Advanced search

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention; if you think your problem could be acute, do so immediately. Even qualified doctors can't diagnose over the internet, so do bear that in mind when seeking or giving advice.

Postnatal issues I wasn't warned about

(54 Posts)
susang84 Mon 13-Jul-15 11:45:03

Ok, so I know about the 4 month postnatal hair loss, the baby blues, the cramps as my body settled, the lack of sleep and the teeth clenching agony first few weeks of breastfeeding BUT nobody warned me about how my husband would be affected. Yes, I knew he would be tired and yes, he's have his fair share of elbow deep poo nappies however at times he also suffers badly from LAZYITIS!
It's like he's got the thought in his head "well I'm working all day and she's off now so she can do all the housework"
Oh he'll help out not and again and he has done a lot in the garden but why is it I can have my house tidy all day, but by the next morning it's a tip again and I'm starting my same routine. Even starting with putting his breakfast dishes in the empty dishwasher!
I love my husband but I really need to find out if there's a cure for this haha

princessvikki Mon 13-Jul-15 13:59:19

If you find the cure please share! My dd is almost 19 months and I'm still having that battle. He seems to literally follow me around undoing the tidying I've just done. It's soooo frustrating. And I've got another baby due in 5 weeks, I must be mad smile

TropicalHorse Mon 13-Jul-15 14:26:45

This dialogue worries me. Joking and breezily smily-facing away this sexist, mysoginistic inequality is not okay. The behaviour of these men is not okay. You have probably been social used to tut and sigh and put up with this, but I'm telling you clearly that you should not put up with this. Please don't show your sons and daughters (by putting up with this) that it is normal, or we'll have ANOTHER generation idolising the crappy gender roles and power dynamics of 1950. It's not a joke. hmm

TropicalHorse Mon 13-Jul-15 14:27:23

Socialised! Sorry...

bittapitta Mon 13-Jul-15 14:30:44

I agree with Tropical, wth is this thread about? My DH was not "afflicted" - he is an amazing man and father who appreciated the hard work I was putting it feeding and caring for our baby (never mind physically recovering myself) and how this enabled him to go out to work freely while I was on mat leave. He came home after work and took over baby duties and housework while I rested. LTB if he is just being another child.

susang84 Mon 13-Jul-15 14:38:34

OMG! It was a joking rant I was having after yet again having to make all the beds. He's a great husband who does a lot but sometimes I feel left to do all the housework. He supports me emotionally and helps with the kids, just not into cleaning the bathrooms.

bittapitta Mon 13-Jul-15 14:41:18

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Saltedcaramel2014 Mon 13-Jul-15 14:42:18

Is anyone into cleaning the bathrooms? I'd love to support my husband emotionally and do no housework. I know this is a lighthearted post but agree it's a serious matter, societally...

TropicalHorse Mon 13-Jul-15 14:56:15

Susan, part of the reason I felt compelled to post was how common these "lighthearted rants" are for sensible, educated, otherwise equality-minded women of my acquaintance. I was pointing out the terrible seriousness of the very fact that you DON'T think it's a major problem that you're being treated with such disrespect. "Wifework" is a book often recommended on here which deals with this phenomenon. I found it a bit obvious and repetitive but it certainly spells out the pervasiveness of these stereotypes.
I hope your situation improves, congratulations on your new baby.

princessvikki Mon 13-Jul-15 15:46:47

Wow susang84 that escalated quickly. I was joking personally I dint see the problem with 1950's style roles , however frustrated I get sometimes. What's the problem with wife/ mum staying at home to take on the domestic role while the husband works , I wouldn't expect my dh to come home and do chores when I'm at home all day. He has the odd job and he is a brilliant dad to our dd what more do you want.

bittapitta Mon 13-Jul-15 15:49:40

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

princessvikki Mon 13-Jul-15 15:51:12

Exactly what I I ment to do all day if he's at work and then comes in and does all the chores.... That doesn't sound like equality to me

BrowersBlues Mon 13-Jul-15 15:54:38

Holy fuck, what century is this?

bittapitta Mon 13-Jul-15 15:56:27

Good trolling princess. Have you ever actually looked after a baby? I'm bowing out of this thread now, it's ridiculous.

Athenaviolet Mon 13-Jul-15 15:59:10

How come mothers are never described as helping with the kids?

I agree with tropical. This isn't a joke.

It is your responsibility as a good parent, OP to ensure that the next generation don't grow up thinking this behaviour is acceptable.

princessvikki Mon 13-Jul-15 16:00:07

Yes thanks I was a nursery nurse before I had my own children so I dare say Ive looked after a lot more than most people who are commenting. Here's me thinking feminism was pro choice. It was my choice to give up work to raise my family. It might not be for everyone, but isn't that the point of choice

TheUnwillingNarcheska Mon 13-Jul-15 16:03:13

It is the use of the phrase "help out" that translates to it is your job as the female in this family and the male will help out with her jobs.

That is the material point.

TheUnwillingNarcheska Mon 13-Jul-15 16:04:47

The problem then comes when the Mother returns to work and all of sudden there is no-one there in the day to do the laundry or empty the dishwasher and all hell breaks loose as the husband has gone from doing half to nothing and doesn't resume the half role again.

WorkingBling Mon 13-Jul-15 16:05:31

DH is mostly a SAHD. I still cook, clean, shop, do laundry etc. Sure, I do less than he does. And yes, sometimes he feels like it's relentless, but he'd be well within his rights to have a go at me if he was doing it constantly and I did nothing. On Friday, before I left for work I still managed to find time to give DS breakfast, unload the dishwasher, feed the cat, make coffee for DH. Today, I managed a lot less. But I try when I can.

Sorry, these threads aren't funny. You think they are. And get defensive as a result. But really, it's just a sign that things are a still massively skewed towards men having a great life while women deal with all the shit. Literally. And the patriarchy is so good at it that most women think it's normal.

BrowersBlues Mon 13-Jul-15 16:07:36

If you people are genuinely not joking can I politely suggest that you get off your arses and stop letting yourselves be treated as inferior citizens. I still think this is a joke.

princessvikki Mon 13-Jul-15 16:08:05

Is that not a more general problem though when both parents work? The same could be said of husbands who stay at home. It's a case of finding the balance that works for your individual family. I just think its an unfair assumption that stay at home mums are oppressed and are at home pineing to be at work. For some of us that is simply not the case.

princessvikki Mon 13-Jul-15 16:12:27

Why is wanting to put my full attention on my child being treated as an inferior citizen... Again I make the point it is my choice to do so. I'm not saying my dh does nothing and comes home to a stepford wife with dinner on the table but I don't expect a 50/50 split on household chores when he has already worked 12 hours in a very physical job. I find it very judgemental to assume I have an unfulfilled life because I chose to stay at home

NerrSnerr Mon 13-Jul-15 16:15:41

No one said that a SAHM is an inferior citizen. Stop looking for arguments that aren't there.

Heels99 Mon 13-Jul-15 16:17:57

I guess the only warning they can give you is don't marry a moron. If you have already done that then you have an issue.

WorkingBling Mon 13-Jul-15 16:20:01

I missed any suggestions that SAHMs are inferior. Ditto that they are unfulfilled. Ditto that anyone expects the working parent to do 50% of the chores.

The view was that jokey threads about "lazyitis" are a sign of a bigger problem.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: