This is probably going to feed any lurking poo trolls, but it has to be asked...

[NeverUseThisName]

How the hell do I take a stool sample?

[Greenteandchives]

You catch your poo onto some folded toilet paper then dig your little scoop in. Put scoop into the pot with the poo on it and close it. You do not need much! Not pleasant.

[INeedNewShoes]

Easiest way is to do it into a bigger container (make sure it's clean so as not to contaminate) then using a clean implement, transfer some into the ludicrously narrow bottle provided by the GP/nurse.

[Bobbiepin]

Mugs work well, keeps your hands away from the poop. Might be best to use one you aren't fond of though.

[woofsaidtimmy]

Use cling film to make a 'poo hammock' in the toilet bowl.

[NeverUseThisName]

MN comes up trumps: mugs and cling film hammocks. No doubt I will be laughing just as much when I try to use them! And then the next time I use them for their proper purpose

anyone?

[ErmagherdWerfWerfs]

Poo hammock 😂😂😂

[gobbin]

Squat over a towel overlaid with newspaper or thick kitchen roll.
Take sample. Tip remaining poo down toilet.

Whatever you do, don’t do what an old friend of mine experienced. As a doctors’ receptionist, she was once handed a Tesco carrier bag by an old guy. You can guess the rest 😱😂

[PerfectlyDone]

All good advice.

I was once presented (in a professional capacity) with a perfect turd on a gold-rimmed flowery side plate

Were you given a blue-topped specimen bottle?
That contains a little scoop and makes every thing really quite easy.
It's not the worst job in the world.

Poo hammock

[BeachysFlipFlops]

Put the loo seat up, put an old ice cream container in the loo bowl, put the loo seat down and then poo!!! Works for wee too....