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Considering an abortion :(

(100 Posts)
Sadgirl Mon 25-May-09 07:41:41

Had a contraception failure and in a moment of stupidity DP and i decided to leave it up to fate, what were we thinking

I am now 9/10 weeks pregnant and it feels like i've been hit by the realisation that this is a huge mistake and i can only see the negatives. I have one 20 month old who is such hard work, i am struggling daily with PND, due to start college in september, also entering a weight loss programme (i have a lot to lose) and just feel that this is a mistake. I have bad MS and feel like DS is suffering, i got v bad SPD last time, i just don't think i can handle the pregnancy, nevermind actually having a baby, we had decided to stick at one and i was happy with that choice...

DP has similar doubts but is trying not to say too much i think as he knows this has to be my decision and i am glad he is not trying to sway me but it feels so hard, and so lonely

dizietsma Mon 25-May-09 08:04:05

SG, I've been there, it's a fucker of a decision to make, you have my deepest sympathies.

A Choice To Live With

Excellent workbook for working out how you feel about continuing an unwanted pregnancy, and all your options. It's neither pro-life nor pro-choice, worth a look through.

Keep posting here, there'll be lots of others along soon, you are most certainly not alone.

(((HUGS)))

rasputin Mon 25-May-09 08:13:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedLentil Mon 25-May-09 08:16:55

I haven't been there - but this sounds like such an awful dilemma. No wonder you are finding it hard and lonely.

It's good to hear you have your DP's support.
And you'll have support here too as you work to find a decision that is right for you.

We'll stand beside you if that helps at all.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull Mon 25-May-09 08:25:27

Bless you, what an awful decision to feel you have to make.

I had a termination when I was 19 - it was the only option I felt I had at the time, and although I don't regret my decision I do wish I had had more chance to really talk about things before I made that choice.

are you getting help with your PND?
It sound like your feelings are less about having a new baby and more about feel sad that your plans will be on hold for a bit longer?

I hope someone comes along with brilliant advice, sad

Sadgirl Mon 25-May-09 09:40:13

Thank you all for replying, I feel like I should be an outcast for even thinking about it, it means so much to know that there are people who understand.

dizietsma I have looked at that site and realised that while I feel unsure, I feel glad that DP is not pressuring me into continuing the pregnancy, I feel this is very telling about how I really feel even if I am not clear on that yet. Does that make sense?!

Greyskull I feel as though I am coming out the other side of PND, getting my life back, feeling more like myself again and I am worried about getting AND and of course PND again.

I feel ill at the idea of being stuck in the house in winter with a baby and a toddler and can see nothing positive about it, other than it won't be forever. I still see my DS as very much a baby himself and I just don't want another one while he is so young, if at all.

It feels so foolish to think and say these things when other people cope with 2 or more in quick succession, I feel like my relationship is pretty solid but could not bear the pressure of that - am I kidding myself and we are hanging by a thread in reality? I don't like to think so, I love my DP very dearly and I know he loves me too.

I know there are always positives about having children and I would urge anyone in this position to think about those. But for me and for my family I am not seeing them.

I think I am finding this harder having gone through pregnancy and having had a child. I do not see the pregnancy as a baby yet, it took a while for that to happen with DS, probably even up to the 20 week scan, I was very pleased to be pregnant but still detached for a while, I suppose it felt surreal. But, while I am fiercely pro-choice, I didn't think this would happen to me, any pregnancy would be planned so no need to even think about this! How foolish and silly of me.

I am trying to mentally look forward a few weeks. And I think about not being pregnant anymore, starting weight-loss, enjoying time with my family and friends (most of whom are pregnant I might add) and feeling a sad sense of relief - sad it happened but relieved it's over.

What I am scared of, is nightmares, guilt, shame, and regret. It has to be the right choice because I know I can never undo it. I feel as though I am mentally preparing myself to terminate rather than phone to book a 12 week scan. How do I know how I really feel and that I am not in denial?

How can I have spent the last 3 weeks thinking about my due date and a sibling for DS and then have such a realisation or wake up call as this?

I dreamt all night about the procedure, having read what it involves. Then DS's breathing monitor went off and scared me half to death. It felt symbolic and morbid He had just moved off it, he is too old for it. Silly stupid me.

I hate to use other people's words but this is so fitting:
I changed my mind so much, I can't even trust it; my mind changed me so much I can't even trust myself.

crokky Mon 25-May-09 09:58:06

I haven't been in this position, but I have 2 DCs who are 24 months apart - they are now 3 and 1. Anyway, the most horrific part of it all was when I was pg with my 2nd - I had terrible hyperemesis, I hadn't lost my baby weight from DS and I couldn't look after my DS properly - the pg was a truly horrible time but I did come out the other side. I had anxiety whilst bfeeding no. 2, but now that they are both toddlers, I feel like myself at long last - I am losing the weight, the anxiety is lessening and I feel much better. If you saw me, you'd probably think I was one of the people who you say "cope with 2 in quick succession" - but it wasn't the case!

The only advice I would give you is to think about 5 or 10 years down the line when the pg/baby bits etc are over - do you see you and DP with DS a bit more grown up or do you see yourselves with a 5yo and a 7yo?

Sadgirl Mon 25-May-09 16:58:56

Crokky I am pleased you are feeling better as time is going on with your DCs

I suppose when I look forward I just see the three of us... or, an older child 7/8 and a baby, perhaps. It is hard to imagine two toddlers in the house. DS is still so tiny to me...

Being pregnant seems such a drain compared to before, I have slept all afternoon and feel so sick, DP offers to make X Y or Z for dinner and it all just makes me feel sick, or is it the anxiety?

I feel under pressure to decide quickly, for myself, for all of us. Not from DP. But at 9/10 weeks I can't drag this out.

Plonketyplonk Mon 25-May-09 18:09:48

I was in a similar situation last year. It was bloody hell, and horrible having my body hijacked like that. I had been through a pretty awful time health-wise and my family took some pretty spectacularly dysfunctional turns. The timing was bad.

The best people for me were the family planning and it was such a relief that there were people to talk about my situation.

I didn't have to go through an abortion as it evacuated itself, but I guess I would have done. The whole thing just felt terribly wrong. The family planning will be able to guide you whatever your decision, but the great thing about them is that they listen.

RedLentil Tue 26-May-09 09:34:30

Sadgirl - how are you feeling about things today. Have you managed to chat more about it with DP?

Being pregnant with a toddler around is very draining. Can someone mind him for you for an hour or two so that you get chance to think?

chimchar Tue 26-May-09 09:41:49

thinking of you sadgirl...you sound like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place...hope you find peace of mind soon. x

laumiere Tue 26-May-09 09:42:23

Sadgirl, I'd echo the other posters that being pg with another LO to look after is exhausting, as is working/studying. I didn't have SPD and I'd still be so tired I'd sit and cry at the end of the day (mine are 3 years apart but older DS is disabled so is like having a very big 20mo old!)

If you did decide to continue with the pg you might be eligible for care assistance from social services.

swanriver Tue 26-May-09 10:01:07

Sadgirl, I think that nature makes us very depressed for those first three months of pregnancy in case we do lose it through mc. I know I felt depressed despite being overjoyed to be pg at all through IVF. And was in a similar situation to Greyskull when 21.
Really, it is only years on that one thinks what might have been, and then it hits you hard.
Your little one will be much older, nearly three by then, and things won't be so bad. I don't think you will be shortchanging him by having another. Sometimes the relentlessness of life entertaining one toddler is a bit less with a baby in tow, odd though that may seem. All those boring trips to the park in the wind and rain seem to make more sense.

Sadgirl Tue 26-May-09 12:44:30

Thank you for more thoughts and words x

Plonkety I am sorry you had to go through that experience I hope you are in a happier place now.

Had a chat with my DP yesterday, he is being great, not saying much but reassuring me that this is down to me - listening to my fears and worries and not joining in with his own.

I know that even if I feel 100% sure about a termination, I may come to regret it years from now, but I cannot live on maybes. There are things from my past I regret, but I understand that they were right at the time. The beauty of hindsight...

Today I feel sure that I am not going to continue with the pregnancy. I feel a sort of peace with that decision. I feel okay, looking at babies in prams as I took DS to playgroup. But I am terrified of the cold mechanics of it. I wish I could go to sleep tonight, wake up tomorrow and it would all be over. But life is not like that and I will have to go through with something unpleasant and uncomfortable to get there and my fear is that this is what damages me. I feel okay with my decision, but I know that making a decision is actually the easy part, it's the doing that is hard.

I am phoning a private clinic as soon as I have worked up the nerve to do so - I know that a counselling session is the first stage and so that does not seem so... scary.

Plonketyplonk Tue 26-May-09 13:35:26

You'll feel much better about making a decision when you've talked to someone.

After the mc I felt a huge wave of relief. I am so sorry that you are in this position. I hope you get yourself to the clinic. They will not try to push you one way or the other, and will support you whatever you decide.

differentnameforthis Tue 26-May-09 13:36:36

sadgirl....sympathies!

I went thru this late last year. 2 weeks before Christmas & I was feeling sick, light headed etc. Crampy. I took a pregnancy test to 'rule it out' but it didn't rule it out. Until that day I never believed it when people say they threw up out of fear/shock, I believe it now tho.

I had dd2 in the July by c-section. Asked my surgical team to sterilize me, they wouldn't. Told me to ask my GP to refer me for it at 6 week check, I asked, he refused. Practice policy not to do before baby is 1yr. Seemed no one believed that I knew in my mind that 2 was enough for me & dh. So anyway, the one time I felt physically able to do anything, the contraceptive failed us. My world literally stopped the day I found out. I couldn't get hold of dh at work, got hold of a friend who came over & found me sobbing on the floor in my lounge room.

There are various reasons I didn't want #3. SPD in both previous pregnancies, Pre Eclampsia with dd1, carpal tunnel with dd2 that still lingers even now (that resulted, at it's worse in total numbness of my left thumb so I couldn't grip anything, driving was hard & completely difficult towards the end), double c-section. Aside from the fact that I just did not want 3 children. It wasn't in my plan. We can afford 2, we can house 2, we are happy with 2. Add to that that I just could not bring a child into this world who wasn't wanted from the very start. For very persoanl reasons, I just couldn't.

I knew that the only outcome was a termination. For me it wasn't really a decision to make. My mind was set & I don't know how I got through it. It wasn't easy.

I didn't view it as a baby. To me it was just something in me that had to come out, but it still stopped me drinking at Christmas. I guess that subconsciously I didn't 'just incase'

I had a termination on 9/1/09. I woke from the GA & cried, more through relief that I was no longer pregnant.

So, almost 5 months on and I am happy with the choice I made. I know that it was best for me & my family. I have no regrets, I haven't once thought what if. I don't mourn, regret, wonder what it would be like now.

One lady on here wrote a few words that summed up my feelings about the whole thing, I hope she won't mind me putting it here. I am sorry that I cannot recall her chatname (apologies). I cannot put it better myself.

"I wish I had never been put in a position where I believed it was necessary for me to have one, but I don't wish I could go back and change my mind"

My dr also told me that she admired my strength. She said that it takes courage not to bring an unwanted child into the world, just bacause it happened. That I didn't have to go against my beliefs just because of the situation I found myself in.

You have to do what it right for you. You are allowed to end the pregnancy if you decide & you are allowed to continue it, if that is what you want to do. I cannot tell you what to expect afterwards, because we are all different. As I said, I felt relief & some guilt that that was all I felt. But it hasn't affected my day to day life as another pregnancy & baby would have.

I do wish you strength for the decision you are about to make. There is no wrong decision & no right one, only the one you make.

MannyWaters Tue 26-May-09 13:39:56

Sadgirl - sorry to hear you are having such a rough time.

Sometimes we come to the end of our strength and energy and it feels that we have to take a hard decision just to survive with our physical and mental health intact.

Others in the same circumstances would make a different choice. Hard perhaps for you to be objective when you are so full of negative thoughts about the future. Sometimes it's good not to take a decision based on feelings (even when our emotions are running at fever-pitch).

Is there any way you can get more support to lighten your load in the coming months if you keep your baby? When I had my dd I didn't think I could cope with the sleeplessness and clingyness but now she is a beautiful, independent-minded teenager and a real joy. The strain I felt at the time was like a nightmare, but circumstances moved on, and the difficult time passed.

Can you step outside your own turmoil and have the imagination to think about how lovely it would be to have two children (and a sibling for your ds?). However difficult your life might end up in the short-term, your child would thank you for giving him/her life and a chance to be nurtured by you and your dp.

May I suggest that if you went ahead and kept your baby it is very, very unlikely that you would look at them and ever regret that they were part of your family. It's a rare parent that doesn't love and cherish their children.

All the best.

Sadgirl Tue 26-May-09 14:24:43

Thank you Plonkety. Someone is phoning me tonight to discuss it. I feel calm having made the initial call. Very sad though.

differentnameforthis - thank you so much for sharing your story. I feel the same about wanting a child from the start... no bearing on other people's choices, just how I feel about my own. I am happy for you that after it all you are happy with the decision and I hope I can be in the same place too.

Manny I appreciate your post. It is not just about support or sleepless nights, DS has been a terrible sleeper but I don't feel that has had a major impact and we have absolutely no support but again we have just got on with it. The timing is bad, yes, but the timing is just part of it, the bottom line is that I am not mentally or physically ready, the logistics come a long second to that Your post is kind and I am grateful you took the time, for it is easy to get caught up in one side of any decision.

This is about now and the future. It hurts to say I don't want another baby, another toddler, another child. It hurts to feel it. It feels strange, too, I mean I look at my DS and know I couldn't doubt having him now for even a millisecond, not ever, he is not just part of our lives but IS our life, the centre of it, the joy of it, the heart of it.

Maybe in five years, or maybe not. But not now.

differentnameforthis Tue 26-May-09 23:31:12

It is sad...very sad. Even tho I knew I was doing the right thing I still cried almost all time for having to be in that place, for having to do what was necessary to make it end.

Dh and I have been together for alomst 20 & in all of that time we never once had an accident, never once have I needed to test, or had a scare! Why now I thought? Some people told me it was meant to be, but while I do believe in that sometimes, not this time. I couldn't see how this could have been 'meant to be'.

I am happy, SG. I can honestly say that I do not regret my choice, neither does dh. I watch my baby (11 months) and I can chase her when she crawls off, I can lift her, I can cuddle her on my tummy. All things that seem SO small, but chasing would have been a no no due to SPD, lifting the same due to carpal tunnel & cuddles the same due to being so sick all the time. The 9 months it took for the new 'baby' to develope would have 9 months of hell for all of us. Not to say that I am sure I developed depression while I was pregnant. Everyday was so hard to get through, I was unbearable to live with.

And who can say that I would have loved it, had I continued with the pregnancy? People do regret having babies. They DO! Alot of the time they don't say as much. But it isn't as rare as people think. Maybe it was because my mum regretted having me, that I couldn't do it...I guess I'll never know!

You are in a hard place & I don't envy you. I remember back to last year & just feel glad that I am through it. You will be fine. You will start to feel normal very soon afterwards. I was amazed at how well I felt the next day. The sickness faded overnight.

If you need to talk you can find me at different.name@hotmail.com

Take care of you.

differentnameforthis Tue 26-May-09 23:33:05

*almost 20 years

Sadgirl Wed 27-May-09 08:15:42

differentnameforthis - I will email you tonight if that's okay

I think you are right, it is terribly sad but some babies probably are regretted, I don't want that to happen to me. All that you say about coping with SPD I agree with, you forget these things quite quickly but it made me very depressed last time and I was housebound for weeks and sick of it, I can't imagine that with my DS still so young and high-need.

I am sorry your mum regretted you it's sad that you even have to know... I know my mum very much wanted me but afterwards regretted making herself so vulnerable and stuck with my father, knowing that if she hadn't had me she would have been free not the same I know but a sense of responsibility for her misery has stuck with me.

I feel very alone today. I had the phonecall from the nurse last night and I expected it to be a counselling talk but it was more a list of do's and don't's and aftercare information... I didn't feel judged, just a bit of a statistic. Maybe that should be a comfort, this doesn't ruin other women's lives and it doesn't have to ruin mine? I am just scared of the procedure and battling over sedation or not. I have made up my mind, haven't I. I don't even think DP could change it now.

I have an appointment for Monday. I was offered one for Friday but I declined, didn't want DS to have a shitty weekend but maybe it would be better.

iwassadtoo Wed 27-May-09 09:08:27

Hello sadgirl. I've namechanged for this only because I wouldn't want to be indentified in RL.

When my youngest son was only a few weeks old we had a contraception failure and I took the MAP. I genuinely didn't think anymore of it so was shocked to discover several weeks later that I was pregnant. I was the same as differentname and tested to rule it out, it was a horrible feeling and I instantly knew that I could not have the baby. DH and I were happy together we love our children dearly but right there and then it was totally wrong for us. DS2 was an extremely ill baby and in and out of hospital, I had been present when he had had x-rays whilst unknowingly pregnant and the timing couldn't have been worse.

I can clearly remember going to see my GP to ask for a referral for a termination whilst my four month old baby was asleep in his car seat, and being unable to get the words out of my mouth. The appointment was a week later and a scan discovered that I was already nine weeks pregnant and that it was twins. The doctors/nurses we saw were lovely, kind and understanding. I went into hospital the next day and had the termination under GA. I knew I couldn't stand to be awake for it.

If I could go back I wouldn't change our decision, I would go back to the night of conception and have a headache though as I wish I hadn't had to have made the decision in the first place.

If you are offerred any counselling afterwards then do take it, I had the most disturbing dreams for ages afterwards and in the end did see a counsellor, for this and other problems at the time and it really helped.

I hope you are okay today. (((hugs)))

madameovary Wed 27-May-09 09:30:22

Hello Sadgirl,

Just wanted to join in with some words of support. I was in this situation a few years ago with my now ex. It was horrendous and I went back and forth. In the end I went ahead with the termination as I was in no fit state to bring up a child and I would have felt very vulnerable indeed.

I have shed my tears for what might have been and come to terms with it after I had DD, I dont think I was emotionally ready to face it before. However you sound like you most definitely are.
What is important is that you get the right support to make your decision, both before and after. Its good that your DP is there for you.
Oh and please dont give too much thought about what others might feel or do. This is YOU and you are unique in what you feel and think. Please be kind to yourself.

mummy2isla Wed 27-May-09 12:58:03

Hi

Wanted to support you too. I had a termination and then a year later had a baby. It was the right decision and I don't regret it.

Good luck with whatever you do.

XX

I hope you are getting the support you need but personally I think you need to talk to your DP and get your DP to talk to you honestly. This isn't just your decision it's something that will effect both of you.

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