Is my husband's level of drinking reasonable?

[manicmama]

At the moment my husband's level of drinking is making me miserable. I need to know if I am reacting unreasonably.

Sorry this is going to be long ...

As an example, we went out to a friends for dinner last night. I was not drinking because I am pregnant but everyone else was, which was not a problem. I came home at 1am and told my husband that he was beginning to slur his speech so he should probably have a soft drink or two. The door bell then buzzed at 4am and my friend's husband was there with my husband. My husband could only just stand and was incoherent. I managed to get him up to bed in the spare room, despite him collapsing on the stairs half way up. When I mentioned it to him this morning he had no recollection of being walked home or me taking him upstairs.

In the past he has also mistakenly got into bed with my mother (although he does not remember this) and he thinks this is hilarious and great dinner party conversation.

Obviously those were particularly bad nights. In general, he goes out "marketing" with work clients 3 to 4 nights per week. He will usually stay out until at least midnight. Often, he passes out on the sofa in front of the TV or he staggers into the bedroom and passes out, snoring loudly.

If he stays in, then he will usually have a glass of wine. If a bottle of wine is opened he tends to finish it.

I come from a family of fairly heavy drinkers but find this too much. He is often in a bad temper as a result of being overtired from the drinking. He also thinks I am overreacting when I have suggested in the past that he is drinking too much. He keeps saying it is part of his work and everyone he knows drinks as much as he does.

I might be being unreasonable but I find his behaviour embarrassing because he often loses the power of speech when we are out and starts swaying everywhere.

I once suggested that he give up for a week in January (as many of his friends do) but he would not even contemplate it.

About two years ago I left him for a few days after a long episode of heavy drinking. The last straw was when he failed to return home after a night out and turned up at 12pm the next day, just in time for a great friend's wedding at 1pm. He said he was not that drunk he had just missed his train. I had tried calling him on his mobile but there had been no answer. Things improved for a long while but recently everything is going downhill again.

Please help. I need to know whether I am being oversensitive and if not, what can I do? I have two small children plus one on the way to think of as well as myself.

[poppiesmum]

oooh manicmama - this is a difficult one because everyone's perception of what is an unreasonable amount to drink is different. Just looking at it from my pov, I would probably have concerns too though, although others might must see it as your dh having too much of a good time when he's out. I find the comment about him not contemplating giving up the drink for a week a bit worrying though.

I think a lot of people will identify with your story. My dh will usually finish a bottle of wine if it's open (just like I can't leave an open packet of biscuits!), that in itself doesn't mean he has a problem. I think I would be more worried that he's not seeing how upset you are by it all.

Tbh, whenever I have mentioned to my dh in the past that maybe he's drinking too regularly, he has always been good in that he listens to what my concerns are, and we agree to cut down togther, by, for example, only drinking on our days off or not drinking at home. Have you tried to explain how you are feeling at the moment, and how upset it's making you? He should at least listen and try to reasure you, esp with you being pg. Just because he doen't think he's got a problem, the fact that you have concerns should be enough for him to try and make the effort to put your mind at rest.

[Mummymonster]

Hello manicmama

I can't suggest anything but offer a bigg hug to you, it must be awful for you. It certainly sounds like he's being very irresponsible.

Indirectly I would suggest you contact Alanon. I understand they are related to AA but are there to offer advice and support to the relatives/significant others of those experiencing alcohol related difficulties. It does not require anyone to admitto alcoholism or join the AA but they can give better more specialised support than me.

All the best

[Booboobedoo]

Manicma: the sentence 'he often loses the power of speech when we are out and starts swaying everywhere.' sets alarm bells ringing with me.

My Dad's an alcoholic, and I know the effect this can have on a family.

I'm sorry, I really don't know what to suggest, but I wanted to let you know that I don't think you're being over-sensitive. The fact that he's unwilling to discuss it at all is a classic sign tbh.

this is the AA website, and I think has a link to the family support line. Might be a good idea to have a chat with them - they should be able to give you ideas on how to cope with this, especially as you're so vulnerable at the moment.

[sunnysideup]

I think this is a very large amount to drink. Losing the power of speech, swaying, not remembering how he got home or up to bed - it's like you're describing a teenager just discovering drink for the first time. He isn't drinking like an adult, or responsibly, if you know what I mean....

A couple of glasses of wine, ok; but to get that drunk is problematic, big time. It is when you are a dad with another on the way, anyway, and if you do it every week.

Sorry you're having to deal with this, hope it's not too strssful...

[20yearsinrecovery]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. If someone's drinking is affecting you to that extent, its the drinking that is unreasonable IME.
Also, the 'everyone I know drinks like me' justification is one I used when I was drinking alcoholically...and one that virtually every recovering alcholic I know could relate to: even if its true, its amazing how easy it is to only surround oneself with equally bad or heavier drinkers when one wants to stay in denial!
I would suggest contacting AlAnon and just talking to a few members...see if their stories ring bells for you....

[Fattymumma]

have to agree with everythig 20yir (congrats)has said.

iyts not the quantity thats drunk its the effect on the rest of your life, and it clearly is haveing an affect.

[vitomum]

FWIW i don't think you are being unreasonable and i would find taht level of alcohol use in my partner boring, upsetting and unacceptable. Unfortunately your DH will probably have plenty of support for the idea that it is OK because sadly excessive and dangerous alcohol use is so normalised. Bottom line though is that you don;t like it and as his partner he has an obligation to take that on board.

[manicmama]

Thanks for your messages.

When I explained to my DH how he got home last night he went round to apologise to the hosts. Unfortunately for me, the other husband had only just got up and was severely hungover (unlike my husband who wasn't??). They thought my DH was a blast. My DH proudly announced that the blood on his shirt was from the other husband when they had been wrestling (after I had gone home). I was not impressed. He still has a scar on his nose from last New Year's Eve when he stayed up with a couple of mates and he still has no recollection of how he got it.

He asked me what my problem was if I was not even there. He apologised for waking me up at 4am but does not understand why I am so angry.

Oh well. Will just have to deal with it I suppose.

[SherlockLGJ]

Have you posted like this before ??

The comment "If he stays in, then he will usually have a glass of wine. If a bottle of wine is opened he tends to finish it." Sounds familiar. My point being, that if you have, then it is not just a phase. IYKWIM

[manicmama]

I have not posted about it here before. My DH did stop drinking in such quantities for quite a long time but it seems to have started again.

Also, looking back, when I first met him, he and his batchelor friends used to down a couple of bottles of wine before going out. I just put that down to student days.

He has always enjoyed drinking and it is socially acceptable which makes it so difficult. No one else sees him in the state that I do on a regular basis. When I have tried to talk to friends/relatives they think I am exaggerating or overreacting. It makes me very unsure of my ground.

[MrsOhHu]

When I was pg, I really hated watching people getting drunk. It sounds as though your dh is drinking considerably more than is good for him which must make life really tiresome for you. It is so unpleasant watching someone self-destruct and lose control. It sounds as though he gets drunk on a fairly regular basis. What is he like in the meantime?

[madmarchhare]

I think its the midweek 'socialising' that would bother me tbh.

What about when you have the baby?, is he still going to be out all the time then?

[Glassofwine]

My dh can be like this, but has recently agreed to get some outside help. His big thing is that he doesn't want to have to give up totally, doesn't want to be the bloke drinking orange juice and having to explain why. I can understand that, perhaps your dh feels the same, that if he admits to it being an issued he'll be given the alcoholic title. We live near surrey and I looked up alcohol and surrey in google and came up with SADAS which is the local drug and alcohol advisory service. There is an online course for people who would like to cut down on their drinking without outside help - its called Thinking About Your Drinking. I'm trying to get my dh to do it, perhaps you could persude yours too.

[manicmama]

Thanks for the idea glassofwine. Not sure if he actually wants to cut down on drinking. He gets quite angry if I bring up the subject.

I have already told him that he will have to cut down when I have the baby, but we will see. I just hope his drinking does not get worse in the meantime.

[WhizzBangCaligula]

No you're not being unreasonable, your DH is an alcoholic. I would second the suggestion that you contact al-anon. You'll get lots of good advice from them.

Here's the website. al-anon

[LittleMonkeysMum]

He sounds like a lawyer! DH works with people like this and they have definite problems, worst thing being the way they are able to justify it to themselves by calling it 'marketing'. Thing is the ones with problems always seem to be the ones going above and beyond the call of duty and getting absolutely lashed on a really regular basis.
Really wish you luck dealing with this. xxx

[manicmama]

My DH is indeed a lawyer!

I saw an empty bottle of wine in the bin this morning that he must have had to himself last night.

If this continues I will contact Al Anon.

[LittleMonkeysMum]

Hi MM
I keep thinking about this as I'm fortunate not to have the same problem with OH, but know people who do. Oh's boss for instance has a big problem.
The rest of the advice you have been given is better than this, but as short term ideas you could try the following.
Perhaps your OH can cut down drinking by trying to do 'marketing' at breakfast instead of lunch and dinner. Apparently lots of clients prefer it as they don't especially want to get smashed all the time.
Say that you need him to limit how many nights he goes out in the week, maybe two nights is acceptable, and pin him down at the beginning of the week, and write it on a calender. Important marketing events don;t tend to be last minute arrangements do they?
See if you can get him to agree to only go out on marketing dos and not on internal work drinks.
See if you can get him to try to do one marketing event without having a drink to see if he can.
Perhaps he could give up drinking in Jan or Feb for the whole month.
Also if he is really putting it away, maybe he should get checked out by the GP. Be careful of this one as OH's boss did this and to all intents and purposes is fighting fit, so thinks it's OK to carry on drinking like a fish.
His inability to do any of the above may bring it home to him that he has a problem.
Good luck.
xxx

[EmmyLou]

Manicmama - just look at the download file on the Alanon website. Reading it made a big difference to how I felt about dh's drinking.

I think you dh's behaviour/drinking is extremely unacceptable and quite how you cope with the children and another on the way...

He's being selfish as all alcoholics are - it's a symptom of the illness.