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Mums got cancer - I'm so lost

(20 Posts)
CrazyCatLady159 Fri 11-Oct-19 23:58:21

Found out today my mum has cancer

I'm so lost.
They're sending her for tests to find out what cancer / stage etc

It's a 3 week wait ....

I can't stop crying. I'm an adult, with my own child - yet I can't imagine not having my own mum

OP’s posts: |
TARSCOUT Sat 12-Oct-19 00:04:28

You need to be strong for your mum. Of course you're upset but this isn't about you, do your crying in private, get your big girl pants on for your mum!

Milicentbystander72 Sat 12-Oct-19 00:12:18

thanks for you. It's a horrible time.

I know how you are feeling right now. Like it's a kind of nightmare.
This may well not be your mum's future story at all but I lost my beloved Dad over 2 years ago to Bowel Cancer. I couldn't imagine a life without him but somehow here I am. You do find a way to go on.

Having said that, I know plenty of people who have survived all kinds of cancer, even when things looked pretty bleak at times. You don't know what you're dealing with yet. Whatever it is, you will manage to cope with it. Your mum May well be here for a long while yet, but if she isn't you are stronger than you think.

I have all my fingers crossed for you. I understand your fear, but have hope x

1wokeuplikethis Sat 12-Oct-19 00:13:21

So sorry you are going through this, it is effectively a limbo stage which is just the worst because all you can do is worry, google and think about it constantly.

I was 5 weeks pregnant when my wonderful dad broke down and told us all he’d been diagnosed with bowel cancer but we had to wait 3 weeks until we would know what stage it was. It was a complete shock, firstly the diagnosis obviously, but secondly to see my dad cry and be so vulnerable.

I adore my dad, but I had to sort of switch off because I feared the shock and emotion if I fully embraced it might harm the teeny baby growing in me.

It was the toughest three weeks of our lives, there’s no getting around that. You can’t do anything but wait. I’m so sorry you are going through this too. I had to shut it out because I was so early stages pregnant but I literally just did not let myself think about it, and looking back on that time now it is a blur. I don’t know if you can do that. I felt extremely cold; and I don’t know whether to feel proud of myself for protecting my baby (so I felt) or ashamed of myself for not being reduced to a wreck. But falling apart would not have helped anyone. Deal with it whatever way you can, see your mum, go out, talk about other things but just be there.

If it helps, this was 4 years ago and my dad was stage 2. He recovered thankfully, and my baby is now almost 4. Sometimes there is good news darling.

Cattenberg Sat 12-Oct-19 00:16:05

I’m so sorry. I found out the same thing nearly five years ago (Mum’s currently doing well, touch wood).

The shock felt like a physical blow and I couldn’t believe I was still standing. The wait to find out the stage of the cancer was about four weeks for us, and was excruciating.

In some ways, this is the worst part. Once you have a treatment plan, it can somehow seem more manageable.

Having a wise friend to offload to was crucial for me. Wise friend told me not to google. This was good advice and I should have listened. I also tried to take each day at a time and to “try to have a nice day today”. Because today is the only day we have any control over, anyway.

I hope you’re taking care of yourself, and that you get better news soon. x

CrazyCatLady159 Sat 12-Oct-19 00:22:30

So sorry to hear about your dad; it's the not knowing and not being able to speak to anyone IRL as she's sworn me to secrecy for now

@1wokeuplikethis that's exactly what it is - a limbo. I held it together for her and have cried all night since my dd went to bed - obviously haven't said anything around her as she's a child still.
Amazing that your dad is still here star

@Cattenberg that's so good that your mums still here. biscuit
The waiting is shocking - I cannot believe that they were so blasè about the wait times; I understand we're lucky to have the NHS but it feels like ages.
I've already googled blush worst decision I could've made!

I had cancer myself 2 years ago and I had the attitude of "let's go I can do this" but as it's my mum it somehow feels worse? If that's a thing?

OP’s posts: |
Cattenberg Sat 12-Oct-19 00:28:18

I should mention that my mum didn’t want to confide in me, but I know she appreciated the support of the local Macmillan nurses.

Some people in this situation want to be looked after, and some want to keep things as normal as possible. My mum was in the latter group and wanted to carry on looking after us when she felt well enough, even though we were all adults. She would have hated a role reversal, and she politely declined my offer to come with her to her hospital appointments. I just had to take my cue from her.

AuntyElle Sat 12-Oct-19 00:32:42

I’m so sorry, it’s a hard time. flowers

(That was utterly unnecessary TARSCOUT. It actually is also “about” the OP.)

CrazyCatLady159 Sat 12-Oct-19 00:34:03

@Cattenberg that's a good point.
I'm not sure how she wants to be; she asked me to come to the staging appointment (not sure what it's proper name is) but has said she'll go to the test appointments alone. I was with her yesterday when we found out - I asked some questions; wrote down key words - but that came as a shock as we wasn't actually there for anything to do with cancer - can't be too detailed incase she's on here

OP’s posts: |
CrazyCatLady159 Sat 12-Oct-19 00:36:35


When did I say I hadn't done my crying in private or that I hadn't been strong for my mum?!
Sounds to me like you haven't been in this situation before or had the unfortunate situation of having cancer yourself or your mum having it because if you had I would assume you would have some more compassion!

OP’s posts: |
Biggie123 Sat 12-Oct-19 00:37:33

Oh it’s awful. And awful when it’s your mum. Suddenly you are threatened with loosing your anchor, your North Star - that’s what it felt like to me. Plus the waiting is bloody torture.
Like you said, when it’s you you take control and fight but you’re not in control with your mum. My mum got sick five years ago. She seemed weaker than I had thought and it was just awful. She had cancer and her survival chances weren’t great. We went through operations and chemo.
However, tomorrow at 9am she is coming round to my House to take care of my son for me whilst I go out for two
Hours. She survived and seems fit and healthy.

I’m so sorry you are going through it. It’s heartbreaking. But I’m hoping your mum will be fine.. wishing you lots of luck. Keep talking here whenever you need

CrazyCatLady159 Sat 12-Oct-19 00:42:20

@Biggie123 that is exactly it! My mum is all them things ... I can't imagine not calling her to ask her silly things; how to wash something or how to cook something

That's so encouraging to hear your mum came through it and is back to a healthy life biscuit
It came as a massive shock; she's had a major operation which is how they found the cancer in the first place, just as we thought we was out of the woods, we got dealt with this ...

I honestly am sitting here thinking 3 weeks is such a long time - I just can't see how that's acceptable; for anyone with cancer not just my mum obviously

OP’s posts: |
Cattenberg Sat 12-Oct-19 00:48:21

Sorry, cross-posted. You’re a veteran who’s already experienced this from both sides. I’m sorry you’re going through this shit again.

I’ve found that Dr Google approaches medical problems in completely the wrong way. He takes the worst, most shocking outcomes and tries to match them to you.

Dr Google gave my mum a poor, but not hopeless prognosis. Her real doctors seemed more optimistic.

Cattenberg Sat 12-Oct-19 00:58:07

I didn’t expect a four week wait either. I was so naive. I thought they’d start testing/treating my mum the following day! A Macmillan nurse told me that the wait was unlikely to make any difference, but I just wanted them to get on with it. My family considered going private, but were told that in her case, it wouldn’t actually get her treated any sooner.

TARSCOUT Sat 12-Oct-19 01:35:08

Actually I am now just 2 years passed radiotherapy and chemotherapy and have only just moved on from 3 monthly oncology reviews to six months. My mother is 3 years passed breast cancer. You posted about yourself 'I'm so lost, I can't stop crying, I can't imagine not having my mum'. Nowhere did you say how will she cope, how can I help, what can I do. Indeed further on and 'I can't imagine not calling her about silly things'. I am not a keyboard warrior and I shall remove myself from this post and although I did not mean to offend, I standby what I said, blunt as it may have been. I wish your mum all the luck in the world.

Biggie123 Sun 13-Oct-19 00:55:36

3 weeks is not acceptable. For anyone.
It’s torture.
It seems you are like me, your mum is the first person you call when you need advice, want to share something etc.
I’m sorry you are going through this.

Can I ask, what kind of cancer is it they have found? Please don’t answer if you don’t want to. I just did a lot of research so it helps me understand the journey you are on.
I’ll be thinking of you and your mum either way. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

Biggie123 Sun 13-Oct-19 01:06:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Walnutwhipster Sun 13-Oct-19 01:13:33

I was in icu when my sister called my husband to tell him my mum had cancer. They didn't want me to know because I was so poorly. I overheard the call. It hit like a bolt of lightning. When I went into hospital she thought it was a sickness bug. This was in April. All you can do is try to be there for your mum as much as you can.

CrazyCatLady159 Sun 13-Oct-19 07:33:52


We don't actually know what type yet; they found a mass by accident when she was having another operation; they sent it away and it came back as cancer.

So we've got her recovering from one operation, to having found this, and now they've found this means this affects the operation she's just had.
We're now in limbo waiting for all the tests to happen so they can tell us exactly what type & where etc

OP’s posts: |
awarmglow Sun 13-Oct-19 08:08:07

My dad has stage 4 and my mum in law stage 3. It helped us all to just focus on practicalities, next appointment arrangements. My dad had a lung catheter inserted while we waited for the official diagnosis so that kept us pre-occupied.

Good luck x

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