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Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

General health

Please can i ask you all about abortion :( really need some help.

36 replies

QueenofVenus · 08/09/2009 20:34

Im 17 weeks, i have 3 other children, i have never had an abortion, but i met a guy last year, thought he was the one, hes not the father to my others, but he became very very abusive, and it escalated badly a couple of weeks ago, he physically attacked me in the car with my kids in the back, was very very scary. I ended it, kicked him out, he has now said he is going to make my life hell and he will have this baby and do what he wants when he wants im so scared, i want him out of my life forever. I so very very badly dont want an abortion, but i dont feel i have any choice. How long do i have to decide? How do i gp about arranging it? I just dont know anything at all.

OP posts:

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Ewe · 08/09/2009 20:38

The abortion limit under law is 24 weeks however I think the sooner the better is advised with slightly later term abortion. I suggest you make an appointment with your GP and talk through your concerns and your options.

What a horrible situation to be in and a hard decision to make. Hope you come to a point where you are ok with whatever option you choose.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 08/09/2009 20:49

SH1T. Don't envy your at all. Whatever you decide to do for the best outcome, do it soon or don't do it at all. I've nursed women who have been much further along than you are currently, but, if you leave it for much longer it becomes a labour which is not only distressing but painful too.
Good luck with whatever you decide on.

LauraIngallsWilder · 08/09/2009 20:55

I would go to get help and support tommorrow - go and tell a sympathetic gp

Im not pro abortion but If I was you right now I would definately seriously consider it

I hope you get some real life support to help you make a decision

Well done in all your attempts so far to kick him out of your life

blahdiblahblah · 08/09/2009 20:58

agree with others - the sooner you decide the better. It sounds like you have decided what you should do. Good luck, this is such a awful situation to be in, take care

EldonAve · 08/09/2009 21:03

You say you don't want an abortion - if you don't want one don't have one

I would recommend seeing your GP, calling Women's aid and reporting him to the police

stressed2007 · 08/09/2009 21:04

Have you any friend to help you with this (someone that can go with you to gp)or relative that can support you?

I will be thinking of you at this difficult time.

QueenofVenus · 08/09/2009 21:06

Only felt the first kicks 2 days ago

OP posts:

kormachameleon · 08/09/2009 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnlyWantsOneDoesntLikeDM · 08/09/2009 21:06

it is YOUR body - you are the one growing that baby inside you... maybe I shouldn't post, as I am anti abortion - and pretty anti men right now too sorry.

Don't be bullied, there are other options. There are other options, Don't feel trapped, be strong. You've made the first vital and important step by kicking him out, be brave, you can do this - for your DC and your baby x

GColdtimer · 08/09/2009 21:09

QueenofVenus, I don't think sounds like you have made a choice, i think you feel forced into a choice which is very different. You said "I so very very badly dont want an abortion, but i don't feel i have any choice".

If it is really what you want, then as others have said the sooner the better. However, have you considered talking to someone like Woman's Aid as well as your GP in order to understand what your rights are before you make this decision.

There is tons of support on her for woman who have been abused - probably better to post in the relationship topic though.

good luck with whatever you do, it sounds an absolute terrifying situation.

(not anti-abortion in any way by the way)

GColdtimer · 08/09/2009 21:11

Andy you should report the attack to the police too.

Northernlurker · 08/09/2009 21:18

This man is threatening and terrorising you. He has no right to do that, the law can stop him. Contact Womens Aid if you haven't already and get their support.

Regarding the pregnancy - even if you end it you will still have to deal with this man and what he's trying to do to you.An abortion won't help you out of this situation altogether but of course it will mean you aren't raising a child who got some of his genetic material from this man. That's just biology though - if this man is violent I think you will be able to keep him away and you would be raising your child. It's your body though and your responsibility to manage as you choose. Think about it and do what is best for YOU, what you can live with in the greatest degree of happiness. You have to know though there is no rewind button - you can shape the future but you can't change the past.

If you want to investigate a termination you need to see your GP tomorrow because you are quite far on and it's not going to be straightforward. Just be sure it's what you want to do, not something you feel forced in to, or something that you feel will be right when you look back in 20 years. Only do it if it's what you want. Ime if you're not sure about it (a termination), that's a clear don't do it.

kinderfool · 08/09/2009 21:24

So sorry you're going through this but definitely agree that it's your body, you have to live with the decision so don't decide out of fear. Other posters have said what I'd like to but one more thing, sorry if you already knew this or it's unhelpful. Provided you're not married to this man when the baby is born (am making a big assumption that you're not) and don't jointly register the birth with him or make any agreement with him then he has NO parental rights by law so has no automatic legal right to access, residency etc, if you're worried about the legal side at all. If he threatens you or tries to control/hurt you or the baby it's exactly the same as him doing it to a stranger and you can and should report him to the police and get a restraining order. As I say, apologies if that's no help, hope you get as much help as possible with this.

QueenofVenus · 08/09/2009 21:25

I dont want to do it, i love my kids, this is already my child, my baby. But he managed to get custody of his only other child to his ex wife. He abused her for 17 years, he even raped her altho she couldnt prove that. She now, kept her ds away from him after what he did to me, and she taking him back to court re his access. He just laughed and said noone can stop him, he will do whatever he wants. Im terrified he's going to use this child to terrorise us!!!

OP posts:

GColdtimer · 08/09/2009 21:35

It sounds a terrifying situation. I really think you need to speak to Woman's Aid to get some more support and advice. Have you reported the attack to the police? How old are your children? They obviously witnessed the attack.

pasturesnew · 08/09/2009 21:51

I am so sorry to hear of the position this nasty nasty man has put you in.

Don't believe a word he says.

Speak to Women's Aid in the first instance, also worth checking out what other women's support there is in your area - my local authority website has a list of domestic violence contacts, yours might have something similar.

I don't see how he could get custody of your child, you are not married and you would not register the birth with him, he would have to get a court order for parental responsibility which is not the same thing as custody by miles and I can't see why the court would even give PR to him anyway.

kormachameleon · 08/09/2009 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Northernlurker · 08/09/2009 22:56

This is your child and you will love and protect them. The nightmare you have now will not last forever and you do have the right to be safe. It really sounds as though you don't want an abortion so just put all your energy in to keeping this man away from you all and in building your new life. You can do this.

mathanxiety · 09/09/2009 05:05

Abortion or no abortion, he may still try to remain abusive towards you either way. I would really consider Women's Aid and the police. He just laughed and said no-one can stop him? I think he is wrong.

GColdtimer · 09/09/2009 07:14

QueenofVenus, how are you this morning? I really hope you decide to follow the overwhelming advice on this thread which is to report the attack to the police and speak to Woman's Aid. Do not let this bully's behaviour force you into something you really do not want to do.

ScaredOfCows · 09/09/2009 07:51

So sorry for your situation. Would adoption be another option for you?
Good luck.

bubblagirl · 09/09/2009 08:11

have you contacted the police and reported the abuse maybe work on getting an injunction he will be allowed contact with child only under supervised visits and will be in trouble if tries to contact you inside that injunction

get this done and then think about what you want to do with child report him to the police and make him pay for what he has done to you

bubblagirl · 09/09/2009 08:14

its only a shallow insecure man that wants to bully women so stand up to him and go to the police he thinks he can have hold over you as he did his ex but you can prove your stronger than that good luck

i would also if your in council housing you can get your injunction and they can also move you i know you may not want to but could help police reports need to be made first though and i would do it once there made his chances of getting child now days are zilch only in supervised conditions my friend is in same situation

kinderfool · 09/09/2009 13:48

Have never been through it myself and normally wouldn't condone blocking access but honest question - if he's not on the birth certificate and not given PR any other way does he even have any rights to access/visits, supervised or otherwise?

pasturesnew · 09/09/2009 14:17

No, I don't think he does. Thankfully.

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