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Unsolicited advice. Don't know how to deal with it

(2 Posts)
Pebbles16 Sun 19-Jun-16 21:08:05

Not sure this is the right place to post but it's Heath related so may be it's here.
Have been diagnosed with a life limiting (but not immediately fatal) illness (hopefully years and/or months rather than weeks). Don't need flowers.
Actually feeling quite lucky we have the opportunity to plan etc. We took a few people into our confidence (mainly so DP can get his troops together). Went out today and the jungle drums have obviously been drumming. Was "treated" to three reactions: you look really well (are you sure you are ill?); tears; and (this is the one i find hardest): you should do this, try X, y, z. I know people are trying to be kind and have they're own grief about the situation but do you honestly think I haven't considered X, y, and z? And they are just not what i want to do?
Ended up shouting at a dear friend that she really didn't understand my position and now I know she's hurt but I promised myself this is my problem not other people's
I know I being what some people call detached but it's my problem and I don't need your solutions.
I realise I am unusual. I don't want to push friends away but I need them to engage with me on my terms (at least face to face).

goddessofsmallthings Sun 19-Jun-16 23:27:04

I promised myself this is my problem not other people's

Regardless of whatever problem is assailing you, unless you keep it to yourself the chances are that others, especially those who have a care for your wellbeing, will offer advice in the hope that it may be of help/comfort to you.

I know people are trying to be kind and have they're own grief about the situation but do you honestly think I haven't considered X, y, and z? And they are just not what i want to do

It seems to me that the people you're referring to aren't just trying to be kind, they're also trying to be helpful and you can't reasonably expect them to know what you've considered and whether you've determined that x y or z is "just not what" you want to do.

If you don't want to alienate people or develop a reputation for being prickly/overly sensitive or similar about your illness, I suggest you either engage with those who suggest strategies/treatments you've rejected and explain why they're not suitable for you or simply smile sweetly, thank them for their thoughtfulness, and say you'll look into it sometime before changing the subject.

With regard to the "dear friend" who you've shouted out, I suggest you take time to explain your position so that she can fully understand where you're coming from in order to offer support without causing irritation.

That said, as you've only recently revealed your illness to others, it's probable that interest will dwindle to a point where you may find it necessary to remind people that you're not as fit as you once were and may find yourself wishing that others would take more interest in your condition.

As you don't want flowers, here's a wine with my hope that your illness progresses at considerably less than a snail's pace and that you have many years of good living ahead.

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