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Mid-life Crisis - care to have a moan with me?

(122 Posts)
MrsRossPoldark Tue 17-Mar-15 22:26:29

I am so Mrs mid-life crisis right now.

Marriage being 'reassessed'; under pressure at work; kids all with teenage problems; no pension provision; debts; jealous of friends with perfect kids & partners / fab holidays; emotions all over the place; not knowing what the future holds etc etc

Why isn't there a 'mid-life' crisis section under 'general health'? This seems such a stereotypical MLC and there are so many threads relating to issues with middle-age and yet no-one wants to discuss it? Most seem to be DHs running off with younger women, or women feeling dissatisfied with their DHs as they have been together so long there's nothing to talk about any more.

Anyone out there need a good old moan? Come and join the mid-life whinge thread!

nowitsenough Tue 17-Mar-15 23:09:08

MrsRoss I hear you! I have debt, moody teenage child, no pension provision .. I've given up my job and work from home part time in an attempt to keep my sanity and be less stressed, but am not earning enough at present.

I ache, I'm overweight, my eating is disordered, the passion has gone out of my marriage...

Feel free to whinge, maybe we can exchange tips that help? Can't think of anything at present though .. sad

MrsRossPoldark Tue 17-Mar-15 23:18:32

Not really offering solutions, just a place to exchange ideas!

My MLC has been going on for some time and I'm struggling to stop being jealous of all my younger friends [one of whom has started going out with one of my older friend's daughter [sic] - that reminds me how old I'm getting and how the romance just isn't there any more when you get to a 'certain age' - if it ever was at the start of my marriage! Maybe I've just forgotten as my memory's going now too!].

Must go to bed soon - getting tired you know!

MrsRossPoldark Wed 18-Mar-15 07:32:17

Yikes - younger friend and his new gf have just bought a caravan which they're renting out. Another reminder of the stage we're at as we had to sell ours last year as we weren't allowed to rent it out and just didn't use it ourselves as our DKs are at 'that age' and it was too far for us to use as a M&Ds bolt hole.

Just another thing that goes by the wayside when you reach MLC.

nowitsenough Wed 18-Mar-15 08:48:40

I have no solutions, just nice to chat to someone who understands ..

I miss the passion we used to have in the early days, but I just don't have the energy for it anymore. I'm torn between wanting to be young and passionate or just having a peaceful cosy life hmm

I envy my eldest daughter who is in her twenties, as she has her life ahead of her, she has no responsibilities, she's out all the time, she's young and has no access and pains .. I'm fed up of not going out, not going on holiday .. and no end in sight.

nowitsenough Wed 18-Mar-15 08:50:49

And I don't feel I have the energy for all the teenage problems ahead of us again, having gone through it with my two older children.

MrsRossPoldark Fri 20-Mar-15 15:29:57

Ditto nowitsenough!

So jealous of younger folks with their romantic days out sitting on top of a hill enjoying the eclipse & sharing champagne together. I don't even think I have ever been treated that way & I don't see it ever happening again.

I have booked a romantic evening for us (a surprise) as it's our 20th anniv soon. If I'm to have any romance I need to sort it myself, but DH hasn't even acknowledged my email of 10 days ago asking him to book the day off! He hasn't booked his summer holiday leave either so going to just book it as otherwise we'll end up going nowhere.

He came home 2 days ago from a business trip & not once has he said he missed me, nor acknowledged that I have had to deal with some totally unexpected sh@t on my own (ongoing). All he did was tell me he needed 'stress relief' as it's been so long. Maybe when you're this age/stage & been together so long you just shouldn't expect it?

nowitsenough Fri 20-Mar-15 16:17:42

Maybe .. dh used to be romantic. These days he asks if I want flowers instead of just surprising me.

I know, at least he is willing to buy them, but I always say no I don't want them, because I don't feel I can justify the expense. Secretly though I would love flowers, any surprise gift really, but as a surprise.

No holiday for us this year, we just can't afford. I dream of a week in the sun, swimming in the sea, drinking wine outside a lovely restaurant, but it will never happen because a) we have no money and b) dh hates beaches and that sort of holiday sad sad

MrsRossPoldark Sun 22-Mar-15 16:42:36

Today's moan: it's now 4:30 & kids have finally got themselves off their computers to do rehearsals for an upcoming gig & DH & ES have gone off to walk the dog. It's a beautiful sunny day when we really ought to be swanning off somewhere not dossing around or nagging the kids to do something!

Now ironing & getting dinner on while all this lovely sunshine is wasted & childless friends have gone off to their new van because - well - because they can!

Spent the morning getting DH to finally discuss holiday plans and choosing new glasses for me as, being MLC, my eyesight is getting worse.

Oh the joys of spring!

MrsRossPoldark Wed 25-Mar-15 18:17:30

I know what it is! Everything reminds me of what we've lost.

Our life savings have gone; our caravan has gone; our rental income (our only pension provision) has gone; our freedom has gone; our emotional support for each other has gone.

DH was oow for 2 of the last 3 years, and he made some disastrous financial decisions which I went along with as I wasn't strong enough or knowledgable enough to disagree with him. We tried our own business which failed & all our plans to save up for kids' college fees have been swallowed paying back our debts.

My 40s started with a serious cancer diagnosis & all the treatment & emotion that was spent on that.

My 50s have started as a financial & marriage mess. I have started standing up for myself more & DH is finding it hard to adjust to the newly assertive me. All this being timed beautifully with hormonal swings, depression & terrible mood swings.

I can't wait to see what my 60s have in store.

2fat4that Wed 25-Mar-15 18:36:03

MrsRoss, my dh was out of work for 18 months until end of last year and it had a huge impact on our relationship.

2fat4that Wed 25-Mar-15 21:52:54

The few savings we had went, we have mortgage arrears, huge debt to pay off due to bad financial choices in the past, had to accept a job with a lower salary, because he had no other offers. It affects our whole life, we can't go on holiday, we can't go out to switch off and be a couple rather than parents .. I agree, it's like we've lost everything. I expected at this age to be comfortable, no worries, taking pleasant holidays with no small children and finally being able to go out in the evening without needing a babysitter.

Sorry to hear about your illness. Hope you've fully recovered.

MrsRossPoldark Wed 25-Mar-15 22:20:17

2fat4that: I guess we both need to refocus on what's really important. 10 years ago I could have been dead. They say having cancer changes your outlook on life but sometimes it doesn't really.

You can't help it if your DH loses his job, gets depressed & refuses help from you or anyone else. You can't help feeling sad when the rest of your life is still pretty bleak & you still have to live it.

MrsRossPoldark Thu 26-Mar-15 10:20:21

I think it's also the fact that although DP now has a great job, earning a very good salary, every penny he earns [and I earn, albeit p-t and just above minimum wage] is going to service our debts, and we are still paying out more than we bring in [spending all day today analysing our spending to work out why!].

Friends seem to have assumed now that everything is fine and we can afford to go out, entertain, pay for kids' holiday activities, but that really isn't the case.

tormentil Thu 26-Mar-15 10:28:18

Joining in! 50 next month, three grown children who live abroad. Massive debts due to bringing up children alone. Never got a working life together - did SAHM. Possible fibroids. Live alone. Really can't understand it when people say I can still be glam and attractive at 50. I don't want to go out on the prowl for a man. I don't have the energy! I want companionship. But what to do with that brown leather biker jacket hanging on the back of my bedroom door?

swazza Thu 26-Mar-15 10:38:31

Can't stop right now as I have to pop out to the Dr! Got to the stage in my life where the Dr surgery calls me and tells me the Dr needs to see me!

I have become very unhappy with my life and swing between bizarre escape or sit with it and it will get better plans daily!

So I am place marking so I can come back and join the pity party and compare notes on all our MLC later!

MrsRossPoldark Thu 26-Mar-15 10:46:07

Welcome aboard! I'm amazed there aren't more MLCers out there!

Maybe they are just keeping quiet, but it staggers me, frankly, that there isn't a MLC thread already, just to let off steam! Is no-one on MN middle aged, bored and wishing they could just start all over again?

2fat4that Thu 26-Mar-15 13:01:44

tormentil, same here - I never had a career - I married my first husband when I was 23 and had a baby straight away. I was able to be a SAHM for all three of my children, two of them have left home, one of which lives abroad. My youngest is a teen. I left my first husband as he was abusive and lost everything we had accumulated in our home. I had to rebuild my life and due to custody arrangements I spent a lot of money flying my children back and forth between us, running up debt all the time - this was before budget airlines.

I now work from home earning very little, but due to depression do not feel able to work away from home, earning more. As mentioned above, dh was out of work for 18 months, which has left us in a mess.

swazza Thu 26-Mar-15 13:38:25

I have totally lost my way in life.I don't know what I want anymore or what I am aiming at.

I retrained a couple of years ago to return to work after being a SAHM for a few years but just as I secured my first job in the new industry we had to move here with DHs new job. There are zero employment opposrtunities here except cleaning. I am not dissing cleaners - prior to my college course and retraining I did the odd cleaning job. But since I worked so hard to move on with my CV I am reluctant to do that and frankly dont want to be a cleaner when most friends my age are doing far more interesting work.

I feel like I have made some stupid decisions in the past and unlike 10 or so years ago - feel like its too late to correct them and I have missed the boat.

Kids dont need me as much - except for lifts places and money. DH(50)works away more and more and when he is here he seems to sleep all the time. He comes in eats tea and then is asleep by 7.30/8pm. His snoring is horrendous,so I leave him sleeping on the sofa some nights so I can get some sleep but I can still hear it very loudly because its so bad. This isnt doing wonders for our marriage. He refuses to see a Dr as many men do.

I feel pretty invisible tbh.

Meanwhile - I see and hear of my slightly younger friends booking holidays, buying new things, having fun, having babies with a real zest and enthusiasm for the future. I just feel flat and like there is little to look forward to anymore.

My thoughts are mental. I swing from - last chance saloon - shall I have another baby to fill this void (don't worry - I know this is insane) and shall I just get in my car and drive away. Take my passport and piss off to the Algarve for a few weeks. They would only probably notice I was missing when they ran out of clean mugs and underwear!

I honestly have bizarre fantasies of leaving. Usually down the Shirly Valentine route. Sometimes I plan in my head to leave permanently just so I can do what I want to do in my life for ME ME ME and no one else. Sometimes I plan to just leave for a few days.

I never do though. I love my family too much and kids are still young enough to need me even if they dont show it.

Then I have the fantasy that we are only a few years away from the kids leaving home and us being just us - me and DH (but I dont know if we have much in common anymore and he certainly takes me for granted). I keep thinking if I can sit this out,it will be lovely - the kids and maybe grandchildren and all happy families etc etc.

But that little pessimistic MLC voice in my head - just keeps seeing the negative and sowing doubts in my mind.

I never used to be like this! I honestly scare myself some days with the shit and plans I make up in my head. I really do swing from at 8am packing my bags tomorrow and leaving for Spain and - planning a romantic retirement with my absent and snoring husband!

2fat4that Thu 26-Mar-15 14:21:49

swazza, yes, yes and yes! Me too ... I fall asleep planning to leave and set up my own little flat, furnished as I want, no one to need any attention, to watch whatever TV I want and listen to whatever music I want to. I know I can't go yet, dd is too young and after the nightmare that was my first divorce I can't put another child through that, but I really don't know if I want to stay with dh otherwise, we have nothing much to talk about a lot of the time and he clearly isn't trying for my sake.

ConstanceMoan Thu 26-Mar-15 21:47:16

OP - if you report your post and ask MNHQ to move the thread to Chat or Relationships you might get more MLC joining in.

Obviously I am too young to contribute ...

mistymeanour Fri 27-Mar-15 16:52:27

Another one here. I feel I have all the allure of a clootie dumpling and a functioning age of 90. My H has brought our relationship and finances to its knees. Like others I have no pension, am "self" but under employed and can't get a salaried job. I am having the menopause from hell - chronic migraine, dizziness, hot flushes, panic etc. In a few months we will no longer be able to pay our mortgage. No holidays, no nights out. Life is totally crap. I feel my family regard me a some sort of charwoman, a sort of 1930's "slavey". I am a drudge. I want to be cherished.

Terrified of a descent into poverty. Not what I had envisioned for my 50's and beyond.

2fat4that Fri 27-Mar-15 19:51:28

Misty, I'm in a similar situation, totally understand how you feel. Had to grin at clootie though!

I can't see us ever being in a better situation. Our mortgage takes nearly half our mortgage, our credit rating is terrible, so we can't move, even if we could sell this hideously expensive house. I'm getting fat, wrinkly and ugly. I don't know what is going on with my marriage. It just feels like too much effort. My children feel like hard work too these days sad Wrapped up in themselves, the oldest only contact me when they want something. The only Mothers Day card I got was from my youngest, because dh bought it with her. I know, I know, I'm being pathetic! blush

MrsRossPoldark Sat 28-Mar-15 13:01:17

In a way, glad to hear I'm not the only one!

ConstanceMoan: I didn't put the post on 'relationships' as I truly feel that MLCs do stem from a life & health cause? Hormones raging & stage of life, rather than being a straight issue with relationships, although obv this has hit nerves for most of us in here who are experiencing partnership problems on top of everything else.

I might move it to relationships thread if everyone else in here thinks it would be useful/helpful? Let me know what you think?

2fat4that Sun 29-Mar-15 18:11:31

I think it is a mixture of things for me - partly health/age related, as menopause symptoms are definitely not helping, but also partly a relationship problem, as relationships become stale and people are taken for granted. Also maybe something that happens as we get older and are more certain of what we want in life ...

Maybe to a certain extent caused by the current financial climate, as more and more people are out of work and having financial difficulties at a time when we would expect us and our husbands to be settled and well established in jobs, children leaving home and having time and money to ourselves ...?

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