Sorry - TMI Question re: Bum Wiping

(93 Posts)
ICannotBelieveIamTypingThis Thu 18-Jul-19 15:11:02

I cannot believe I am asking this but I feel I have to.

I am not the poo troll, honestly. It's just that after typing these words I really want to bleach the thoughts out of my mind and don't want it associated with my normal handle.

So I was discussing the idea of bidet hoses with DH - apparently the reason the UK gets through way more loo paper than other countries is because bidets aren't that popular. DH expressed extreme distaste for the idea saying that he "wouldn't want to stick a hose up there"

(boak) Obviously not. No one would except weird fetishists.

But on further clarification it turns out that when DH is using a good half a loo roll to clean himself up he is actually wiping around as far inside as he can reach - and he would not believe my assertions that as far as I am aware, most people content themselves with just wiping the external area around the anus. Nor did he think I was reasonable to suggest that wiping the internal piping (where it's the "mucous membrane" of the colon rather than skin) might be risking doing himself some sort of injury.

So now he thinks I am unhygienic and disgusting for being OK with my colon, on the inside of my body, having remains of fecal matter on the passageway walls after a bowel movement. Meanwhile I am shuddering at the thought of where those fingers have been. (yes I know he'll have washed his hands. But I still feel nauseous)

Which of us has fundamentally misunderstood the boundaries of reasonable personal hygiene?

OP’s posts: |
bloodywhitecat Thu 18-Jul-19 15:13:25

I have cleaned many, many bums in my life, my own included, but I have never, ever wiped in the way your husband describes. Ever.

bloodywhitecat Thu 18-Jul-19 15:15:18

In fact, if I ever wiped one of the hundreds of bums I have wiped as a carer, in such a manner I would probably been done for assault.

codenameduchess Thu 18-Jul-19 15:20:30

Doesn't the paper flake or tear when he's rummaging around in there?
What's the cut off with him, he's cleaning as far as he can reach but the feces has passed through a lot more of the intestine/colon than those few inches.... that's aside from the risk of injury (and infection?) constantly messing about up there.

I'm currently teaching DD to wipe, me and dh have had plenty of scrunching vs folding debates but no mention of internal wiping.

Very strange technique.

ThorosOfMyr Thu 18-Jul-19 15:27:20


There's no coming back from this.

InsertFunnyUsername Thu 18-Jul-19 15:29:06

* DH expressed extreme distaste for the idea saying that he "wouldn't want to stick a hose up there*

But his fingers are fair game?! Never heard of the way your DH does it, bit weird tbh.

mrsb345 Thu 18-Jul-19 15:29:21

I second what @bloodywhitecat says!!

Gingernaut Thu 18-Jul-19 15:32:27

Nope. Very strange.

Wipe until it doesn't stain the paper and follow it with moist tissue which then gets put into a nappy sack and binned, or sanitary bin in public loos.

Chocolatepeanuts Thu 18-Jul-19 15:34:37

Wtf. External. External only. Who taught your DH to wipe his bum??!

Sleepthiefsmum18 Thu 18-Jul-19 15:35:25

What a strange man. That is not how to wipe a bum

Chloemol Thu 18-Jul-19 15:43:20

Hmm I just googled it, eye opener or what

Disfordarkchocolate Thu 18-Jul-19 15:53:02

I'd be looking at his parents in a whole new light now?

MRex Thu 18-Jul-19 16:04:25

DH gave me a tutorial on using the bidet hose (attached from the bath so it can use warm water) and I'm unsure that I'll ever wipe from my mind the image of him crouching demonstrating where to point the hose and how hard to press it. That said, he isn't mental and there was no discussion of attempting a finger enema. He even uses soap, which I think is a step too far. Maybe I should hire him out for your DH, water has to be safer than wiping inside himself with tissues.

Arnoldthecat Thu 18-Jul-19 20:00:22

I am a big fan of bidets. I truly think the muslims have it right in this respect though they prefer the shattaf. Washing is much cleaner and eco friendly.

Wombleish Thu 18-Jul-19 20:07:16

Your DH is totally, mind-bendingly bonkers. That is so beyond the realms of normal that the light of our sun doesn't even illuminate it enough to cast a shadow confused

RusholmeRuffian Thu 18-Jul-19 20:10:29

This has made me laugh out loud on a really miserable day. Thanks OP! Your husband is bonkers.

ThatCurlyGirl Thu 18-Jul-19 20:10:32

Like he's greasing a tin before you put the cake mix in?

I'm disturbed by how disturbed I am about this.

Goodnightjude1 Thu 18-Jul-19 20:14:50

Well that’s definitely different!
I’m in the ‘external wiping’ gang.

And I’m staying there!

Sexnotgender Thu 18-Jul-19 20:15:55

Your husband is insane.

That is allconfused

Fatted Thu 18-Jul-19 20:18:08

I really have seen it all now

User478 Thu 18-Jul-19 20:20:34

Does he stand up or sit down though?

Our neighbors (who don't seem to realise that their barely frosted glass doesn't stop us being able to see directly into their bathroom from our kitchen window) all stand up to wipe. (One of them poos naked as well.)

(Also not the poo troll.)

GroggyLegs Thu 18-Jul-19 20:20:38


Horrified. LTB.

I like Turkish toilets, they have a little built in sprinkler tap. I was frightened by a fully automated UK version installed in the ladies loos in a bathroom showroom.

JustHereWithPopcorn Thu 18-Jul-19 20:28:45

Like he's greasing a tin before you put the cake mix in?

Laughed so much at this grin

codenameduchess Thu 18-Jul-19 20:42:35

Does everyone not stand up to wipe?

YesQueen Thu 18-Jul-19 20:44:56

This has led me to google and reddit. Man, people are weird

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in