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Can't tell if I'm depressed or if life is just hard

(20 Posts)
Lowerthanithought Thu 25-Aug-16 18:22:58

Hi, I've name changed for this as I'm normally more resilient but lately I've started to crumble. This is long and probably boring, sorry.

Life is hard. We struggle financially at the moment. I took extended maternity leave but then my husband was promised a pay rise so we thought we would be ok. The payrise never materialised, it's always 'coming'. It's been quite long and stressful time financialy but i'm going back to work next week and it should help a bit.

My DH works away, he's home at the weekends at the moment, but for parts of the year he can be gone for a month or 2 at a time.
We have 3 DC -6,2 and 10 months. My mum lives locally and helps me with things like cooking and laundry which is amazing but feels too old to help with the kids. They are pretty full on so I don't blame her.
I have all the kids all the time now, until I start work. I am exhausted and overwhelmed. I desperately need even just half an hour without them.

When DH comes home at the weekend he can't do anything with them alone. If I ask, he creates a fuss, shouting and talking crap so we end up miserably going along together.
If I ask him to do anything, he won't, but he'll talk and talk about how he does everything. In all fairness he is happy to cook and clean but again has never taken the kids to the park alone. In fact he hides behind cooking, cleaning and doing jobs.
I am terrified how I am going to cope back at work.

Now to what's put me over the edge - I had some horrible symptoms and had to see my gynaecologist today. They found lumps in the ultrasound. Probably fibroid. I will have a surgery scheduled. I am exhausted already and now I have to deal with this and go back to work at the same time. All while keeping up the kids stuff that already has me wiped out.

I told DH on the phone, but hes let me down badly during previous health scares (wouldn't come with me to a biopsy, wouldn't even get me a drink after surgery due to miscarriage, has watched me faint and refused to help me up). He's currently saying all the right things, but I know when it comes down to it he will be shit so I'd prefer him not to be there and just deal with it somehow. At least there won't be any drama.

I am so low. I can't tell if it's depression or life is just a bit hard right now. I just want to lay down and be quiet.

Thanks for reading this and sorry if it's too self indulgent. I will accept being told to pick myself up and carry on.

DoItTooJulia Thu 25-Aug-16 18:25:26

Hey, that does sound really hard. But I think you should absolutely repost this in relationships.

Because I think you'd feel much better without your husband bringing you down. He sounds horrible sad

I'm sorry.

user1471453601 Thu 25-Aug-16 18:29:33

Bloody hell! I have no advice, having never been in that situation, but didn't want to just read and run.

Good luck

Lowerthanithought Thu 25-Aug-16 18:30:48

Thanks DoItToo but they will all say LTB which I know I should but I have absolutely no energy to do.

Disappointednomore Thu 25-Aug-16 18:33:02

What kind of job will you be doing? You might find it a welcome break from childcare. Increasing your earnings will also put you in a better position for if you do decide to go it alone.

Disappointednomore Thu 25-Aug-16 18:33:29

What kind of job will you be doing? You might find it a welcome break from childcare. Increasing your earnings will also put you in a better position for if you do decide to go it alone.

starsandstripes2016 Thu 25-Aug-16 18:39:41

Fucking hell. What an overwhelming situation. Right royally pissed of would be an apt description. Does the idea of work offer some respite? If you're going back to work next week, are you a teacher.

I know 'pissed off' Can't get cursor on right place

DelphiniumBlue Thu 25-Aug-16 18:40:05

That does sound hard. But I think we'd all be bloody miserable with a DH like that.
Rather than asking him, tell him you're going out and just go.
As far as the surgery is concerned, your Mum will probably help keep the house running, and tell DH he will have to look after the DC. Can you recuperate for a few days somewhere else, maybe at your Mum's? You might need to spell it out to DH that you won't be able to look after the DC by yourself immediately after surgery, so he'd better make some arrangements.

Lowerthanithought Thu 25-Aug-16 18:40:42

Disappointed I teach secondary art.its a good school so no discipline problems and enthusiastic students.

Davinaaddict Thu 25-Aug-16 18:45:08

I understand it will seem to be something that you can't do at the moment, but in my humble opinion it sounds like the root cause of a lot of your feelings are from your lack of support in your relationship.

It sounds like you're going through a really tough time at the moment. It may or may not be depression - only your GP will be able to confirm that for you. It is important to look after yourself - eating well and taking any time to yourself that you can, and I appreciate that that is really difficult for you at the moment. Can you leave the kids at home with DH and go out yourself to get a coffee or even to the library sometimes? DH needs to be able to take care of her children on his own sometimes - they are his children too!

I would recommend that you repost in Relationships as if you state that you don't want to LTB, there will be people to at least support you in the meantime.

Good luck flowers

Lowerthanithought Thu 25-Aug-16 18:45:36

delphinium I actually don't even want him near me. I'm trying to think of ways to let him stay at work. The minute he's here it becomes infinitely more stressful. I can deal with the facts. I can't deal with a man who talks a lot but doesn't deliver.
I didn't ask enough questions about the surgery. I'm presuming I'll be home that night.

Lowerthanithought Thu 25-Aug-16 18:46:50

I don't think I asked any questions about the surgery. I was pretty stunned

wonderwoo Thu 25-Aug-16 18:46:54

Oh blimey. I have no idea about depression, but I would feel low if I had to deal with all that. Your life is very full-on and it must be soul destroying to not be able to trust that your husband has your back and picks up the slack when you need it.

I would make arrangements to go out at the weekend- even if only for an hour. Dont tell him in advance, just say I am off and will be back later. That way he has no choice. You need some time to yourself- go for a walk/get a coffee/see a friend.

I second that idea that going back to work may actually help you... give you a change from being at home with the kids and hopefully some more money.

Oh, and when you feel up to it, leave him. He is an arse. Sorry.

Chimchar Thu 25-Aug-16 18:50:03

I have no advice, I just felt that you needed a bloody big hug. Here...(((((())))))

I hope things work out for you and you get the rest that you so obviously need. X winebrewcakechocolateflowers

mannose Thu 25-Aug-16 18:50:06

You can self refer yourself to homestart maybe to get some support.

bakeoffcake Thu 25-Aug-16 18:52:03

He sounds so unsupportive, no wonder you are feeling stressed. I can't believe someone wouldn't even talk about your surgery never mind do everything in his power to help.

You said you prefer life when he isn't there, I think you need to tell him exactly that and if I were you I'd want him to just leave. Your life would be so much better.

Lowerthanithought Thu 25-Aug-16 18:52:20

Thanks so much everyone. I've actually got all 3 kids to sleep so I've got to sleep now so I probably won't check this until the middle of the night when the youngest wakes up. If anyone can advise me with regards to depression or recovery from such a surgery I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you all so much and sorry for being such a drip.

Lowerthanithought Thu 25-Aug-16 18:54:04

Bakeoffcake he knows. He is great at telling me how he's going to make things better.
This is ream though so I need a plan that doesn't involve him.

HamSandwichKiller Thu 25-Aug-16 19:03:34

I would tell your medical team that you have no help at home, they might let you stay the night (though I'd hardly expect it to be restful). The reality is 3 kids and a brilliant partner is still hard work so no wonder you're exhausted. Going back to work sounds like a good idea, when money is little better maybe consider your relationship problems. Get rock solid contraception and get planning your future

wonderwoo Thu 25-Aug-16 20:07:05

I have had a number of gynae surgeries in the past, but recovery really does depend on what they are going to do. I imagine they will do it by laporoscopy? In which case recovery is much faster. You will need to be able to rest afterwards though and may have to restrict how much lifting you do. If you havent had a chance to ask questions, do you have another appointment with the gynae doctor where you will get a chance to do so? If not maybe you could visit your gp and ask about the operation and what the recovery will be like.

Do you have any friends who can help out? I appreciate that your mum doesn't feel she can manage all the children, but maybe she could look after one or two whilst a friend does the other? Both after the op and generally. Your husband is just going to have to step up if you have to stay in hospital, and afterwards too. A general anaesthetic takes a while to get over and you need to rest.

I second the idea of contacting home start. They provide a volunteer who comes for a few hours once a week to help out. It's not a huge amount, but may at least give you a little respite for a while.

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