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DP snoring is ruining my life

(30 Posts)
bootytoots Mon 27-Jun-16 14:24:19

I love him so much but I don't get any sleep anymore. I'm constantly missing taking my DS to nursery in the morning because I sleep in and DS doesn't wake up until I wake him up or, even worse, he will wake up and go into the front room to watch TV and I will have no idea of what he is doing.
It's so loud and it happens even if he changes sleeping position. He makes a weird clicking noise and I can hear his lips flapping as he snores. It can and usually does keep me up until about 4/5am and thats normally an hour before he wakes up and makes the most horrific clattering whilst getting ready for work. He talks loudly and aims it at me and DS as though we are lazy for not being awake at the same time as him in the morning. He denies that being the reason but it really feels like he expects everyone to be the same as him even though I'm sure DS is only sleeping in most of the time because his snoring keeps DS awake too.
I've asked him to go to the doctor and the doctor sent him away with some pills for weight loss... didn't work and DP can't get time off work to go to the doctors at the moment.
If I don't get help soon, I will snap. I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm genuinely considering LTB just because he snores sad please can anyone help?

parmalilac Mon 27-Jun-16 14:28:33

Sounds awful - are separate bedrooms out of the question?

bootytoots Mon 27-Jun-16 14:29:22

And i realise it sounds like I'm being overly dramatic but I haven't had a decent nights sleep in so long. DP also gets funny with me when I don't wake up early on the weekends and, up until now, I have felt guilty telling him why I'm sleeping in so often. I really can't keep doing this and losing out on so much sleep.

bootytoots Mon 27-Jun-16 14:31:15

Parma we lie in a two bed flat. DS has his bedroom, we have another. It's all on the same floor and fairly close proximity. DS has the furthest room from our bedroom. I've tried sleeping in there and I can still hear it. I've tried the front room too. It's that loud.I've filmed his snoring to show him and he has no reaction because he just doesn't know what to do.

twilightcafe Mon 27-Jun-16 14:33:06

YANBU - and you have my sympathies.

Londonmamabychance Mon 27-Jun-16 14:33:25

Have you tried wax earplugs? can get them in Boots. They're a god send. My DH snores too and couldn't live without them. Also, I helps to put your head the other end of the bed, so sleeping feet/head. Does he drink at all? when my DH has just one glass of wine, he snores much worse than when he's completely sober. Finally, he could have an obstruction in his nasal passages, which can be fixed with a routine nasal operation, my father had one and it helped.

bobthebuddha Mon 27-Jun-16 14:33:52

Get him down to the GP to sort a referral to a sleep clinic asap. There are solutions to this and this constant sleep deprivation is bad for your physical health and mental well-being. Hope you get some results OP

Babymouse Mon 27-Jun-16 14:34:35

Snoring is the worst. He needs to get a referral to a sleep clinic to rule out sleep aponea. If it is sleep aponea there are treatments available and will make a difference to both of you. Otherwise, separate bedrooms are advisable if he won't prioritise managing his snoring. Good luck!

twilightcafe Mon 27-Jun-16 14:34:40

Problem is that the snoring won't stop unless he loses weight. DH's snoring improved once he lost a few pounds.

Does your partner smoke and drink a lot of alcohol?

Obliviated Mon 27-Jun-16 14:36:17

DP snores really badly. It's awful, I end up almost hating him for it, it's irrational but in my sleep deprived mind it's all his fault because he's very overweight which makes it worse and then when he's eating crap I'm all annoyed on the inside because it's not helping his weight, which is making the snoring worse. Hard to be rational about it when he's fast asleep snoring his head off whilst the rest of the house suffers. Even the neighbours!

He sleeps on the sofa every night now, it's the only way the DC and I get any rest. We can still hear him from downstairs but it's not as bad. The doctor said he needs to lose weight which isn't going to happen over night.

It makes me so angry, I hate it when he falls asleep whilst watching TV and he starts making strange noises and I know the snoring is about to start. He's always dozing off.

I feel your pain. It's a really shit situation to be stuck in.

MoreGilmoreGirls Mon 27-Jun-16 14:37:05

Oh you poor love, I can sympathise my DH is a snorer though does not sound as bad as yours and rolling him over does often shut him up. Have you tried stuff available from the chemist? Nasal strips etc? Get yourself some heavy duty earplugs as well. You really need to sit him down and talk to him, be calm but try and make him understand the impact this is having on you... Is he overweight as that won't help? Try and get him to go to the docs again. You can't carry on like this. flowers

gamerchick Mon 27-Jun-16 14:37:36

I feel your pains, it's taken years to get mine to the sleep clinic. I have my own bedroom.

It will help if you're not lying with him. Can you sleep in the bairns room with ear plugs? Tell him you're not sharing a bed with him again and if he doesn't get it sorted out then you fear for the future of your relationship.

some couples have seperate houses but stay together.

OurBlanche Mon 27-Jun-16 14:48:58

YABU... VVU.

It isn't his snoring that is driving you up the wall. It is your reaction to it and the fact that you can't control it. I know that sounds wrong, but many people live with snorers who don't have that reaction. I'm not one of them by the way, but my aunt is and she really helped me rethink my reaction... you know, that anticipation of the first / next rumble, squeak, flappy noise? That is almost as bad as the reality and extends the anxiety and hate by hours... smile

Believe me, everything you say yours does, mine does. As well as the horrendous racket, aggressive sleep speaking I also dare not wake mine up as he wakes with a defensive leap, fists and feet flailing. That and he sleeps like a sweaty starfish, head covered, feet sticking out of the covers. He has had his palate trimmed, lost weight, stopped smoking and is no longer apneoic.

We have been together for 31 years and haven't shared a bed since before we were married, 27 years ago.

Once I found the right kind of ear plug it got a bit better. When we found the right kind of separate rooms in a very solidly built house to rent I felt a lot better. When we bought or own house with separate enough rooms it was really good.

The only thing you need to change is your feeling that you need to shield him from the effect his snoring has on you. Tell him. Repeatedly. Explain why you sleep in, specifically. Ask him to suggest fixes: GP, surgery, CPAP, new home, etc etc. Then insist it is his responsibility to see it through so that you can sleep again.

Good luck xx

parmalilac Mon 27-Jun-16 14:56:11

Yes, he needs to get some help then, sounds like losing weight would be a good place to start. Hope you can convince him just how important this is to you. Good luck!

bootytoots Mon 27-Jun-16 14:56:15

Obliviated I really feel your pain and thank you everyone for your replies.

I would love to sleep at the other end of the bed but the noise is so loud I can't sleep there and also his feet absolutely honk.
I think it's definitely down to his weight (and he agrees) but his dad has sleep apnoea and I admit I have sometimes had to give him a short, sharp tap when he suddenly stops snoring and I can hear him struggling to breathe... I sent him to the doctor at christmas time (the one just gone) as he ended up in hospital with severe chest pains. I was terrified it was a heart attack and mentioned the problems he had when sleeping. The hospital told him to go to the GP and ask for sleep clinic but GP did his usual "I know everything and you aren't ill" and sent him home with the pills which I think are completely innapropriate. DP has lost a lot of weight before but since being with me has packed on the pounds again. DP's dad has often made comments about how it's my fault because I eat crap in front of him and he can't keep the weight off as easy as I can but the difference between DP and I is he has grown up eating everything put in front of him and then some... I have MH issues and part of that is an eating disorder. I'm 9st and I cry about it on a day to day basis because I wasn't even this heavy when pregnant.
I get worried about bringing up his weight too often because if he did the same to me it would destroy me. I think I'm probably over thinking it but I would feel terrible if he didn't feel loved because I kept telling him to lose weight.
I have tried a lot of different ear plugs, a friend gave me industrial ones they use in the steel industry that he works in... didn't work! I think it's hard too because the moment I'm not cuddled up with him in bed I can't get comfy and I can't sleep then either. I have tried sleeping pills myself. The ones that they use for allergies too really don't seem to work at all.
I do think you are all right in that he needs the sleep clinic. It's just persuading his boss to let him have time off work.
Thank you again for all your replies. It's definitely nice to have some sympathy. I've felt like such an arse for being grumpy/mean to him over something he can't control but seriously if I can't sleep then I'm going to just collapse one day.

vikingorigins Mon 27-Jun-16 15:00:47

I finally got my DH to the Sleep Clinic after 30 years of being driven demented by his snoring.

They dx sleep apnoea I'd been saying so for years and gave him a CPAP machine. Nights are silent and he no longer falls asleep every time he sits down.

bootytoots Mon 27-Jun-16 15:01:15

Also we both quit smoking a few years ago now and we rarely drink. He has a CPAP machine that his dad gave him but because it isn't his own one it hasn't been programmed for him and he still snores with it on. Also the noise from the CPAP is a nightmare too but I prefer it to snoring simply because I know if he stops breathing there is something there to get him started again.
I think our next step is to just go to a different doctor and not leave until they help us. Also, I think I need to be more pushy about losing weight. I've offered to do it with him but he comes up with some excuse or another and I can't listen to it any more. I feel bad but jesus if he carries on I will snap.

bootytoots Mon 27-Jun-16 15:05:06

viking DP can fall asleep faster than he can lie down in the bed... It can really ruin an evening when we have a netflix night planned or anything else for that matter... It really sounds like he must have sleep apnoea. I have to get him to the doctor then. His boss surely must understand the importance of this?

unadulterateddad Mon 27-Jun-16 15:18:59

If he does has sleep apoenea then he really, really has to get it treated and get a properly fitted CPAP and mask.
I've had SA since I was a child (not weight related) and only when I got my machine did I realise what a nights sleep was like. It's a well proven fact that sufferers of SA struggle to lose any weight without treatment due to the effect of tireness promoting eating.
If he doesn't get treatment, then it is highly likely that he will die from it - High bloodpressure, stroke, heart attacks and car accidents are all significantly higher risks. SA has also been linked to blindness and Dementia.

unadulterateddad Mon 27-Jun-16 15:20:34

I know that may sound dramatic, but the medical studies that the oxford centre and other hospitals have been doing in recent years have had some incredible links to early death.

unadulterateddad Mon 27-Jun-16 15:21:36

* oxford centre is the John Radcliffe Hospital in Oxford

Footle Mon 27-Jun-16 17:56:48

Does he drive ? Apnoea will not make him drive more safely ..

Believeitornot Mon 27-Jun-16 18:01:02

Sorry but bollocks to the "it's your reaction to it" comment.

If someone disturbs your sleep you cannot control it!?!

You need to tell him what effect it has. And record it for him. You can get snoring apps for phones which record it.

It took years for dh to take me seriously and get to a sleep clinic to sort his snoring. However they didn't diagnose sleep apnoe and he still ruins my sleep. I'm not sure dh was entirely truthful and didn't wear the monitor properly bastard

OurBlanche Mon 27-Jun-16 18:02:49

CBT would disagree... but there you go. Only partially read/digest a post and you will misunderstand what it was actually saying!

AYD2MITalkTalk Mon 27-Jun-16 18:05:11

It's not any kind of anticipation or reaction on my part that's ruining my sleep, OurBlanche - alongside the regular snoring, which I can eventually drift off during, there are the sudden unexpected incredibly loud snores and snorts that jolt me awake just as I'm dropping off. Every time, they make me wake right up and my heart races, just as a natural automatic reaction I can't control.

It's not as easy as separate beds - I (like lots people, I suspect) have no room in my house for another bed and no money for a bigger house.

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