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So scared about posting but need to do something about my drinking

(57 Posts)
Somethinggottagive Sat 17-Nov-12 21:00:10

It has taken me about a year to write this post. I have now for a long long time from reading these boards accepted that I have a problem. I want to be normal, want to have a drink or two now and again, but I can't. And I don't want to carry on like this.

I can't spend too long thinking about all there is to say that has brought me to this point, otherwise I will never ever click the button and finally finally finally say it out loud, even if just on the Internet.

On the outside, I am totally functional, 3 DC, lovely marriage, happy home, part time work....but I am haunted by by inability to control my drinking. Recently I have been able to control it more - nights off, no drinking in the week, but I still give in when I don't want to. And I drink fast, and I generally am always the one that drinks the most. And I had a night recently whe I drunk 1.5 bottles of wine on my own, and know that is pretty awful. My DH is lovely, but doesn't get how bad it is (generally unobservant plus I lie about my alcohol consumption).

I am having CBT for anxiety, but I have had this moment of clarity today that my anxiety is so much a mental health problem cause by my drinking. Bt I am so scared of going next session and telling my therapist that it is alcohol that is the real problem in my life, and anxiety is secondary. But I know I probably should?

Also, should I not even thinking about 'moderation' in getting on top of my alcohol issues? Should I be thinking only of abstinence? When I was pregnant and followed very strictly the '1 or 2 units once or twice a week' ( as it was then) I was in my ideal world - I learnt that actually a small glass of wine when iut for dinner was all I wanted (I would then get full and tired and that kne glass had fully satisfied me), one small glass of champagne at a wedding, and then having coherent conversations and waking uo hangover and GUILT FREE made my world a very very happy place. And it was am awakening, I drunk, and could look forward to a glass of wine, but in complete moderation with no consequences (I know some dispute re drinking in pg but I w sticking to the guidelines at the time, and don't want to have a conversation about that now) how have I let myself get back here?

I used ti be a very heavy smoker and I ave managed to stop entirely. I believe I can conquer my problems with alcohol, because I have done it with smoking (I don't underestimate how bloody awful it will be, I say this because I tell myself this to feel hopeful rather than 'can't do anything about it so may as well keep drinking).

My mum was/is an alcoholic but she has not drunk for 10 years or so. I admire her, but yet there were some awful awful times when I was younger which I still feel very very angry about. The one thing in the whole world that k want is to not do the same to my kids.

I a not sure the point of my post, I just know I have got to the point that I can say all this. I never thought I would even get this far. I know I have a problem - it has taken me a long time to accept this but I am now finally there. It is what to do now. I have read so many posts that say AA...but the thought of that terrifies me so much, that I think it would prevent me from tackling my problem. Is it not the case that there are all different kinds of treatment methods, including CBT? Should I start with my current therapist? Should I go back to the GP?

I am waffling, this is long and I am about to chicken out and delete and carry in drinking wine and watching the xfactor. I feel pathetic, but please be kind, I am very very very scared. And j have also (I hope) namechanged.
I guess I really want some advice on where to go next....

Thank you.

Somethinggottagive Mon 19-Nov-12 21:06:34

Tribpot - that is so weird! I have that with smoking. I often dream I am smoking and wale up livid with myself to think I have blown it all- only to feel overwhelmed with relief when I realise it was just a dream! Oh to have that with booze!

Totally fine with not drinking tonight. Have had an alcohol free beer, about to eat and Ihave no craving. I am worried about Friday when we are going to friends for dinner. It is billed as a v boozy night and so am worried about it now. But today is today.

Basically 10 days ago I would be SO looking forward to this night - though also anxious re how much of the alcoholic me I would 'expose', but now I feel a) how will i manage but perhaps more strongly b) I feels sad that this will no longer be a massive fun night. I won't be the me they expect me to be. But then...I only have totl think of how I would feel on sat morning as a result of uncontrolled drinking....

Thank you tribpot.

tribpot Mon 19-Nov-12 21:13:24

Great - well, that's something to aim for, the drinking nightmares grin

As a personal preference, I wouldn't drink an alcohol substitute; in my case I think it would set the associations off again. And alcohol-free wine is an abomination anyway!

Plenty of time to think about how best to tackle the dinner party in the day time when you will be less anxious about it.

Somethinggottagive Mon 19-Nov-12 21:31:18

I wondered that re the alcohol free beer. Thing is I do not drink normal beer - and I would never drink alcohol free wine yuk! So it sort of is less of a substitute. But what I like about it is that it still feels a treat at the end of the day. Although it is alcohol free I would never have it at a time of day that I would not have alcohol (eg breakfast or lunchtime when kids at school) which I would with tea, coke, water, OJ or anything else that I would Substitute for alcohol. Which is why it works so well to beat that demon craving during that kids gone to bed hour. Perhaps it is ok as a crutch for now?

Am on to the tea now!

tribpot Mon 19-Nov-12 21:44:12

Yes, alcohol-free beer at breakfast would be deeply odd, wouldn't it?! In theory nothing wrong with it but in reality just quite wrong smile

I didn't drink normal beer either, so did think about having the alcohol-free one but - as I say, personal preference - decided against.

presceccoilove Tue 20-Nov-12 11:14:16

my friend told me the other day he had stopped drinking for over 3 months, now this is a hardened drinker who has drunk for 30 plus years, talk about shocked, he has lost weight, he looked good, he was happy, he has had an addiction for so long I could not believe he could ever stop. But he has and is now driving his 'drinking' friends to the pub. So I thought to myself, he has done this all on his own, no help, can I do it? To right I can, and I am going to take his inspiration and help myself as I also have a wine problem, I love it, but I know it is bad for my health. I keep thinking if he can do it, so can I.
Just wanted to share this with you OP. Good luck.

Somethinggottagive Tue 20-Nov-12 13:05:59

Thank you presceccoilove (I like your name - I love it too). That is inspiring. Very good luck to you too. So many of us, it is so amazing to suddenly know I am not alone.

tribpot Tue 20-Nov-12 13:33:41

I think it's far more common than we realise. Because alcohol is so pervasive in our society (as you'll start to notice when you're not drinking it!) it's pretty easy to cross the line between drinking and problem drinking. Its ready availability in supermarkets means it's very easy to drink in private as well. (Not that I'm advocating its removal from supermarkets - I used to live in Sweden where the sale of alcohol is much more controlled, and it didn't stop me, or virtually anyone else, from drinking too much!)

If you have the chance to get a healthcheck through work, it's worth doing partly for the horror stories you can hear from healthcare professionals. (Admittedly the guy who did my last one used to be a rehab nurse in Glasgow). He said that in his experience, women could very quickly go past the point of no return with drinking - at a level that many men would be able to sustain for many years. He had seen women go into rehab with basically no chance of survival sad

Now I'm not suggesting any of us, even I, are in imminent danger of dying in rehab. But I think we would all have wanted to address the problem sooner if there were better ways of measuring the amount of damage being done. My PCT has just launched a campaign about drinking and it features an 'ageing calculator' (click on the clock to access it). It takes a massively unflattering picture of you and then shows you how even more massively unflattering it would be if you did ten years of hard drinking grin

I also think it's very, very easy - unless you are an exceptionally light drinker - to be drinking over the recommended units in a week. Even if it's only a bit over.

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