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So. The final verdict is, after all my poor bits have been though, I will need a hysterectomy. And I just can't wrap my mind around it. So angry and sad.

(88 Posts)
Jacksmania Sun 13-Jan-13 19:26:24

Title just about says it all.

Please bear with me, I am so angry and sad, so if I'm horrid and bitchy, I apologize in advance. And this will probably be long, but I need to get it off my chest.

The story of my poor knackered bits is probably all over MN, certainly on the Ragged Bits thread and I'm sure I've bored everyone to tears venting about DS's shitstorm birth (massively long unproductive labour, 4 hours + of pushing, forceps, 4th degree tear, incontinence, blah-de-blah-de-fucking-blah...). That was nearly 5 years ago. It's dragged on that long. I had an internal repair (trying to give me a semblance of a normal fanjo) when DS was a year old, perineal scar revision when he was 2 1/2. Since then have tried to cope womanfully with after-effects. Dx'd with prolapse a year or so ago, maybe longer. Prolapse worsened this past year. Went back to GP, was referred back to my original surgeon, who took a look and said "oh dear - I don't do those" grin and speed-referred me to another lovely surgeon whom I saw Weds.

Just as an aside - does anyone else come over all otherwise blush when a young (around my age), very very nice, good-looking surgeon has to rummage around in your bits? blush I suppose I'm happy he's not some grumpy old arsehole without any bedside manner... but <fans self> blush....

So. Abdominal hysterectomy (uterus, cervix and tubes), bladder lift (TVT) and enterocele repair.
I can't keep my uterus. I asked, and he said that he would be willing to try, but given the degree of prolapse and amount of wrongness in my down-below, and that my work is very physical and I'm otherwise very active, the risk of failure is high enough that he wasn't keen on it and I would have to be prepared to be back in 5-10 years for the full deal anyway. Honestly, no thanks... but...

My poor uterus. Please don't laugh at me but I'm already grieving for it. It's done nothing wrong. All it did was grow the most wonderful baby ever, and try its best to get him out, not helped in any way by my cunt of an incompetent midwife and the OB who let me go on pushing for ever and then yanked DS out with forceps. Exploding my bits in the process. I feel like Gollum in "The Hobbit". "Fucking midwife and OB... we hatesssssss it foreverrrrrrrr".

I'm so sad and angry.
Seriously? It's come down to this? I have to give up an organ because of one monumentally fucked up birth?

This shouldn't be happening. I mean, in the grand scheme of things (whatever the fuck that means) it's no big deal - I will be fine, DS is fine, everybody is fucking fine!!!!! - and other things shouldn't happen either, babies shouldn't die, nobody should get cancer, and all of those things are much much worse than what's happening here, I need to keep that in perspective... but dammit, seriously?????

I feel like I should apologize to my poor uterus. It's not my fault, it's not its fault, and we're both crying sad

Sorry to be such a drama-llama. I'm just so upset.

Jacksmania Sun 13-Jan-13 23:45:33

13 lbs??????????


shock Wow.

You know, I have frequently thought in the last 5 years that now I understand what they're talking about in books or stories or whatever, when they say someone "was never quite the same after giving birth".

"Never quite the same." I'll say.

Jacksmania Mon 14-Jan-13 20:28:05

Ugh. I really need to get a grip.
Apropos of nothing at all, someone at work asked me today how many children I have.
You know where that went, right?
I said I have one.
She said, "oh, that's not enough, you have to have a couple more! At least one!" Why the fuck do people say shit like that????? And I've had an only for five years, and have really never had much of that - some, but not that much - so why now?????

I'm feeling extremely sorry for myself today. "Pulling the duvet over my head and saying screw the world" kind of sorry.

<takes a deep breath>
<attempts to acquire a grip, somehow>
If anyone has one they don't need and can post mr, that would be lovely.
Otherwise I will shortly start drinking heavily and it's 12:27 here so that would be Not Good.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Mon 14-Jan-13 20:35:19

Amazing? Definitely, a good attitude and a fab sense of humor! and being great a faking

TackyChristmastreedelivery Mon 14-Jan-13 20:37:08

Oh love.

What a pile of absolute fecking shite you are having to live through right now! It sucks in a big way.

I think you'll find that, for the next little while at least, the whole world is a bitch from hell and everyone in it should feck off. Fair play to you.

If it is any consolation (and it won't be) I had 2 relatively straight forward births and, for obvious reasons, I can't sneeze/jump/move quickly and will ultimately prolapse for sure.

Lucky us.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Mon 14-Jan-13 20:47:39

Oh mate sad I think it's a bit like when you buy a car - you think 'Hmm, Lime Green, no one has one of these in the Lime Green, then when you get it - every fucker has one in Lime Green - in fact it's not that there are more of them this week than last, just that you now notice them, you care. Before you could shrug off the 'how many children do you have - Oh no, you can't have only one' comments because it didn't matter, you could choose to have another if you wanted to - it was a choice, now it's not and it HURTS. I think that even though you were undecided about another, had even really said 'no' to any more children, it was still a possibility, still a choice and I think it hurts like fuck when it's not your choice anymore sad x

Jacksmania Mon 14-Jan-13 20:55:57

I think that's it exactly. No more choice.

Dammit. sad

I hate the world and everyone in it today, except all of you and DS and DH. And my mum. And a few other people, probably.

<kicks something handy>

Jacksmania Mon 14-Jan-13 20:58:56

<reads back>
treedelivery, is that you???? Where have you been?

And lovesbeingwoken, thank you. I don't see the same thing you do, but thank you.
I'm trying to get through this with some semblance of grace, mostly because if I don't, I could easily become unbearable to live with rather than just bloody hard work and DH and DS deserve better.

ozymandiusking Mon 14-Jan-13 21:02:37

If you are having a total hysterectomy, you might as well have your cervix removed at the same time. it would just be one place left as a possible site for cancer, sometime in the future. I am not aware that its removal affects ones ability to orgasam!!!

Almostfifty Mon 14-Jan-13 21:22:16

God, have you been through it girl, what a horrid time you've had.

As regards your uterus, just think of it as an organ that is past it's use. You won't be using it again, and it's causing you hassle, so let them take it and make you better.

I had a full hysterectomy five years ago and I can honestly say (though I had nothing like your problems you poor lass) I have never, ever felt better or more healthy and fit since it.

I really hope this makes your life better and hope your body recovers fully after this.

PariahHairy Mon 14-Jan-13 21:27:05

So sorry for your situation Jacks, does sound very hellish, such a shame you can't sue the bastards angry.

They don't tell you what the consequences of a bad birth can be when you are pg do they?

I remember reading about a lady with a 4th degree tear when I was close to giving birth to my first, I had no idea anything like that could even happen shock.

I ended up with an emcs, think that story made my whole body clamp up, never mind my vag.

Hope you feel better after the surgery though, must take some coming to terms with.

DameSaggarmakersbottomknocker Mon 14-Jan-13 21:29:04

Blimey Jacks. That's a bit shit really. [understatement] I'm not surprised you feel the need to kick something.

<passes more gin>

IamtheZombie Mon 14-Jan-13 21:34:51

Oh, Jack. (((((((((( Zombie Hugs ))))))))))

Zombie has only just seen this. She doesn't know what to say.

Jacksmania Mon 14-Jan-13 21:44:01

<gratefully accepts Zombie hugs>
<and any others>

You know, it's totally ok not knowing what to say. thanks smile

There's a thread going in Feminism about the detrimental effects on women of childbirth and pregnancy. I've lurked a bit, it's fascinating reading. And a big slap in the face for all those wankers who opine that "pregnancy and birth is normal and natural and women do it every day" fuckheads all.
I've been tempted to link my thread on that one, but I don't know if it wouldn't be a bit extreme - what happened to me is definitely not the norm - plus shamelessly self-pitying.

Come to think of it, if anything, I should link the Ragged Bits threads on the one in Feminism. You want detrimental effects? Here ya go. Not for the faint of heart.

<kicks somewhat half-heartedly at desk>
<reaches for [gin] instead>

fengirl1 Mon 14-Jan-13 21:47:10

Hi Jacks, just wanted to say I had a hysterectomy last year at 46. The only thing that made me a little sad was to see follicles in my ovaries on a scan.... I too had prolapses and actually told anyone and everyone about it (although I didn't go into all of my symptoms) as I got into a bit of a crusade about prolapse for a while. I'm happy to say I feel hugely better after my repairs and hysterectomy. I hope you get there too.

cocolepew Mon 14-Jan-13 21:47:46

I sorry jacks, I have read some of your posts before.

After numerous gynae/bladder problems and a couple of operations I had a full hysterectomy in the summer. It was the best thing I could have done. Probably no consolation to you.
Good luck x

Jacksmania Mon 14-Jan-13 21:52:32

No, that does actually help. Positive stories are good!! Thanks to fengirl and anyone else who's had one and told me about it. I'm taking it all in, I really am.
Just sort of wallowing still sad and stuck in feeling angry.
I'm giving myself two more days to really kick things and be mad.
After that I make no promises about relapsing occasionally it's time to get on shakey's "fuck it, it is what it is" bus and get on with it.
Plus counselling of course. I'm not dumb enough to think I can sort this out by myself.

Can I ask what the recovery was like? The real nitty-gritty of the first week or so? That's what's giving me a wibble. Once I can walk again, I know I'll be fine.
Does it hurt a lot?

Eh, never mind me for a moment, I'm just going to hunt down some Kleenex.

PacificDogwood Mon 14-Jan-13 22:08:58

Jacksmania, how utterly shit for you. And your uterus.

May I just say that I strongly suspect you will be fine, but the end of it all. You are strong, you have a good head and sense of humour. You will grieve and then find a way to make your peace with the situation you find yourself with.

Yy about the removal of choice being the hardest thing.
My mum was 39 when she had her hysterectomy - she'd had 2 DC, we were in our teens, no way was she planning further children, and yet...

Totally fine to feel v angry about where you are now. And what got you here. Your labour/delivery sounds horrendous.

My only personal experience of surgery is 1 emCS and recovery was absolutely fine, but I don't think that that compares with an abdominal hysterectomy.
You may find it will take you longer than 6 weeks to recover to your full strength though. Pain can be controlled, general weakness and feeling wabbit takes however long it take IYKWIM.

<<hands Jacks a box of Kleenex>>

drjohnsonscat Mon 14-Jan-13 22:29:27

gawd that sounds awful. Honestly I take my hat off to you and all women who go through all this utter crap to bring the world babies. Why is the world not currently giving you and all the other women like you a standing ovation/gold medal/massive hug/large cheque?

You are not being dramatic. You should be able to give birth and remain more or less intact, not ripped to shreds on a permanent basis. Horrible that this happened to you but I salute you and your uterus for all you have done and congratulate you for having what seems to me to be a really good attitude to it. You are entitled to quite a bit of foot stamping after all that.

QOD Mon 14-Jan-13 22:41:09

People suck, someone asked me the other day if I had a coil, I said no, she said pill? I said no, she said well what the fuck do you use then? You don't make dh wear jackets do you?

I said no dear, I'm infertile

Twats grin

I'm sorry about your op, thank crap it's not for issues that will continue to affect your health, no nasties, damaged cack you need to get OUT to improve your quality of life x

Jacksmania Mon 14-Jan-13 23:05:02

Oh QOD, I am just PMSL at your post grin through tears but god, that was funny!!

Drjohnsonscat - thank you blush

Honestly, I think I'll be ok, too. Eventually. Just right now I feel like shit. And I'm usually big on sucking it in but thus is too big and keeping it all in doesn't feel healthy somehow.

Thanks for the hand-holding and gin and grins.

It all helps.

Jacksmania Mon 14-Jan-13 23:05:50

thus --> this

QOD Mon 14-Jan-13 23:09:14

She did feel bad which I kind of enjoyed

Happy to help ;)

Jacksmania Tue 15-Jan-13 02:48:47

Well deserved grin

So, in contrast to the orgy of self-pity, on an evening like this when I'm just one big draggy ache, maybe this isn't going to be so bad.


Meh sad

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Tue 15-Jan-13 06:08:07

In a while, yes you probably will look back and be glad you had it done, as soon else said maybe even the best thing you've ever done.

Nothing wrong with grieving in the meantime.

It is such an extreme exprience of what can go wrong at and after birth so I'm not surprise you feel like that. You will have good days and bads days. On e this is done the bad days should be minimal x

swisscottage Tue 15-Jan-13 12:50:28

I sympathise with you as I have been through the exact operation three years ago. I had a pretty bad uterine/vaginal prolapse due to a difficult birth, also cystocele and rectocele. I was perimenopausal when they mentioned they had to take my uterus out, (apparently it is in the way to perform the TVT and repairs), I did feel it was all so "final" and I felt quite upset that there would be no more babies. This was ridiculous as I was probably incapable of getting pregnant at this stage!!! I think it is totally normal to feel like you do, but years on, I am so relieved that I went through the operation as everything is like "new" down there!!! I had my cervix removed too and no problem there smile

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