I'm broken after a series of abusive relationships. How do I find my mojo again?

[longtimecomin]

My dad was economically abusive to my mum and my mum was verbally and emotionally abusive to my dad. Growing up it was fights tension swearing not a happy household. I was delighted when they split up. But now as an adult I only attract abusive partners, I must give out that vibe or frequency I guess. I'm intelligent and successful at work and generally popular but I'm so ashamed of my relationship history. I have 2 kids by different dads, the first was violent the second shouted at me constantly. It took over a year to get out of my last relationship because he refused to accept it was over or to leave. In the end I got him arrested.

But now I'm broken, I've been single for 2 months and I know I'll be single for a long time because I don't trust my internal radar. I can't put my kids through anything else but I feel so lost, I used to be so outgoing and happy and optimistic and now I'm just a wreck.

How do I become the happy mum for my kids? I work then I'm cooking and tidying, there's so much to do, I'm not giving the kids the quality life they deserve and I've run out of internal reserves.

Any suggestions?

[psychedelephant]

Omg sorry op, here's the link: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

[Hotcuppatea]

I second The Freedom Programme. You can self refer and the book is available on Amazon. One thing that I really like about the book is that as well as talking the about the different types of abusive arseholes out there, it also talks about The Good Man.

The Good Man isn't a saint. He's just normal and the minimum that you should expect in a relationship. It helps to reset your idea of what normal is.

[longtimecomin]

Thanks, so I thought the freedom programme was to help get out of relationships? Does it also educate you about good ones? I'll have to try it/ read the book. My worry is that men can be saints for the first 2 or 3 years but then the mask slips and then you're in too deep, have mortgages and kids with them so getting out is tricky.

[psychedelephant]

The Freedom Programme helps you make sense of abuse and gives you the information to help you avoid relationships which are likely to become abusive. Obvs everyone has heard of someone whose partner has hidden a drug problem or secret family but I think that's unusual. If someone wants to control you they need to take action, and they're not likely to wait years to do that.

[Hotcuppatea]

The men who you think are saints for the first two or three years aren't. You just don't know how to recognise the red flags, because they are super manipulative and you are in the habit of living with their shit. A habit formed in childhood.

Time to make a new habit. You can do it.

[crankysaurus]

That's sounds really tough. I've not done it but the Freedom Programme gets a lot of mentions on the relationship boards and sounds like it would be useful to you as posters describe ^

Can I suggest also though, take your time and learn to be happy in your own self, find what makes you happy for you without a relationship. Drop the expectations (either your own or society's) of needing to be with someone and enjoy time with friends and doing things for you and your kids.

[longtimecomin]

Thanks guys, some really helpful and positive posts there x