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Help me be more sympathetic towards dh and the Big Snip

(60 Posts)
Moomin Sat 03-Jun-06 10:33:42

after two rotten pregnancies and being no spring chickens anymore we have decided to definitely stop at 2. Dh has always been very willing to have a vasectomy when the time came and we initially decided to wait until dd2 was at least a year old maybe more. but i've decided not to take the pill anymore and am really enjoying the freedom of having my body back to myself.

so we have recently talked about bringing the snip forward to the next few months and starting investigations. dh works in a hospital and one of his colleagues' dh performs vasectomies (in a different hospital!) and has offered to 'take care' of dh. i think this has made it suddenly very REAL to dh.

he gets skin reactions when he is stressed and i noticed some inflammation yesterday. he said the only reason he could think of it being there is thinking and worrying about the vasectomy. part of me feels sympathy for him and part of me thinks WTF!!! I've had two dreadful pregnancies: hyperemesis, SPD, placenta praevia, two c-sections; not to mention the fertility investigations, lap&dye, clomid, etc. And i've now got ever-lasting piles, a weak back and ongoing physio for constant pain from a ligament in my buttock that got screwed up having dd2!!!!!!!!!

[deep breaths]

i don't want to scare him off having it. i need to try and summon up some sympathy but it's really not a strong point for me. help me be more nice

edam Sat 03-Jun-06 10:39:03

sorry, I wouldn't have much sympathy for him either. Would just tell him to get over himself. Oh, suppose I could summon up a bit of 'I know you are feeling worried, but honestly, it will be OK' but that's about it.

fullmoonfiend Sat 03-Jun-06 10:39:43

tell him how great the sex will be afterwards
On NO account let him read anything on the internet about VS, we made that mistake and my dh was halfway to Cuba before I managed to calm him down
And if you focus on how lovely it will feel afterwards it may help you feel 'nicer' towards him. I know exactly how you feel - the pill really didn't agree with me, I had tremendous mood swings and my libido plummeted to almost non-existant. Afterwards, (and it did take about a month before he felt like doing it after the op) it was fantastic. I felt like 'me' and not worrying about getting pg was terribly liberating. These days, after 12 years together, things are like when we first met
Good luck.

mousiemousie Sat 03-Jun-06 10:44:47

Presumably if he didn't have the snip you would have sterilisation instead? That is a much worse operation so he is saving you from that - not all men would be so considerate - don't you value him for that?

Moomin Sat 03-Jun-06 10:51:16

god no he knows it would be out of the question for me to have the op instead. he knows it's inevitable but he's just being a bit a of a wuss, as most men are when faced with the prospect of illness&pain/ hospital / having their willies and thereabouts tampered with. and i don't actually feel 'grateful' towards him even though i maybe should, as i've been tampered with enough and i think his is a very small sacrifice! i know not all blokes think like that but i'm not about to get down on bended knee in gratitude (mostly because my back is so f*cked!)

EmmyLou Sat 03-Jun-06 11:08:03

Hmmm reading with interest as dh must go soon for snip. Have come off pill as i think its his turn now. Do you have any friends dh's who have had snip and can be sufficiently blase about it when talking to him? A friend of ours had one done privately and says it only took minutes to do and didn't hurt for too long etc which has boosted my dh's confidence somewhat. But he is insisting on going private for the op now - (did't see him offering private for my 3 pregnancies). Problem now is to find a block of time when I know Dh is going to be in the country so we can get it done.

Moomin Sat 03-Jun-06 11:14:23

that's the problem i think. we have several friends who have had it done. Two have had very nasty experiences with infections and the like. one is still having tests 2 years after having it done to see if it worked properly. one of his balls went up like an orange and went purple, as he delights in telling us. another mate just had an infection and it was very sore for a few weeks. we saw him last weekend and he was telling dh all about it... which is what's probably brought on this anxiety.

bloody hell though - it's NOTHING compared to what the average mum has to endure, plus all my problems which just had to be put up with as part and parcel of having a family! sometimes i wonder if i'm one of these people who needs to inflict my suffering onto others! i could never be a martyr

LadyTophamHatt Sat 03-Jun-06 11:17:49

After this surprise pregnancy I'm thinking that DH should getthe snip. he's against the idea even though I've pointed out I've done childbirth 3 times so far(and none were any truoble).

His answer put the fear of god in me "What if in afew years I say I'd like another one???"


LadyWitchofWaterford Sat 03-Jun-06 11:18:41

Can't help you be nice, sorry, he should shut tf up imo!

FloatingOnTheMed Sat 03-Jun-06 11:21:47

Um, not to take away from your experiences Moomin but as someone who has always had a huge medical phobia I can sympathise so much with your DH. Firstly, he has to choose to inflict this pain & possible complications on himself - and he doesn't get a baby at the end of it, which is what makes all the pain of childbirth/labour etc beforehand worth it. Why else do women choose to go on and have 2nd babies?? I can't quite believe I would happily have a 2nd one when boyf & I are ready, and i didn't have any of the complications you had - i still feel sick when i think of the whole thing! But the snip is entirely different, surely?

Plus, when it comes to any other medical procedure or whatever i am still terrified even having been through childbirth. When i chopped my finger with a Braun blender thing & had to go to hospital i was a total wimp - childbirth is on a completely different level and you deal with it on a completely different level. does that make any sense??

SaintGeorge Sat 03-Jun-06 11:29:20

DH had last minute doubts like this, even though he had always agreed (in fact suggested) that he would be the one to get 'done'.

I think it is more to do with the fact that it takes all choices away. Even though he is in no doubt that he never wants more kids under any circumstances it was still the permanency of the op that made him hesitate.

Having said that he now goes around telling all his mates to get it done. It was a breeze and has improved our sex life incredibly as there is now so much more spontaneity.

kate100 Sat 03-Jun-06 11:43:30

I have a friend who says the day her DH has his vasectomy was one of the best days of her life. After 3 babie no one was going to be prodding her for once and she got to sit outside and have a nice up of tea in peace!! After 2 pregnancies and I would imagine years of contraception I think it's time your DH did his bit for you and your family. Sorry can't help with the sympathy, I don't think I'll have much for my own DH when the time comes

Moomin Sat 03-Jun-06 13:52:28

he knows it's the right thing to do and he works in a hospital himself so he's hardly squeamish as such. although i can see that if it were your bits under the knife you might be a little less blase than they all are in the theatres where he works! (not that they are slack with patients or anything - it's just that's their everyday work isn't it?) maybe that's one of the problems - he knows exactly what it entails!

but our sex life has improved loads since i came off the pill and this would only make it better so that should be incentive enough.

btw i actually had a dreadful hospital phobia before i had kids. i used to get panic attacks and everything even with the sight of needles. i was in hosp for 6 weeks before have dd1 and 1 week after; and 4 weeks before having dd2. I cried until i was sick when they took me in the first time and then i guess it kind of cured my phobia as i had no choice but to be there! i'm actually ok with hospitals now ironically.

peachyClair Sat 03-Jun-06 14:00:39

Moomin, my sister had a shite PG too (severe pre-exlmapsia, 6 weeks in hiospital baby in nicu for a month) and her Dh gave her no sympathy. He then had a vasectomey 9they were advised no more), and he got an infection,. She gave the same amunt of sympathy he gave here

My DH plands one after last baby but he was really good to me through the Hyperemesis, pre eclampsia etc so i guess I will have to return the favour. damn.

mousiemousie Sat 03-Jun-06 14:53:43

Sorry but I think your dh is being much more responsible than most men and can't help feeling that you don't know how lucky you are.

It is normal to feel apprehensive about any operation and I would imagine particularly one on this part of your anatomy. How can it be so difficult for you to sympathise? Even if you have had a lot of serious surgical conditions yourself - perhaps this makes you more relaxed about surgery on yourself but why do you expect it to have the same effect on your dh? It sounds to me as though you are almost dare I say it looking forward to the thought of your dh having to go through some of the pain you have had to endure as if it will even the score

Moomin Sat 03-Jun-06 15:46:42

an outrageous suggestion and way off the mark. how would anyone in their right mind want their dh to feel pain and be ill when they're going to be the one who'll have to run round after him and listen to the complaining!

seriously, of course i don't want him to feel as much pain as me - he'd die and then i'd be dh-less. I will try to be more sympathetic, as he's very lovely dh. but i hate the idea that i've got to be gratfeul that my dh is acting repsonsibly, just because other blokes don't/wouldn't. My mil says to me 'oh aren't you lucky, dh is such a good dad/dh' because he does his fair share with the kids and housework. but to be honest i wouldn't have married someone i didn't feel would pull their weight. dh is totally in agreement and rolls his eyes everytime mil asks me about something to do with the kids when he's in the room as she assumes he won't have a clue

ScummyMummy Sat 03-Jun-06 15:57:53

Why does he need to get one if he doesn't want to? Doesn't any other form of contraception work for you two or something?

Moomin Sat 03-Jun-06 17:24:33

he does want one - just reality has hit now and he's nervous that's all

no, actually, no other form of contraception is appropriate for us

ScummyMummy Sat 03-Jun-06 17:42:11

Well, it is an operation on a sensitive area so I guess nerves are appropriate enough. And lots of people feel emotional at the thought that they have done something final about their fertility, even if they are quite sure they're doing the right thing. If it is just nerves then tea and sympathy (feigned if necessary) should be enough. But personally I would be very wary about even seeming to put pressure on him to do it, tbh. I think it could make him feel very resentful. I do realise you are not putting any pressure on him but I think that something like this needs to be and be seen to be HIS decision, albeit one that solves a family problem. I would be having a "there's no need to do this unless you want to" conversation and promising that you won't be angry if he changes his mind.

expatinscotland Sat 03-Jun-06 17:43:56

we're in the same boat, moomin. i tried to take the mini-pill. OMG. my chest and back are so scarred from the cystic acne, i've been referred to a dermatologist who deals w/treating scars. not to mention the 3 periods i got in one month and that my moods were completely uncontrollable.

can no longer take the combined pill b/c i am 35 w/a very strong paternal history of heart disease and hypertension.

i don't like how the copper coil works. it bothers my conscience and beliefs, so it's a no go.

not really any reliable choices if you can't do hormones.

but dh is only 28 and they won't give him a vasectomy until he's 30 as we've only had two.

don't see what's so 'lucky' about a father looking after his own kids and health.

ScummyMummy Sat 03-Jun-06 17:49:57

I wouldn't want to be sterilised though. Even if I felt sure that I didn't want any more children. If I had to be in a last resort I would be very nervous, a bit upset emotionally and expect lots of sympathy! So I feel for moomin's husband, personally.

FloatingOnTheMed Sat 03-Jun-06 17:54:38

So you used to have a phobia yourself.

If you remember how you felt back then, maybe you will find some sympathy for him.

expatinscotland Sat 03-Jun-06 18:41:04

The problem I had w/sterlisation is that you can get heavier, more painful periods afterwards.

And after two kids, they're bad enough.

Also, there is a risk of ectopic pregnancy. Two of my mums friends had to have emergency hysterectomies and nearly died from ruptured ectopics after they'd been sterilised. Yikes.

Never heard of a man dying from vasectomy, though.

And then there's the recovery, b/c it's a more serious op.

With two young kids? No, thanks.

ScummyMummy Sat 03-Jun-06 18:57:48

That is very true, expat. The risks associated with vasectomy do seem to be minimal. But I still think there is emotional baggage involved in making a final and irreversable decision to end your possibility of procreating ever again for both sexes. Even if you are certain that you don't want more children. And for men there will always be emotional baggage over a procedure that involves the penis and its appendages, imo.

peachyClair Sat 03-Jun-06 18:58:03

My FIL made my MIl have a sterilisation so I think DH expected me to, when I went through the medical differences he was quite shocked and deffo would do it himself. Thankfully. I can't do the pill either (nobody in my family can), can't do the coil becasue of heavy periods but like ExPat don't like how it works, and we are stuck with condoms.

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