how awful sad

copycat Tue 20-Oct-09 22:14:32

Life is so fragile sad and every day is precious. I am so sorry to read about your friend keresley. Your love, friendship, support (and tears) will be a great comfort to your friend, her children and DH.

Thinking of you all (and you and your DH too wishingchair).

MakemineaGandT Tue 20-Oct-09 22:17:56

How horrendously sad. Thinking of all of you

xx

keresley Wed 21-Oct-09 13:07:00

Really sorry Wishing Chair............. sorry to all those of you who have lost dear friends/family too x

jybay Thu 22-Oct-09 00:58:23

So sorry to hear this. To help support the kids, I strongly recommend Winston's Wish

http://www.winstonswish.org.uk/mainsection.asp?section=000100010004&pagetitle=About+Us.

T hey are fantastic and will work to support the family from now on.

fortyplus Thu 22-Oct-09 01:30:24

keresley I think you're doing the right thing. Slightly different scenario but dh and i were very friendly with ds1's best friend's parents. The dad got cancer and died - 3 months from diagnosis. I kept texting all the time - when we knew he had appointments and so on. My friend (his wife) has said many times since that it kept them going and helped them both through. smile

McDie79 Thu 22-Oct-09 01:57:30

Just devastating,so sad reading this.
My sympathy to you, your husband and your friends.xxx

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