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STI testing following discovery of husbands serial Infidelity

(31 Posts)
Fabulousdahlink Sun 18-Jun-17 08:57:02

After the shock departure of STBXH of 22 years with a mutual friend and the discovery that she is the latest in a line of infidelities I knew nothing about, whilst I have been sexually exclusive with him for 25 years I now have realised my sexual health has been compromised by his behaviour.
He is unlikely to have worn a condom as he had a vasectomy and so we used no contraception in our marriage either so I am compromised.
Has any one any experience or advice please. I know that having an sti test on my medical records can affect my ability to get life insurance.
I have no symptoms and I am unlikely to get an honest answer about his sexual activity but know many STI's have no symptoms. His current partner (female) is bisexual and this concerns me because I have been reading that statistically there are lower rates of testing in the LGBTQ community than in the heterosexual community. Cost of private testing is prohibitive. Heartbroken and also terrified at what I might discover or what I might need testing for?

EverythingEverywhere1234 Sun 18-Jun-17 09:01:11

First of all, I'm so sorry this has happened to you 💐 What a bastard.
I've never heard of the sti test/life insurance link before, that doesn't make much sense tbh. It's good practice to get tested once in a while if you're sexually active.
Are you in the UK? You can make an appointment at a local GUM clinic and get across the board testing for free. Couple of weeks for the results and if anything is picked up then they offer treatment and support.

GoldenWondering Sun 18-Jun-17 09:04:22

Go to your local sexual health clinic. Their records are not shared with your GP. You don't even have to give your real name. Sexual health clinics are used to these situations, and deal with them every day. The staff are always lovely. I would strongly recommend going there instead of going to your GP.

I don't think the insurance rules are the same as they used to be, but if you grew up, as I did, knowing that you would have to declare even a negative test, it is hard to shake that idea off.

Fabulousdahlink Sun 18-Jun-17 09:10:02

I have the details of my local service. Just not sure if the 4 they test for is enough, or if I need to go to GP for full screening.
Apparently testing for STI via GP is on your medical records and insurers use. Blood test results to check for cancer, hiv or other medical'markers' about health and lifestyle to approve, decline or load insurance screening for HIV test could indicate a poor lifestyle choice ( inferring fhe need for a HIV test indicates you are choosing to have unprotected sex) meaning a higher premium or cover refused, just as my mums diabetes or my dads history of heart disease can do to the coast of my life and critical illness cover. Wondering if anyone else has been through this?

yikesanotherbooboo Sun 18-Jun-17 09:22:30

Sexual health clinic is anonymous and there is no information sharing ( unless you want it) by law.
Around here you would get a more thorough screening at clinic and it is something they do all the time so for multiple reasons this is a better option.
The rules around insurance and hiv testing etc have changed and you can clarify the exact wording if you still want to go through GP.

ginswinger Sun 18-Jun-17 09:31:08

Be honest with the GUM clinic and tell them what's happened (you don't have to be honest about your name!). You'll probably get a
big hug and a cup of tea. Maybe also a sticker.

EmilyBiscuit Sun 18-Jun-17 09:40:34

Speak to the clinic. The clinics near me screen for everything needed and don't share details with your GP. The staff there will be used to these situations and best place to advise you on what you need and where to get it in your local area.

Teddy6767 Sun 18-Jun-17 09:44:00

You can also get online testing kits (which are quite pricey) but they test for some of the more unusual ones like hepatitis B & C, syphillis and HIV

EverythingEverywhere1234 Sun 18-Jun-17 09:44:13

I agree with Emily you'll need to speak to the actual clinic. I was tested for far more than 4 things when I went.

Fabulousdahlink Sun 18-Jun-17 09:47:17

Thanks. I am going to go.

fempsych Sun 18-Jun-17 09:48:54

Screening at your local GUM will be the most thorough.

Also, completely anonymous, you can even give an alias if you like and no GP details. They contact you by mobile phone if that is it what you give them.

Heratnumber7 Sun 18-Jun-17 09:53:47

Insurance companies don't have access to your medical records! They are confidential.

However your insurance will be invalid if you fail to disclose an existing condition, such as diabetes, when you take out a policy.

ChampagneCommunist Sun 18-Jun-17 10:05:24

Testing doesn't affect insurance premiums - insurers don't know.

Also, it is standard for all pregnant women to be tested for HIV (unless you opt out), so millions of us have been tested for that

Onthehighseas Sun 18-Jun-17 10:13:08

Some flowers for you, what a tough time you're having.

Insurers no longer ask you about HIV testing, other than to ask whether you are HIV positive or are awaiting results. So it wont be a problem from that point of view.

As others have said, going to a Sexual Health clinic will be completely anonymous, your GP wont be told. If you dont have any symptoms, then they will usually offer you the 4 tests. If there is a reason to do so (eg a particular concern), many Sexual Health clinics will do all the other tests (ours certainly do), and it wont cost anything or involve a GP. Some areas also offer free HIV testing by post, but that may only be for high risk clients.

You'll receive kind non-judgmental care smile

Fabulousdahlink Sun 18-Jun-17 21:19:44

thanks, it isn't that I dont want to disclose the testing ( I think it is really important I do the tests) but to have the Insurance premium hiked as I am a 'High risk@ due to my presumed risky sexual behaviour' is just about more than I can take. I couldnt be , I thought lower risk...I've been faithful to one partner for over 24 years. Shame he chose to repeatedly put me at risk without my consent. THAT pisses me right off.
I am reassured now that GUM IS confidential and they will run a full panel of tests if I am concerned, and this will not be on my medical records.
TBH, this is one indignity to far.

Fabulousdahlink Sun 18-Jun-17 21:24:57

Yep, at 47 the thought of going to 'The Clap Clinic' rings terror in my mind. I know they will be kind, and non judgemental- and that it will be OK. It's a small city. Half the world know he left me and how. Iam not keen to be seen at the clinic- but have no dignity left now and will just have to tell people that I know if I see them there why I am there.

Trying to be strong is hard when the departure, COW behaviour, divorce drama all roll on and now truely is the gift that keeps giving..... roll on 6 months time when all this can be forgotten and happier times are ahead.

Fabulousdahlink Sun 18-Jun-17 21:27:33

thankyou. I'd rather have all the tests possible. Lord only knows how many there are, and how many were just casual hook ups, I truely have no idea. I know of two long relationships whilst he was married to me( sadly he still is)- but there were many many many opportunities now on reflection- and clearly he had the inclination.

DPotter Sun 18-Jun-17 21:34:00

You wouldn't be the first person to visit a GUM clinic in a different town from where you live........
Worked in London and regularly had people from Brighton back in the 1970s

PitilessYank Sun 18-Jun-17 21:37:34

Dahlink, I just wanted to pop in to say that you probably should ask about Hepatitis B (if you have not had the vaccine) and Hepatitis C testing (blood tests) as well. Our local public health clinic does not routinely do these, but I am in the US. Your GP can easily order them, I would think.

PitilessYank Sun 18-Jun-17 21:39:05

Oh, also, I am very sorry that you are having to deal with

gamerchick Sun 18-Jun-17 21:52:37

I know that having an sti test on my medical records can affect my ability to get life insurance

I really don't understand this. I've had a few screens in my time and one sti. Hiv is tested routinely during pregnancy. I didn't find that out until they game me the result at my anti natal. I haven't had any bother with life insurance. confused

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Go to a clinic for a full screen, I hope the results are what you want flowers

Fabulousdahlink Sun 18-Jun-17 22:39:40

It's tempting, but not possible- can't access GUM in other places due to working hours. I'm just now hot, tired fed up of being " strong and courageous". It's a crap situation to be in, and I am sick of all the stuff I have had to do, for a situation I didn't know existed and I didn't ask for in the first place.I am sick of being nice and reasonable and kind. Sick of negotiations, sick of paperwork and sick of the whole bloody situation. Sick of the time and money I need to spend, that I dont have, to deal with two human beings that made a decision that impacted on me and my children I had no say in.

Vented now, now off to bed. Thanks to you all for your reassurance. Tommorrow is another day !

Onthehighseas Mon 19-Jun-17 12:25:52

If it's a teeny help, there will be sexual health clinics in the evenings, so if you want to go elsewhere you could go to another town out of working hours.

PollyPerky Mon 19-Jun-17 21:35:28

Just to clarify. Private medical insurance companies can access your medical records if it's about a claim or potential claim. They can also ask about HIV screening. One of my relatives was offered an HIV test by a consultant for a condition that can be a symptom of HIV, even though they had no risk factors for HIV. Their medical insurance co did cover the test and consultation but they did ask the question 'Could you have an sti?' before they agreed to cover the tests.

Onthehighseas Wed 21-Jun-17 00:01:06

Here you go OP, this should put your mind at rest:

Since publication of the ABI Statement of Best Practice on Underwriting Life Insurance for HIV in July 1994, insurers have not asked whether an applicant had undergone counselling about HIV, or had taken an HIV test. Instead, insurers ask whether the applicant had tested positive for HIV, or was awaiting the results of an HIV test.

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