Why won't anyone acknowledge that sometimes all the chronic health management and coping strategies and resources are not enough to achieve an acceptable quality of life? Why is that not talked about? Why am I not allowed support with that? Blamed and given another lecture about a CBT strategy they just acknowledged themselves I already use as successfully as possible?
Multiple chronic illnesses, one life limiting but I'm not actively dying and we don't know when it will snuff my life out so "it's ok" and I'm supposed to be fine walking around knowing the horrible way my life will prematurely end.
Severe trauma, from complex sources, exacerbated by all the medical interventions I've been through over the last decade. Any medical related anything is horrendous, even just being touched.
The medical situation has destroyed any chance of my recovering from the trauma, and now the original traumas and medical traumas are entwined and unsafe to attempt active therapy on. They can't be unravelled and my on going health means I'm constantly acquiring new trauma and being actively traumatised.
Have worked my arse off with all the relevant psychological therapies for both chronic illness and trauma (and nope, EMDR was not the magic cure for my trauma, I failed there too, so please don't suggest it is going to transform my life - I've already had that disappointment).
I use the strategies, I am creative with my pain and symptom management, I know how to use pacing, I have an array of selfcare strategies that I use everyday, I know everything I am supposed to do to manage trauma symptoms and I do, I use CBT techniques, I ask and accept and engage with help, I pretend to be positive and don't drag people down (because nobody can cope with the merest hint at how awful my life really is), I adapt things I can't do and accept I can't do many many other things, I have strategies for distress and grief and blah blah blah.
Nothing gets better. The distress is still every day. The pain is still every day. The trauma is growing with every medical letter, appointment, intervention. I have my strategies and I quietly endure so that no resources are wasted on my pain and distress. It is not humanly possible to take more responsibility for my own self and my own emotions than I do. I don't expect MH services to rescue me; I know they can't.
I have repeatedly downgraded my hopes and dreams, and tried to find replacement hobbies for activities I cherished and lost due to my health. I listen quietly when HCPs tell me to "just find something new" each time I lose part of myself and something I cared about as if it was nothing. I nod when they tell me they can't help.
I know things could be worse. Every time I think I must have been dished out a lifetime's worth of awfulness, it gets worse. Knowing how much worse my life can get is not comforting. Knowing my ability to endure suffering counts for nothing is not comforting.
I have lost my hopes, my dreams, my sanity, my health, my bodily integrity, my independence, my hobbies, my privacy, my career, my chance to have a relationship, my chance to be a mum.
I didn't want a lot from life in the first place - I didn't start off with unrealistic hopes and dreams - I accepted all the losses, and I kept fighting so hard to still be here and make the best of things. I've tried to be grateful and positive and hopeful but I just feel pain.
Yet every day is just a battle to endure pain and trauma symptoms, knowing at the end of all this I am going to die a traumatic death alone without ever getting to be a mum. If things had been different I think I could have been a good mum.
I've just had another letter about more medical hoops they want me to jump through like it's nothing but it's not nothing to me. It's unbearable and unmanageable, but if I can't jump through these hoops life will get even worse for me. I'm already maxed out, I don't have capacity to "just" push myself "a bit" harder for the latest demand.
I've had enough and I just want to be allowed a humane way out because all the psychological support and all my work is not enough for this to be a bearable existence. I am alone, I am suffering and it is never going to get better.
Not expecting replies. I know there is nothing anyone can say or do. But thank you if you managed to read any of that.
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.
General health
Chronic illness, can't take any more
14 replies
brokenbymedicalstuff · 10/02/2021 16:23
OP posts:
OhTinnitus ·
10/02/2021 17:05
I understand OP. It's very difficult to go through. 
After many years of my health deteriorating, I became very depressed. But in recent years, I have found meditation very helpful. It took a long time to feel the benefits as severe pain was a real hindrance to connecting to it but now that I have, it really helps with my frame of mind.
TaraR2020 ·
10/02/2021 23:59
I also want you to know I've heard you, and I believe you about the amount of pain you're in and how much you're suffering.
Im so sorry you've had to give up your hopes and dreams. And I understand the frustration when someone suggests another therapy that you've either already tried or already implement.
I wish I could offer a solution but all I can do is say that I'm thinking of you
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.