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just found out im pregnant - dont know what to do ( long sorry)

(72 Posts)
Knakard Tue 16-Sep-08 12:05:46

Didnt really no what topic to post this in. I have just found out i am pregnant. I went for a blood test as have been really run down and they were actually checking for glandular fever. Ds is 9 months old and still havent got period back as am breastfeeding so had no idea and i never really got any symptoms last time in first trimester.
When i had the doc app today she felt my abdoman and said she thought i was somewhere between 8 and 14 weeks, as far as i am aware we hadnt had a contraception failure so have no idea of dates myself.
I had a nightmare pregnancy last time on crutches from 30 wks with spd and i also have an emerg section in the end. I physically dont feel reallly to be pregnant or have a newborn again as am still so drained and ds still wakes several times in the night, im back at work now and contantly exhausted
I also feel like i dont want ds to have to share me yet and he still deserves my full attention, financially and space wise there would be issues as well, but we would cope.
I know you cant really advise as this is a hugely personal thing but think i really just needed to get it out as other than dp dont really want to talk to anyone in rl about it.
Also i always thought if heaven forbid i ever had to make this sort of decision it would be far earlier on in pregnacy than this.
Gp is in the process of trying to get me refered for date scan asap.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

nickytwotimes Tue 16-Sep-08 12:12:16

sad for you Knakard.
Like you say, I can't tell you what to do as only you and dp can make that difficult choice.
I would have felt the same as you if I'd become pregnant when ds was 9 mths.
Perhaps a dating scan will help?
Could you seek unbiased pregnancy counselling?

cali Tue 16-Sep-08 12:12:49

just wanted you to know that you are not alone, don't have any advice but didn't want to see your thread go unanswered.

dd2 was a suprise but dd1 was 2 so a lot older, I had spd with dd1 but nothing with dd2.

when will you get your scan?

CatMandu Tue 16-Sep-08 12:14:04

I can relate to how you are feeling Knakard. DD2 was only three months old when I found out I was pg again. When I used to try to image how life would be with another baby the thought was so awful that my mind wouldn't allow me to imagine it. I was in total shock and felt guilty that I really didn't want to be pg again.

However, after a bit of time I just had to get on with it. DH was brilliant and we managed. There are lots of good things about having them close together - you are in baby mode now and you might as well throw another one into the mix. Friends who had long gaps found it hard because they'd got their nights back and then had to start all over again.

My advice is accept all help offered, ask dh to take over some of the night time duties and don't worry.

Don't forget that no two pg's are the same, so you may not suffer in the same way this time.

My two are great friends now and I wouldn't send ds back for anything.

Porpoise Tue 16-Sep-08 12:16:49

Gosh what a shock for you - and I do know how you feel as my ds1 was only just 9 months when I fell pregnant with ds2.

It was a real struggle at first, I have to admit (and I didn't have SPD), but, eight years (and another ds) down the line, I can honestly say it was so, so worth it.

Do keep posting - you must have so many conflicting thoughts buzzing round in your head

stillstanding Tue 16-Sep-08 12:17:46

Knakard, only you can really know what to do. And I can only imagine the shock that you are in right now. So many factors are at play right now but perhaps it is worth bearing in mind that it is totally understandable that you are completely exhausted right now given that you have a 9 mth old AND that you are in your first trimester. Also pregnancies are really very long and perhaps once you are over the initial shock and 7 months down the line you will feel very differently from now. If you had told me that I was pregnant when DS was 9 mths I would have been miserable but now that he is 18mths I am unbelievably broody and if you gave me a baby tomorrow I would be delighted! Just give yourself time to adjust to the shock methinks.

Knakard Tue 16-Sep-08 12:20:32

Thankyou so much for the kind replies.
Hopefully i can get a scan by the end of the week.
Dreading the idea though of sitting in a waiting room with all those happy excited couples and me not knowing. The scans where such joyful occasions last time and if we do decide to proceed with the pregnancy i dont want all they joy to be sucked out of this one.
I think the scan will make this decision for me in fairness as certainly dont think i could face a termination at 12/13wks plus.
I always though of my self as very pro choice but having had a child this decision seems very different.
I also keep thinking if we decide to keep it i dont want to look at my beautiful child have have to think, god if wed know about you earlier we would have got rid of you.
Im only 23 and 23 with 2 kids just seems off the plot some how.
Im sorry im babbling a bit!

piratecat Tue 16-Sep-08 12:24:26

hi i feel for you, i had this decision to make once, and it nearly killed me, and I still grieve for that decision.

Yet i had to practical, but it broke my heart, and is prob a reason for my marriage ending too.

I just concentrate (then and now) on the dd who was planned.


hecate Tue 16-Sep-08 12:29:30

It is a shock. What are your partner's initial feelings? Are you two discussing your options?

FWIW, I conceived ds2 when ds1 was 6 months old, so there's only 15 months between them. When I found out I was pregnant again I felt HORRIBLE! We were scared and worried that we couldn't cope with 2 very little ones, and also worried about the finances. We thought about abortion, but it wasn't right for us - that is not a judgement on anyone who makes a different choice, it is an entirely personal thing. But just to let you know that I know what you are going through. ds1 birth was very traumatic, we both nearly died and he was left with a permanent disability, so I was very afraid of going through that again. I am not trying to hijack your thread grin not making this about me, hope you don't think that, just explaining so you can see that I really do relate to your situation. It is a hard thing if it's not what you'd planned. The thoughts that go through you head! It's not easy. All I can say is that I am actually very pleased that it happened that way, the small age gap has worked out well for us. If I had to do it all over again - I would actually plan it that way. I didn't see it that way at the time though, I can tell you!

Take time to talk and to decide between you what is best for all of you. Whatever you decide, you need to stay close because you will be each other's support.

piratecat Tue 16-Sep-08 12:32:24

i felt the spd, at 6 weeks, at that time i could barely walk after dd's pg, and she was 6 months.

In fact 7 yrs on, i still have pain.

truly awful decision x

Knakard Tue 16-Sep-08 12:35:09

We had long talk this morning but hes had to go back to work now.
His initially thoughts really are to wait and see what the scan say but that we will manage either way, hes being great really and keep saying that esentially it is my body that will have to go through it either way.
im so confused - could really do with a nap!
gp aid we will be offered a councilling session after the scan.

Knakard Tue 16-Sep-08 12:53:11

Can anyone who has has a surgical abortion tell me - is it as horrific as it sounds?

Milco Tue 16-Sep-08 13:02:25


Sounds like you are having a really tough time and I can only imagine how you are feeling - no experience of it myself. But I think my mum might have gone through something similar herself many years ago - my younger sister and I are just under 18 months apart. She had had a very difficult labour with me and her second pregnancy was not planned.

You mentioned you worry that you will not be able to give your son your full attention. I do know that my mum worried in just the same way about me. But I can honestly say (though obviously I can't remember) that I do not think I have in anyway suffered from the experience. I imagine I rather enjoyed having extra time and attention with my granny and dad when my mum was busy with my sister. My sister and I spent a lot of time playing together throughout our childhoods (though we of course argued too!) and we are still great friends now. I know this is only one factor in your decision, but just wanted to try to reassure you that there could be lots of positives from your son's point of view - and not to add worries about him to your list.

I wish you the very best with whatever you decide to do xxxx

not30yet Tue 16-Sep-08 13:42:39

exactley the same thing happened to me, nightmare pg with fist baby, she was also really poorly and needed major surgery when 3 days old. my husband was a usless arse (now ex-husband!!) and i found myself pg again! exhausted and miserable (PND).. having had a termination at 16 and had a miscarriage a year before my 1st pg i decided to struggle thro with the 2nd.

At 23 i had two kids, an ex husband, and a hefty mortgage to pay! joy..

it is amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it.

10 years later i am so pleased i continued with 2nd pg as have now discovered that i cant have kids with my new adoring and fab husband and altho it was a struggle in early days, i am much stronger and now extremely happy.

good luck x

Knakard Tue 16-Sep-08 14:16:40

Have just had a phone call to say my scan is booked for tomorrow early afternoon.
Im off to work now - thankyou for all your supportive mesages, will update thread tomorrow after scan.
Thankyou again xxx

magnolia74 Tue 16-Sep-08 14:21:34

With regards to the surgical termination, no its not awful at all physically but mentally its a very hard decision sad
Thinking of you xx

pigleto Tue 16-Sep-08 14:25:04

good luck, whatever you decide.

Sam100 Tue 16-Sep-08 14:28:52

Knakard - i have 2 close together - it is hard work but some aspects are much easier than having 2 further apart and we are starting to reap the benefits as they keep each other company now.

From a practical point of view if you decide to carry on with the pregnancy I would say take any help you can get. I had a girl from the local college who was doing a CACHE childcare course come and do a placement for 3-4 months with us. She came for 2 full days a week and was obviously under my supervision all the time but it meant we were able to do things like take the kids swimming etc which I could not have managed on my own. It was a huge help and she became a good friend of the family. The college actively looked for families with 2 or more young children and advertised via the Health Visitors and local playgroups. We were vetted by the college first and she had full CRB checks too.

cali Tue 16-Sep-08 14:59:24

thinking of you

BlaDeBla Tue 16-Sep-08 17:28:03

I was in a similar situation recently. It is a horrible place to be. I am sorry. For me, the Family Planning people were the most helpful. It was such a relief to talk to someone who wasn't judging me for whatever decision I came to, and could talk about my fears and what the pg meant to me. It was far more helpful than all the scans I had, hoping against hope that the decision would be made for me. In the end, I had a miscarriage. Had I not done a pg test, I probably wouldn't have even considered that I could have been pg!

I hope all goes well for you tomorrow!

Knakard Tue 16-Sep-08 23:29:54

Thankyou for the messages of support.
Have had a long talk with dh this evening. The decision i think we have both made is that if the scan says i am more than 12 weeks then we really couldnt face termination.
If it is earlier than that then dont know we will see what our hearts say when we found out.

LittlePushka Tue 16-Sep-08 23:37:27

Whatever you chose I hope you find peace with your decision. best wishes

Knakard Wed 17-Sep-08 19:42:34

Am 14 weeks today. dont really know how to feel.

nickytwotimes Wed 17-Sep-08 19:47:42

Hi Knakared.
Don't know what to say - just wanted to acknowledge you there. Things might seem clearer in a day or two?

lou031205 Wed 17-Sep-08 19:51:05

Hi Knakard. You are in shock. But at least your decision has been made. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes over you.

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