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Domestically violent relationships : after leaving

(7 Posts)
on123 Fri 27-Jan-17 19:04:59

Hello all,

I previously posted about a very emotionally and physically abuse relationship I was in since I was 14 (5 years). Towards the end of the relationship the violence was becoming more and more dangerous, I.e broken bones but I only found the strength to leave on the night he tried to kill me. My neighbour called the police and he was arrested. I was offered immediate support from the police, friends and family whom had no idea how bad things were - with this support I was finally able to find the strength to leave the relationship.

He was charged with ABH by battery and Criminal Damage. Unfortunately, due to a few different circumstances the trial is still ongoing and I am currently awaiting a trial date 6 months on from the incident. He is on bail with conditions against contacting me or our daughter which is reassuring in some respects for the time being.

However, the main reason I'm here is because although I'm living a normal and stable life now, full time dream career, social life and a happy home I am still finding some things increasingly difficult to deal with, and I'd be grateful for some advise if anyone's suffered the same.

I sometimes find myself incredibly fearful. I can't sit in a car unless it's locked, be outside on my own for too long, nip out to the car or to put my bins out after dark or even go into my local town anymore in the fear that he's waiting somewhere.

My daughter gets very stressed and begs for her daddy some days and I find this hard to deal with - he has made no effort for contact (I had a prohibited steps order put in place anyway). How do I explain why he isn't here anymore to her?

Most importantly, another area I am struggling with is a new relationship. I have met a man who is so kind, caring and fun with me and my daughter. He has so much respect for me and my daughter and has never done anything to make me feel concerned.

However, I'm finding it so hard to not shut him out. I constantly worry about things he might do, or ways he might make me feel. I know I have this wall up and there's no way I'm finding to effectively remove it. I find myself thinking I'd be better off alone because that's the only way I can ensure I'm not physically or emotionally hurt again.

Yes I have spoken to him in some depth about my past but I am hesitant and it actually makes my anxiety worse after doing this, I worry I will have scared him of or even perhaps he will think I'm weak and vulnerable and il end up in a similar place again.

Strangely enough, some days I miss my abuser. Not the abuse, but I did love him so dearly and I find myself hoping he is ok and wondering if there's anyway I could have helped his behaviour more. I would never, ever act on this of course, if I think about actually seeing him I cant think of anything more terrifying.

I spoke with a doctor who put me on anxiety and anti depressants but I didn't notice much difference and my friends and family noted that I just didn't seem like myself anymore when on them, almost dull and dazed out of life.

I really feel I would benefit from a few counceling sessions, talking helps me a lot but I work full time, study a degree and have a 2 year old so I really don't have anywhere to fit that in.

Any advise, or experiences would be wonderful to hear.

Thank you for listening to me rant.


PlugUgly Fri 27-Jan-17 19:09:41

Well done for rebuilding your life. I think it is natural to miss a relationship sometimes even if that person was so horribly abusive, don't feel bad about it. You would really benefit from counselling , some do work in the evening, it could help with the ongoing issues that are stopping you from being completely happy.

RosaRosaRose Fri 27-Jan-17 19:25:20

Oh goodness how to reply. There are so many issues here. I can only tell you that you will see things more clearly with time and distance. Going into a new relationship before you have had time to really understand your last one is a difficult step. I would say that you should take things very slowly with this. You are still in a vulnerable state. If you haven't read the two most (on here) recommended books The freedom program and Why does he do that, then do. Don't rush. You are fine on your own. Two years down the line, I understand so much better but healing takes time.

RosaRosaRose Fri 27-Jan-17 19:46:12

When I first escaped, I couldn't walk on the inside of a pavement if a man was near, I couldn't take my shopping to a male cashier in a supermarket, so fearful of any male near me. I still don't use my front door, only the back because the front is exposed. I started in my Refuge to write a journal. Talked out loud to myself on walks to try to understand how I had arrived where I was. Did the freedom Program. So as I said, two years later I understand a bit better. Have a job I love, colleagues who rate me highly. Promotion on the way. I don't know how to say this to you without you thinking your new partner is like this. He probably isn't. But it is recognised that some of us seek a stronger partner to protect us from the former and the pattern repeats. It did for me. I do hope, really do hope, because you seem to be strong, that it doesn't work that way for you. flowers

on123 Fri 27-Jan-17 23:14:43

Thank you so much for your responses, I think time and distance is what it's going to take too -thinking about it if I look back at the person I was 6 months ago and the person I've become now it's much better, so hopefully in 6 months time again il be in an even better place.

I am interested in reading those books, which one would everyone recommend the most?

Thank you for the support and kind words, it really means a lot.

Thanks again, X

RosaRosaRose Sat 28-Jan-17 09:07:33

I think if you asked for this to be moved to 'relarionships' you would get much more response and a lot of really wise advice. People have all kinds of coping mechanisms and there is lots of comfort there. Sometimes they have some justified harsh words to say about abusers, which can be hard to take on the days when you still feel affection for him. You'll be amazed how many of us have where you are! I would really recommend you ask Mumsnet HQ for this thread to be moved there. Give it a go . flowers

on123 Fri 14-Apr-17 18:24:11

Just an update for all of you that offered me the support and kind messages.

Court finally went ahead last week and he was found guilty of all offences against me.

Thanks again for you help x

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