Just feel can't cope anymore.

[PermaShattered]

I'm feel so utterly knackered mentally and physically. I have 4 gorgeous children, I'm so blessed with them. They're aged 11 down to 6months. The baby is the worst sleeper of the lot so I'm constantly sleep deprived which is part of the cause I know. I restarted freelance work (writing) two weeks ago, and my DH does long hours and I never know when he's going to get home.

My 9yr DD came back from a school resi trip today, was so good to have her back, I knew she was missing me and home etc so much and I have been worrying about her. LIfe is a constant juggle, I'm constantly in and out of the car. Late this afternoon the baby was v unsettled and I was juggling him with sorting out 9yr old luggage, tea for the babies, vacuuming, sorting clean washing, etc etc. The usual stuff.

As it was my 9yr old's return, my husband went to pick up a chinese after we put our baby boys to bed. By the time he got home they were both (unusually for one) screaming and i was shuffling between getting the two settled in two different rooms, settling argument between my girls, getting cutlery and plates out and i'm just a total zombie.

So i snapped. I had no control over myself and i attacked my DH, picked up what i could and threw it across the room and just said/shouted, I can't cope any more. I just can't do it anymore.

And that's really how i feel. I just can't cope. Feel like i have no mental stamina left. SO i feel an utter utter failure and they will all be better without me. ANY advice, reassurance this is (occasionally) normal from anyone out there would be so comforting. Right now, i want to walk out the house and not come back. And I text my sister earlier to say i feel like cutting myself.

[PermaShattered]

reposting this in depression talk forum - just found it

[livlov]

Hey!!! Dont be worrying about blowing your top! It happens to the best of us...... you have your hands full!Do you have any support from family or friends?
I never used to ask for help because i thought it would make me look needy and useless, but to be honest everyone needs some help, and now i ask if it means i get a break! Perhaps you could pay a cleaner once a week which would lessen the load? I think working and juggling motherhood is way to much, and i dont mean to offend any men here, but they rarely do a days work and then come home sort the kids, feed us and clean the house do they???????