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oral sex - issues because of abuse - anyone else?

(27 Posts)
PCOmNomNASWM Thu 31-Jul-08 21:13:29

serious subject

prbably shoudl have name changed, but cant work out how atm

I have a huge problem with it - I know why - but is it possiblke to get over it?

not that sex per se is an issue but oral?

Elasticwoman Thu 31-Jul-08 21:16:41

Don't do it if you don't like it. Are you being put under pressure to do something sexual you don't want to?

Nat1H Thu 31-Jul-08 21:18:55

Presume you're with a permanent partner? Can you explain why you can't do it? Maybe go for some sort of counselling? (although never worked for me - used to piss me off actually grin)
Time helped me to deal with my problems, although I do very occasionally have a panic attack if I feel pressured.

PCOmNomNASWM Thu 31-Jul-08 21:23:51

yes partner - dh - for 17 years

but its not his fault

we dont have sex at all any more lol

but I get so panicky that the thought frigtens me

the bumsex thread brought it all back

fuuuny realy, cos that is supposed to be amusing

but this is serious

nbastard - what mean stick their cocks in kids mouths eh?

thisisyesterday Thu 31-Jul-08 21:25:46

do you want to do it but can't? or do you just not want to do it?

some people don't. I hate giving and receiving, so we just don't do it

emma1977 Thu 31-Jul-08 21:26:02

I would reinterate being open and honest with your partner about your reluctance. Never feel pressured to participate in something which you don't feel comfortable with.

If you are interested in counselling, you may have a branch of SARAC (sexual abuse and rape advice centre) close to you who could help.

PCOmNomNASWM Thu 31-Jul-08 21:27:58

dh is fine, we dont have an intimate relahsop any more so it isnt an issue

he doesnt knwo abotu the abuse

have therapiust, she knows, but I still cant say it all

feel angry about it atm tho

prob just bit drubnk

Elasticwoman Thu 31-Jul-08 21:33:01

You're not having sex with dh, but the issue of having oral sex comes up? I don't understand.

PCOmNomNASWM Thu 31-Jul-08 21:34:40

just cos not having it doenst mean I dont htink about it, and tsomething this evneing brought it all back to me

girlnextdoor Thu 31-Jul-08 21:48:31

talk to your therapist.

If you aren't having sex, why are you thinking about it? hmm Sounds like an abuse issue, not a relationship issue with a partner.

Nat1H Thu 31-Jul-08 21:50:11

It's strange how a stupid comment or action can leave us feeling shit isn't it? sad
Try not to dwell on it (very difficult I know)
Open another bottle of wine grin

Nat1H Thu 31-Jul-08 21:53:03

Maybe talking to your partner about could help (just thinking out loud)
Looking back, this is what helped me. My hubby made me realise that not all men are selfish twats, and that some do actually care about what YOU want and how You feel.

PCOmNomNASWM Thu 31-Jul-08 22:04:14

girl - it IS an abuse issuem, i didnt say it was a reklationship issue. but I trhink about it cos there ar cnstant reminders about it, sex is everywhere isnt it?

nat - am in therapy - but ther eis so myuch to do - and sex is a long way done the loine and seeing as dh and I cant/.dont then it isnt an issue

shodlnt have startedd thread - feel stupid now
but the damn bumsex thing brought it all back to me

emma1977 Thu 31-Jul-08 22:21:54

People who have been abused can have obsessive or intrusive thoughts about what happened to them. The thoughts can be provoked by the most innoccuous things and can be very distressing.

My thoughts are with the OP. There is nothing wrong with you or your relationship, if you are happy with the status quo. However, if you are finding the memories upsetting and need to talk to someone other than your DP, then I urge you to do so. You could see you GP or a specialist anonymous counselling service. Failing that, you could write down what happened, how it makes you feel and then destroy it. Whatever happened, you did not ask for it and do not deserve to still be hounded by it or let it intrude into your life.

No need to feel stupid about starting this thread.

totallynamechanged Fri 01-Aug-08 08:26:00


I was going to post last night but was interrupted so couldn't so sorry if this brings things up again. Anyway, I kind of understand your feelings. When I say kind of, I mean its not me that has the issues but DP. Something happened to my DP when they were little and when we got together it was made clear that it wasn't to happen under any circumstance. DP would not talk about it at the time and it is not a discussion we ever have now. I'm not saying its easy and sometimes I would love to give oral sex but I can't. I respect DP and it would send DP into some form of depression for some time. When we had previously talked about it, DP said counselling would never be an issue.

Sex isn't really an issue, DP enjoys it but is very insecure and sensitive about it e.g. if for some reason i'm not interested, but hopefully we are through this now i've realised just HOW sensitive DP is.

PS I have not mentioned our genders as i'm paranoid DP may read this.

girlnextdoor Fri 01-Aug-08 08:44:32

totallync- I reckon you are man then, lol!

emma77- the OP is in therapy and that is where she should seek help- see my post too- we say the same thing.

PCOmNomNASWM Fri 01-Aug-08 19:37:26

thanks for all your posts.

Yesterday was a tough day. Crunch point almost. Admitting things to myself etc. But now I have, I want to keep going, although I know it is ging to be hard.

I have an hour a week pyschotherapy and the other x hours a week I have to try to do this on my own. Thus turning to mn in times of need. I just wish I knew how to cope with all these emotions atm

I feel like evderyting is exploding out of me and I dont know what to do about it

OverMyDeadBody Fri 01-Aug-08 19:43:20


I wish there was a magic wand to just wave and make you feel better sad

Take the emotions one day at a time, deal with little managable bits as and when you can, and don't pressure yourself to 'get better'.

You are a strong person and you will get through this.

nickytwotimes Fri 01-Aug-08 19:45:12

PCO, just seen this thread and wanted to say good on you for facing these difficult issues.
I've been through therapy for childhood sexual abuse via Rape Crisis. It was a big help, so keep working at things. It does get better.
if you don't already have it, get a copy of 'The Courage To Heal' by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. The workbook that goes with it is excellent too. There are other books out there too and all can be very helpful in reducing that horrid feeling of isolation.
Btw, I only rarely have flashbacks now, if I'm a bit depressed usually. Dh and I have a good sex life.
Things can get better!

PCOmNomNASWM Fri 01-Aug-08 19:59:19

waves at OMDB

nicky - thanks for sharing that

It's funny really, of all the stuff I have been dealin with over the past God knows how many years, I did not think that this thing from 36 ish years ago would be quite so significant. But the work I have been doing in therapy to help me acknowlegde and recognise my feelings has taken us right back to this point in my life

how on earht could I have shown any enmotion when I was threaten and hurt so badly and told I would be dead if I said anything? Thus repression set in from a very young age.

But I want to feel things now, but I am told that along with the good feelings the crap ones from over the years have to come out too

I am dreading it

I havent cried for years (apart from a very drunken phone call to my best friend - but I dont remember crying, altho I know she was telling teh truth IYKIWM)

I wish I could snap my fingers and all this be over with. I have never been a 'victim' and I dont want to be one now, I just want to be a normal person able to experience normal emotions

rigth now I feel like crying but I wouldnt know how

nickytwotimes Fri 01-Aug-08 20:11:09

PCo, you are not a victim, you are a 'survivor'. Very Californian word that I normally don't like, but at times like this you have to remember that you have done everything you could to get through the abuse and it's aftermath. Not only that, but you have recognised that some of your survival based behavior is not working for you anymore and you are willing to do the hard work to make things better for you and your loved ones.
The fact you are able to ahve a good, healthy relationship is brilliant. Make sure you get lots of support and you will get there.
Remember that the worst bit is over - you made it through the abuse itself and you have not given in and done something awful to yourself as many do.

I'm off to see to ds, but I will check the thread tomorrow, see how things are?

PCOmNomNASWM Fri 01-Aug-08 20:17:16

thansk nicky - unfortunately I do not have a healthy relatinship, in any sense of the words - and also have done and continue to do awful things to myself

so maybe I have become a victim after all

noonki Fri 01-Aug-08 20:18:01

I think you are being really amazing,

If you start crying nothing bad will happen,

a friend of my who was abused as a child told me that once she started telling people about it (as an adult) that the more she said it, the more it bacame a 'story' and she felt detached from the events. She said the first time she told the whole truth to someone she felt so tired that she slept all day and night, but it became easier and easier.

I think you are being so strong to have got this far (()))

nickytwotimes Fri 01-Aug-08 20:33:58

PCO, I'm back as ds settled fast - must be my lucky night!
by bad things I mean taking your own life. Doing destructive things to yourself is normal after abuse. I was anorexic, self-harmed and indulged in some risky behavior. These are just coping methods. So you are not a victim! You are normal!
Also, as far as your relationship goes, it will either get better as you do or will end if it is harming you. This is normal too!

nickytwotimes Fri 01-Aug-08 20:36:25

You can get most of these through the library too.

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