It just hit me, I think DH is autistic

[Reastie]

I have no idea where to put this thread, so hoping this is a good space?

It's just dawned on me over the past week, I think DH may be autistic. I guess I'm wondering if other people think I'm on to something based on his behaviour.

He doesn't have any friends. None. He isn't very good at social interaction. He doesn't like lots of people and crowds. He says he's never felt the need to have friends and is happy on his own. He doesn't handle his emotions well and will occasionally have aggressive/angry bursts. This is never physical to me but I get upset by the outbursts and DH has never been able to understand that his behaviour has an effect on me. To him, the emotion has left his system and it's my issue if I'm upset by it not his and he doesn't seem very bothered about my upset (which in turn upsets me more!). I take an interest in how his day was etc, he doesn't very much to me, or if he does it's sometimes asking for the purposes of feeling he should ask rather than if he's interested. He isn't great with knowing what emotionally I need, and I'll often have to ask him or tell him what I need from him.

BUT, isn't obsessional about facts, can't remember things in that way. He doesn't have a collection of things of be fanatical about anything in particular. I always thought he was just funny with emotions etc but never really thought he couldn't see things from other peoples perspectives. Now I wonder if he can see things from other people's perspectives but more from the view that the other person is like him perhaps in the way they think and see things and if they aren't he isn't sure quite how to deal with that.

Gah, looking at the facts now I can't believe I haven't thought or accepted this may be the case sooner. How does it look to you? And where on earth do I go from here?

[Icelollycraving]

I don't have any knowledge of autism but it doesn't sound like it to me. More of a personality disorder perhaps.

[HermanSkank]

Um...He just doesn't sound like a very nice person, to be honest.

[RandomMess]

ASD is a huge spectrum, have you looked more specifically at Aspergers?

[Reastie]

Random yes I've looked at aspergers and have known a number of people with it, and he isn't like them so I guess I discounted it, I don't really know.

Ice and herman bear in mind this is just certain personality traits here I'm talking about, it doesn't sum him up completely.

[RandomMess]

I'm emotionally inept but that is down to upbringing, I always score near the ASD limit but not high enough IYSWIM.

How do his parents deal with emotions?

[SageSeymour]

He just sounds socially inept, rude and unfeeling onwards you, tbh. People on the autistic spectrum don't actually treat people like shit, and it sounds like your DH is doing just that.

[HermanSkank]

I'm sorry, OP. It doesn't matter what label you want to put on him.He's angry and aggressive, disregards your feelings and - just guessing here! - never apologises or shows real remorse for causing you distress?

There's a name for men like that all right, but it isn't 'autistic'.

[PurplePidjin]

reading what you've put, i suggest you do a teensy bit more research before deciding your husband has a major neurological condition

[HermanSkank]

I imagine you will want to defend him, which is only right and proper, but you should at least consider the possibility that he's just - horrible.

[FayeFruitLoop]

From the snapshot in your post I wouldn't jump to an autism label tbh

I agree with PP that it's far more likely your DH is just an arse.

But perhaps you could look on an autism checklist and list any other things you think he fits?

[PandasRock]

I have 2 children on the spectrum, and neither of them would disregard a persons feelings and emotions as your dh does. They may not be able to identify their own feelings very well, but they can in others, and the worst thing in the world for them is someone being upset ( especially of they have caused it).

Autism has nothing to do with being callous and aggressive.

[Sparklingbrook]

Doesn't look like this was a good place to post after all.

[Reastie]

Random this is what I put it down to - parental influence. They aren't exactly great in this area and IMO from what I know a number of his behaviour attributes are from a parent or not corrected/explained to be unacceptable by his parents.

I looked on the NHS website about autism, there were 3 main aspects to it and DH fitted 2 out of 3, which is why I then posted here. Difficulty with social interaction - tick, difficulty with social communication - tick, difficulty with social imagination - not so sure he ticks this.

Previously I put it down to social/emotional inexperience. Now I'm wondering if it's something else. Maybe it is just that he's an arse. I don't wish to upset or offend anyone with an autistic DH/DC etc, I'm not making light of it or thinking any lack of social skills must equal autism, it was the ticking 2 of 3 of the autistic boxes on the NHS web site and the fact i recently found out his DM thinks he's on the autistic spectrum that is making me think this.

[Reastie]

^ Maybe his DM thinks he's autistic to explain his behaviour as she can't accept what she has nurtured????

[HermanSkank]

Thing is, OP, it doesn't really matter, does it?

You don't say much about your feelings in all of this - how does living with him make you feel? Why are you doing all this research - what do you think will happen if you can 'diagnose' your arse husband?

[Reastie]

Well Herman I guess it would explain his behaviour and allow us to research how to work with it and techniwues to help both of us.

[HermanSkank]

And how much commitment do you think your DH would bring to this process of research? Or would he just get angry and aggressive at the suggestion that there is something 'wrong' with him? Might he even suggest that you are the one with the problem?

[Cindy34]

The spectrum is huge, on a program recently it was shown as a bell shape, with NT at left bottom, autism as right bottom. So what does that mean the top of the bell is, all still NT?

Does it matter? What could you do about it? You can't change how someone is, you adapt and you try to get them to adapt to fit with what society will accept. Like with children who dislike wearing clothes, you let them get their way at home but you insist they wear clothes when out in public.

You are with him for a reason, you must like some of his qualities. Maybe he is very reliable, very punctual, never tells a lie. He may hate social events, crowds, phone calls. Most people hate social events, don't they? Maybe it is those who love them who are the problem?

[Vitalstatistix]

Are you talking about the triad of impairments?

To meet the dx criteria for autism, you must meet all three.

Two out of three is not a diagnosis of autism. At best, it is an 'ok, he doesn't meet the criteria for a diagnosis of autism, maybe it's something else.' Not that he can be diagnosed by anyone other than professionals, but you know what I mean.

Have you read this? here

How someone presents differs greatly. My own two sons have autism and are as different as it is possible to be! But the triad is essential in diagnosing.

If you feel that there is a possibility that your husband is on the spectrum even though you don't think the full triad applies to him, then he needs an assessment, with people who are trained to diagnose. Amateur/internet diagnosis is little more than a tool to allow you to excuse behaviours that are causing you pain.

That helps nobody.

Autism does not make someone an arsehole. If your husband loves you, then he will not want to make you feel like shit. It won't make him happy. You can tell him what you think, tell him that you need him to have an assessment and ask him if he is willing to do that.

[HermanSkank]

I think if OP felt that her DH's other traits made up for his anger, aggression and lack of basic 'niceness' towards her, she wouldn't have posted. And she certainly wouldn't be embarking on a whole research project to find out what might be causing him to act as he does.

There's more, isn't there OP? These angry outbursts - what does he do?

[TheVioletTinsel]

In a way autism is a red herring, as the main questions are 1]is he willing to make an effort regarding outbursts that upset you and 2]if not, are you prepared to put up with it. How does he manage at work, out of interest

[HermanSkank]

Autism does not make someone an arsehole

This. This is all you need to know, OP.

[Caramelkate]

I think a lot of men particularly can have traits of what we consider to be autistic. But what you describe sounds more like general unpleasantness :(. My dd is autistic and goes to an autistic school, and I would say that most young people there struggle with the things you describe, but these things are balanced by lots of positive attributes too. They are all quirky too - which doesn't come across in your post. For instance, they were all told to wipe their feet the other day and they started taking their socks and shoes off! - things that are fairly unusual I guess. I think it would be unusual for autism to be undetectable and then get worse - there are people who aren't diagnosed till adulthood but it's rare.

You sound so unhappy. I hope you can find a way forward.

[SkullytonFlowers]

i just have to interject, i have an adult sibling with AS, and i have to say some of what you've described does ring bells with my siblings behaviour.

My sibling does also have the obsessions, he's a workaholic.. he is also somewhat selfish in that if he doesn't understand the reason for your emotion, he will dismiss it as unimportant. He quite often needs prompting and things spelling out for him, he's very rigid in how he perceives the world around him, everything is very black and white.

But.. he does have friends, he does socialise with them to a point, but he will not go to overly crowded places, sit with his back to the wall.. he has sensory problems so always has a hat and shades to filter the light out and wears his ipod so he can have his music on if he starts to feel overwhelmed.

And no, having ASD doesn't make you an arsehole, but its quite possible for someone with ASD to BE an arsehole, just like you get nice and nasty NT's, you can also get nice and nasty NNT's!