So. The final verdict is, after all my poor bits have been though, I will need a hysterectomy. And I just can't wrap my mind around it. So angry and sad.

[Jacksmania]

Title just about says it all.

Please bear with me, I am so angry and sad, so if I'm horrid and bitchy, I apologize in advance. And this will probably be long, but I need to get it off my chest.

The story of my poor knackered bits is probably all over MN, certainly on the Ragged Bits thread and I'm sure I've bored everyone to tears venting about DS's shitstorm birth (massively long unproductive labour, 4 hours + of pushing, forceps, 4th degree tear, incontinence, blah-de-blah-de-fucking-blah...). That was nearly 5 years ago. It's dragged on that long. I had an internal repair (trying to give me a semblance of a normal fanjo) when DS was a year old, perineal scar revision when he was 2 1/2. Since then have tried to cope womanfully with after-effects. Dx'd with prolapse a year or so ago, maybe longer. Prolapse worsened this past year. Went back to GP, was referred back to my original surgeon, who took a look and said "oh dear - I don't do those" :o and speed-referred me to another lovely surgeon whom I saw Weds.

Just as an aside - does anyone else come over all otherwise when a young (around my age), very very nice, good-looking surgeon has to rummage around in your bits? I suppose I'm happy he's not some grumpy old arsehole without any bedside manner... but ....

So. Abdominal hysterectomy (uterus, cervix and tubes), bladder lift (TVT) and enterocele repair.
I can't keep my uterus. I asked, and he said that he would be willing to try, but given the degree of prolapse and amount of wrongness in my down-below, and that my work is very physical and I'm otherwise very active, the risk of failure is high enough that he wasn't keen on it and I would have to be prepared to be back in 5-10 years for the full deal anyway. Honestly, no thanks... but...

My poor uterus. Please don't laugh at me but I'm already grieving for it. It's done nothing wrong. All it did was grow the most wonderful baby ever, and try its best to get him out, not helped in any way by my cunt of an incompetent midwife and the OB who let me go on pushing for ever and then yanked DS out with forceps. Exploding my bits in the process. I feel like Gollum in "The Hobbit". "Fucking midwife and OB... we hatesssssss it foreverrrrrrrr".

I'm so sad and angry.
Seriously? It's come down to this? I have to give up an organ because of one monumentally fucked up birth?

This shouldn't be happening. I mean, in the grand scheme of things (whatever the fuck that means) it's no big deal - I will be fine, DS is fine, everybody is fucking fine!!!!! - and other things shouldn't happen either, babies shouldn't die, nobody should get cancer, and all of those things are much much worse than what's happening here, I need to keep that in perspective... but dammit, seriously?????

I feel like I should apologize to my poor uterus. It's not my fault, it's not its fault, and we're both crying :(

Sorry to be such a drama-llama. I'm just so upset.

[dontlaugh]

I am so sorry, couldn't read that and not reply.
I think a second opinion would be most advised. Big hugs to you.

[badtemperedaldbitch]

Ahh bless you. I know it's difficult to get your head around it, when things aren't as they should be.

My dd was ivf after 13years of trying, then the minute I produce a beautiful baby they tell me I need a hysterectomy!

I panicked and said no...... Tried everything... Even drugs that aren't legal for women to use.

You just have to get your head around how it's going to be for YOU.

9 years later I've finally agreed to our let them take the ovaries....but I'm keeping everythingelse

You will come to terms with it

[DameFanny]

You're allowed to be upset. However I have no great love for my uterus after what it's put me through over the years so probably not best placed to offer comfort.

[MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour]

I'm sorry jack, that sounds awful

And you are not being at all drama llamary, of course you have a right to be upset

I haven't been through this so I have no useful advice but I have had to come to terms with becoming severely disabled, and one of the best pieces of advice I had was to let myself wallow for a while. To let myself be upset and not try to 'look on the brightside' as I try to do usually, but to set myself a time limit for wallowing and then try to accept things and move on. Of course it's never as simple as that but I did find it really helped allow myself to do that without thinking 'but it could be so much worse'

[BumgrapesofWrath]

Haven't got any personal experience, but I've looked at options for someone else.

Is there any way you can keep your cervix? The reason I ask is I have heard of women having difficulty orgasming after cervix removal.

[Jacksmania]

Well, I certainly won't miss my periods :)

But the rest is hard to deal with.

Re: second opinion - this Dr I was referred to was the second opinion and as upset as I am, I'm satisfied with what I've been told. Between him and my original surgeon I do feel I'm in good hands and understand the reasoning.

I should probably add, I'm not in the UK. I'm on the West Coast of Canada. Our procedures may be different from yours. Rings "not in UK" bell. :)

[Natmu]

I'm normally a bit of a lurker but couldn't read your post and run. I can't imagine what you've been through and how horrendous and angry you must feel about the whole thing. I don't have much useful to say other than the fact that I have a friend who had a hysterectomy when she was in her early 30's and is mentally and physically fine now. Just wanted to offer sympathy. Your wonderful wonderful baby will see you through it all.

[Shakey1500]

Fucking right you're upset and angry/raging about it all.

I can join you on the horrendous birth/ having baby ripped out of fanjo/4th degree tear/incontinence/4 fucking operations over two years/two years WITHOUT SEX WHATSOEVER/fucked up down-below-ards.

But that's where my journey ends. It was finally "assembled" into a working fanjo. I say working, I mean I can have if we get in the right position sex again. Aesthetically it's car crash material. I'll never wear a tampon again and a cough or a sneeze automatically has me clutching and hoping for the best

I'll be frank- did you want more children and feel robbed? For me, I knew I only wanted one and was happy to say "STERILISE ME NOW!" just before my second operation. Just my experience but I could understand if anyone felt they'd like more despite the butchery (because let's face it, that's what it's akin to)

Probably because of not wanting any more kids I'm on the "fuck it, it is what it is" bus and generally plough through it. I don't look at my fanjo anymore, DH doesn't appear too bothered and I'm mostly content.

I understand about your "big scheme of things" BUT this is YOU and you're entitled to feel however the hell you like.

[Madsometimes]

You have every right to be angry and sad about this. You now need to go through major surgery. You will need a long period of convalescence. Part of you needs to be removed, not because of an unforeseen medical condition, but because of a preventable injury.

I really hope that you now make a brilliant recovery, and the op gives you a pain free life. Sorry, I don't know much about gynae stuff, but just wanted to let you know that you are right. What has happened is shite. If I were you, I would be crying too. However, having been through surgery myself which means indirectly no more children, you will get through this. Once you are better, your life will improve immeasurably.

You will climb trees, ride bikes, run, jump and keep up with your ds.

[Jacksmania]

at difficulty orgasming [worry]

[mrsfassbender]

I don't have any advice, just wanted to say you're not being melodramatic or over the top, sounds like you've had a rotten time of it. It is such a shame about your uterus, but focus on the repair and the bladder lift, and how good you will feel after that is all done.

And re young doctor

Hugs and all the best to you.

[Scout19075]

Oh JM. I had a horrible feeling reading the title this was you. I'm away and on phone right now but couldn't not send you ((hugs)).

[mrsfassbender]

I'm not an expert, but I really don't see how a hysterectomy will affect orgasm?!

[Jacksmania]

I was kind of old when I had DS (nearly 39) and our position was "let's start with one and see how it goes". After his birth and all that, neither of us wanted more - even if it had been physically possible (in the sense of not worsening all the problems) I didn't think I could go through it again.

DH had a vasectomy when DS was a 1.5 years old and that's been fine. If he hadn't and if he said to me now "I really want a second child" I think I would recoil in absolute horror at going through it all again.

But.

After the op, there's no more chance ever. Done.

I don't want to be pregnant. But it seems like everyone around me is pregnant, and no-one I know had this kind of problem.

I feel robbed in all kinds of ways. It doesn't even make sense to me.

[Jacksmania]

mrsfassbender :o

[Jacksmania]

(((((Scout)))))
Thanks :)

[fuckadoodlepoopoo]

I was left to push for more than 3 hours with both my children and then had intervention. I get stress incontinence and it feels like my insides are coming too far down when i cough. Should probably see the Dr again.

Poor you op. Why do they take the cervix and tubes?

[MaggieMaggieMaggieMcGill]

Jacks, you are totally and utterly one hundred percent allowed to be angry, crying, frustrated, anything!
Poor uterus

[Jacksmania]

Tubes, because it's been shown that a lot of ovarian cancers actually arise in the tubes. So it's one of those "might as well" things. I'm ok with that.

Cervix, because, if you leave it, there is a risk of later vaginal vault prolapse. He explained it quite well, and I have a medical background myself and what he said made sense, but I'm embarrassed to say I'm hazy on the details at the moment. Saw him Weds, and on Thurs went back to other surgeon to have a polyp removed from my cervix which involved a bit of sedation and my brain still feels fuzzy. It's been a heavy medical week.

[defineme]

I had to post because I found your post very impressive. You've had an unreasonably shitty time and you've kept your chin up, now you've got another hurdle and yes you're upset but I can tell you will keep on and you will survive.
Keep letting it all out here. life is so not fair. Dh and I have had our share of this kind of stuff and our motto is 'one foot in front of the other' because sometimes it's all you can do.
The dreamy dr that gave me 3d scans of my poorly womb as part of a research project used to do it very early in the morning as I came in before I went to work: sometimes he was still in the lycra he ran to work in...

[Pinot]

Jacks, I thought this might be you. I'm sorry, lovely.

I think you should go for some counselling. You have every right to feel angry, but I do think you'd be better equipped to deal with coming to terms with the situation of you had help.

[NorthernLurker]

You are absolutely not being overly dramatic about this. You've been through a lot and now you need a major, life-changing operation. Crying is the sensible response! Poor uterus, it did it's best.
Surgeon sounds good and the way you are now is clearly not sustainable so I guess you need to go for it but I would gather as much info on here as possible about the best options within the option iyswim. Then go for it, mourn for that part of your life and then try to move on to the next part of your life - where your son has a healthy mum who can bounce on trampolines with him without worrying about her insides dropping out.

[tethersend]

That's awful

Have you been offered any counselling?

Is there no chance of taking action against the hospital where you had DS?

[PoppyWearer]

Sympathy Jacksmania, my births have not been as bad as yours sounds, but I have been dealing with a prolapse and the prospect of surgery for the past year or so. Things seem to have improved now but I am awaiting a new appointment to get the final verdict.

I think I will escape a full hysterectomy but a partial one may be on the cards.

Anyway, I am sorry you've had such a long ordeal, it sounds awful.

[PoppyWearer]

Sympathy Jacksmania, my births have not been as bad as yours sounds, but I have been dealing with a prolapse and the prospect of surgery for the past year or so. Things seem to have improved now but I am awaiting a new appointment to get the final verdict.

I think I will escape a full hysterectomy but a partial one may be on the cards.

Anyway, I am sorry you've had such a long ordeal, it sounds awful.