Talk

My lovely lady wife informed me that you ladies had hinted at an interest in my safety techniques ever since I saved my dear lady wife after her misfortune with the scanner and a glass of Saint Emilion Grand Cru. I am, as ever, delighted to oblige, so here goes:

1. Do not attempt to dry your hair with a hairdryer in the bath (my wife never gets the hang of this one, so I've considerately put a socket near the taps for her convenience!)

2. Check that the oven is free from small animals before turning it on (my wife still doesn't know the truth about Timmy the Hamster).

3. Do not attempt to polish wooden stairs with Mr Sheen, they may look nice and shiny but the catastrophes that follow are usually not worth it.

4. Never clean pcs or televisions with soapy water.

5. The microwave should never be used as a clothes dryer.

6. Putting shampoo in the washing machine to clean it is not generally considered a good idea.

7. Do not spray perfume onto lit scented candles to make them smell nicer - the resulting burning flesh smell is not good.

8. Generally speaking, creases in wallpaper CANNOT be ironed out using a conventional iron.

9. Do not store bleach in used vodka bottles that your wife/partner uses.

I hope these useful tips prove to be of some assistance to you all. If you need any more practical advice, do call a man! Ladies are positively lovely but on a site such as this, I think you'll find men are much better at the practicalities!