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perculiar erectile behaviour in DP, advice please!

(14 Posts)
notsohotchic Thu 02-Jul-09 14:06:43

I am seeing someone I really like, we've been together 10 months now. Would just like to know how normal the following are, as no previous experience of it:
Man maintains erection throughout sex, but does not ejaculate.He claims that this is normal for him, although sometimes he does ejaculate, it's been rare in the past. He says sex still feels good for him and he enjoys just bringing woman to climax.As a woman I know that not climaxing would be difficult to put up with for me. Advice anyone? Does this suggest a psychological problem? He had an abused childhood (extremely violent father)and I can't help thinking this might be about trust? Although it may just be a physical quirk?

morningpaper Thu 02-Jul-09 14:08:39

Ooh I love a penile problem

Does he orgasm and not ejaculate, or does he not orgasm OR ejaculate?

Does he have problems ejaculating while masturbating?

Do you think he might be using viagra and not telling you?

Mamazon Thu 02-Jul-09 14:11:56

If he has ejaculated in the past then it is clearly possible and would rule out a physical cause i'd imagine.

i think i would probably reach a similar conclusion about it being pyschological and linked to prior abuse, but maybe not trust issues. He may not even know himself, conciously, what the issue is.

has he had counselling for the abuse? wuld he be responsive to the idea?

notsohotchic Thu 02-Jul-09 14:15:50

No orgasm and no ejaculate. Although when he does it's both, usually during -ehem- oral. I suspect he does both during masturbation, as I grin caught sight of some of his used undies one day... VIAGRA- now tell me the signs! I'm scared!

Claire2009 Thu 02-Jul-09 14:16:57

Sorry I've no idea, but it does sound more psychological, like he needs to 'let go'.

Bf is a bit odd, his erections are up/down during sex ? No idea why, I asked him was that his way of controlling when to 'let go' but I can't remember what he said blush

Claire2009 Thu 02-Jul-09 14:17:53

How old is he notsohotchic?

Has he perhaps got used to masturbation and relys on that rather than sex?

notsohotchic Thu 02-Jul-09 14:22:11

Mamazon, maybe control issues then? He's had counselling and talks openly about the past to me. But when it comes to sex, he's not into talking too much about it.
He's really wanted to come at times and been unable to ! sad

notsohotchic Thu 02-Jul-09 14:24:48

Ah, he's 39 and has spent 2 years no sex before so yes, he may be a bit of a master bater (hmm, pffft! sorry.)

Mamazon Thu 02-Jul-09 14:27:56

you really don't need to answer these questions here but maybe think yourself about them but what did the abuse entail? was he ever chastised about being dirty/rude, was sex and sexual activity something of a taboo or indeed the opposite?

was he demasculinised by name calling/abuse?

was there anything sexual? it may not have been overtly sexual abuse as in tuching but maybe he was encouraged to watch or know about sex in a way that was inapropriate?

notsohotchic Thu 02-Jul-09 15:11:47

Those are all good points, thanks. There was a lot of name calling aswell as violence.

Slowman Thu 02-Jul-09 15:58:31

notsohotchic - I am a very regular male MN poster. This describes me.

"Man maintains erection throughout sex, but does not ejaculate. He claims that this is normal for him, although sometimes he does ejaculate, it's been rare in the past. He says sex still feels good for him and he enjoys just bringing woman to climax."

It seems your DP does ejaculate, its just he does not from penentrative sex. He does from oral sex and masturbation. I do not think there is anything wrong at all with him. Neither physical nor psychological.

I too have an enjoyable sex life and it has been especially wonderful in the last few months after finally talking to DW about this very issue after nearly three decades shock.

I have asked her if it is OK for me to delay orgasm/ejaculation, if it is OK to slow sex right down for me and not try to be too quick but just let me initially concentrate on maximising her enjoyment which includes penetration. Then she can focus on me afterwards. The truth is that the initial phase of pentration has hardly ever been enough for me to reach orgasm/ejaculation even though I do enjoy it a lot and especially if DW enjoys it.

I can and do eventually enjoy orgasm/ejaculation through penetration but only if DW bring me right to the edge of the precipice first and then I go inside her and orgasm/ejaculate almost immediately through the final penetration. The reality is that for me, taking the pressure off, delaying ejaculation, and allowing DW to make me very aroused outside her body first is extremely pleasurable and then final orgasm for me is very intense indeed.

notsohotchic I wonder if breaking up sex so that you take your enjoyment first including penetration and then focussing on DP afterwards. Using oral, manual or other forms of stimulation to bring him to the precipice and then leaving penetration to the final moment might be something you could try? I am sure you and he would enjoy it.

The most important thing is not to put pressure on him to orgasm/ejaculate through penetration in the initial phase. Just concentrate on your enjoyment then his enjoyment afterwards.

He has told you he is enjoying himself and especially bringing you to climax. Trust me on this - I know he is enjoying himself.

Please do not worry about it, do not put pressure on DP, do enjoy yourself and do not let it affect your relationship. smile

morningpaper Thu 02-Jul-09 15:59:59

that's a very helpful (and brave) post

Slowman Thu 02-Jul-09 16:02:21

Well that name change worked - I ONLY did it to stop people Googling it and connecting it to my regular MN name.

I do not mind MNetters knowing but there are not many regular male MN posters so please do not mention my name if you guess it.

notsohotchic Thu 02-Jul-09 16:46:18

Yes, thanks slowman, thats very helpful and reassuring. I suppose all men can't be identical anyway, I was just more confident I knew what to expect before...

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