Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any medical concerns we suggest you consult your GP.
How can I get my DH to the docs to check a mole?(37 Posts)
In complete contrast to my other inane thread about hair dye...
my DH has a mole on the back of his knee which I noticed for the first time the other day. I mean, I don't exactly go examining his knee. However I have now noticed it, and he tells me he has been aware of it for about 18 months. So, it is new.
DH has several large moles on his body. He is self conscious of them and that is the extent of his worry. So he says. But when I have in the past tried to talk about him getting them checked, he has become quite defensive and I suspect he is not so much worried, but embarrassed about them. I can see those ones though, and secretly, well not secretly but not overtly have kept an eye on on those over the years, they have not changed that I can tell, but I am not a doc.
But he has this new mole. Uneven, growing (in that I have not noticed it before now) DH knew straight away what I was referring to, which means he has also 'noticed' it, rather than knowing it was always there.
I have tried again to get him to see a GP. this time he conceded maybe he should. I tried to talk about the reasons and what might happen (they will just get him to check it every few years, go to a skin specialist, remove it). And his response is 'they will just want to remove all of them' in a clearly 'i dont want them to' tone. and went on with 'i know what will happen, I know why i need to get it checked. yeeeeees.'
But, he has not. It has been one week (not quite, 6 days). And when I asked if he will make a gp appt he says stopp hassling. I know I should, but I have asked him for years to just get them looked at and get registered with specialist etc who can keep an eye on them so if they change they get spotted immediately and he just wont.
What do you do to get your DH to the docs?
My DH had something similar but more embarrassing/less scary - a huge boil on the bum.
I made him the appointment, and drove him there. Refused to take no for an answer. I think making the arrangement was the bit he struggled with, because with it all sorted he went in happily.
Prob is, he won't do that. He will see it as me 'taking over' or 'not letting him do it in his own time, in his own way' etc.
Also, he has a jerk of a doc, who he has been registered with for like 20 years. As it happens it has not mattered to him that this gp is a jerk, because he has, in the 13 years I have known him, been to the gp once, last year with a throat infection. But the gp is a known jerk in the community.
I have said to him, change to our (mine, DCs) doc, either him or the other doc are good docs, I will do it all for you, fill the forms in etc. He even knows my doc as he has taken our children to him. But he says 'i will do it' just does not.
Tell him its possibly skin cancer and left untreated is one of the biggest killers in men!
I know this can be shocking but if he loves you and the dc he will do something about it.
Hopefully it will turn out to be harmless.
I don't know really.
Perhaps it is one of those things he does need to do himself, ie if you step away and allow him to take back control, he will do it. But not if he thinks you are 'watching'.
OTOH he may not. I wonder if it would be OK just to accept this - that in the end it is up to him, though it isn't very fair on you. That's probably what some people would do though it's not comfortable to relinquish any say.
You could try reminding him that he signed up to marry you and you signed up to marry him, and this includes the bit about in sickness and in health and if he doesn't get it sorted out now, it's likely to be a far worse prognosis if it is dodgy, and you will be the one seeing him through heavy duty treatment, possibly even losing a husband - be fairly blunt about it.
Get cross about it. He needs to know he's being selfish and it's not acceptable.
Obviously you know that early melanoma is 98% curable, while later on it's among the highest rates of mortality of any cancer...I know all about that having lost someone to it a couple of years ago.
Make an appointment for him, tell him to man up and stop being a dick. Remind him to check his balls too!
Tell him to get it checked out.
BIL died at 47 leaving 14 yr old daughter and 12 yr old son.
Totally devastating to their and extended family.
Hey thanks everyone for your help.
It is just not getting through. I have not go so cross that I refuse to talk to him yet but I am considering it.
I have told him it could be serious. I have told him bluntly that exactly* foubi* that if he goes and gets it removed, likely all is well, and asked him if he is aware of the likelihood of dying of skin cancer if he leaves it. He says 'yes yes, stop going on about it'.
yesterday I asked if he has made the appt yet and he said 'oh ffs (angry) i knew you would bang on about that again' and I said 'yes and will continue to do so until you make an appt with the gp and go to it'. I was so frustrated, I got the phone, and attempted to my GP, who unfortunately was engaged until our friends turned up! And DH was saying 'don't you bloody dare do it, do not do it. I am not ready, i will do it when i am ready. I am not ready.' The only reason I asked if he wanted to wait until he had terminal cancer to be ready was because DD was around.
I am getting quite cross. And more so, because clearly he is a bit worried about it himself.
foubi but, I have asked him for a long time to get his moles checked. Not this new one, but his other ones, which are very very much the type of moles that must be checked regularly. Uneven, raised, dark, unusual etc. He has always said 'yes yes i will' and has never done it. Years.
if it is something that needs addressing, should i simply sit back and watch? If the ultimate cost of that could be him leaving me and his children on our own? I mean, yes that it likely a complete dramatic over-exageration and he is in fact absolutely fine. But, that tiny chance that it is not, it is making me quite upset.
Pav, I'm really sorry. (changed name but saw you were asking me, it's me again)
The thing I was trying to say was that however much YOU try and do, however cross tyou get, or nag him, or do it for him, ultimately it's up to him.
You must make your boundaries clear and say, look, I will be taking care of you, if you have cancer, and I will be caring for our children if you die.
Therefore you are being a selfish so and so if you don't try and get it sorted sooner ather than later. I am SCARED of what could happen and frankly if you don't care that I'm scared, then I find it hard to feel secure in your love for me and the children.'
It's all you can do. He IS being selfish, he is clearly facing a mental block over this, and it sounds like he can't go by himself, can't face the possibility of having cancer, he just can't do it. Do you think there could be a deeper reason - has he lost someone close to cancer?
I was so upset when I lost someone that for months I refused to have smear tests, refused to see the GP about anything in case it was cancer, because I had just been through it with my friend and couldn't deal with the fear if it happened to me. My father had a mole investigated shortly after she died and my parents didn't tell me about it initially as they knew I would fall apart.
Luckily he was fine, and they still told me before we knew that which I didn't appreciate as I freaked out.
I am a bit less freaked out now, but there could be a deep seated fear stopping him facing reality.
In which case maybe it isn't right to get very cross.
You can't make him do it, you don't have control over his actions, but you can tell him honestly how it makes you feel.
My guess is eventually he will go and have it checked. I wish there was something I could tell you to say that would make him do it, but there isn't. [hug]
sarah (loved your posts on the 'Other' thread btw. spot on, agree 100%). He has lost his dad, not to cancer, 6 years ago, but likely due to not going to the bloody doctors soon enough. But i have lost my mum to cancer, 4 years ago. She possibly did not go to the docs quick enough/it was not investigated quickly enougn because she/docs thought she had horrible stomach bug (ovarian cancer). Probably would not have been able to save her anyway. His mum had breast cancer 25yrs+ ago and she is still live and well aged 78 having got it treated very quickly.
Oh I don't know what to do. As I said before, he has been to the docs like once in 10 years, maybe even more than that. He just does not do 'sick' and luckily he is strong as an ox so has been able to ride through bugs that would have me running to the gp!
He absolutely hates hospitals too. For not real reason that I can tell. Maybe something has happened to him that he cannot fully recall, from when he was young? Or maybe he is just acting selfishly.
Moley people do develop new moles, it can be overkill and cause unnecessary worry to get them checked too often, tbh (I know, not an opinion shared by all!). Is it fast growing, OP? That's the most common sign of a dodgy mole.
Is there really no way to see a different doctor from the one down as regular doc? Our surgeries are somewhat flexible in that regard. Or could you even change doctor surgery?
flat he has never had his moles checked. Not once, maybe when a child. The one on the back of his leg, it is unusually shaped, it is new in that I have not noticed it before now and I am relatively observant and DH himself said it was relatively new. He said 18 months, but I am sure that is accurate. It looks new if that makes sense (probably not).
Changing docs - easy. All I have to do, or all he has to do is pick up the phone to my gp surgery and make an appt. while he waits to see the gp, he fills in a form and hands it back to the receptionist who registers him. It is really easy.
Thankyou Pavlov, about the other thread. I am so sorry that you lost your Mum, that's awful
It could be that he is still repressing something from long ago, maybe his Dad's attitude was passed on to him, he has an aversion to hospitals and doctors...I can relate to that! The thing is IF he goes and gets this thing looked at, he will then not be in control - he will be under other people's control, have appointments, have to be subjected to examinations, treatment.
Something in him is strongly resisting this. It's not too hard to understand why that owuld feel like a threat, he may feel it would take his strength away somehow and he would cope better dying without diagnosis or treatment than actually submitting to other people's control in this way. He is afraid of feeling weak.
It's just a theory. And I don't have an answer to it. But I am really sorry that you are going through this, you must feel quite alone.
Saying that yes it is still rare to have melanoma. So the chances are good, that it isn't.
let us know how you get on and feel free to rant on here.
sarah there may well be something in that in terms of his dad's attitude being passed to him and him not wanting to lose control - he he dislike being told what to do by others and often kicks back when pressed to do something. His dad was a stubborn old mule too!
I will see what happens over the next week and keep an eye on things myself too in terms of mole spotting!
There has been an amazing TV camapaign recently here in Aus - got me back to the GP for a skin check.
I'll see if I can find any links on Youtube.
If he's anything like my dh you need to feed hom a bottle of vodka, slog him on the back of his head and hope he doesn't wake up on the way to the doctors.
I've been trying to get dh to the doctor for several months with a mole. He justv thinks the probability of something being wrong is small so it won't be. <sigh>
If he absolutely won't agree to go and get it checked, could you get him to SELF monitor it (with your help) - take photos, measure it etc.? That way, any changes to it over the next few weeks will be obvious & undeniable which should help convince him that a formal check is required (and he'll have something concrete to report to doctor too).
I read too many times of men who died through fear of going to the doctor. He owes it to you, your children and himself to make sure he is always in as good a state as he can be.
At the vert least take a photo of it right now and measure it. You will be able to track if it gets bigger. If it changes in size or colour or becomes itchy he must go to his GP.
Remove a luxury from his life, deny him marital pleasures, confiscate his car keys, just make sure he books to see the GP, which ever one he likes
ok quick post. He tells me, after a heart to heart yesterday that he is scared. He said that my reaction scared him, that cancer scares the hell out of him. He said ; i know what will happen, i will go in, then before I know it I will be under the knife/being prodded and poked...'
I said 'if you are worried, that is why you HAVE to go. If it is something sinister they will whip it off, end of, but if he leaves it because he is frightened he could die. I said it is unlikely a sinister mole but needs to be checked.
He does understand, I just don't know if/when he will go. I have told him he MUST go soon. I will go with him if he wants, and to any other appts if req. I told him if it needs to be looked at further I will be there whatever.
fab I asked if it is itchy - 'sometimes' was his answer. He and I are going to both keep an eye/ I suspect it has been there for not as long as his now '2 years' statement.
Just a thought, if he wont go to the docs, would he go to somewhere like a Mole Clinic? Not 'the dr', not his twattish doc...?
Check out Superdrug, they have some stores where the Mole Clinic run clinics LOCATIONS HERE. OK, you'd have to pay, but might work as a lateral approach?
Obvs if anything looked amiss, he's just be referred to his GP, but maybe an 'expert' saying it would be more objective and carry more weight with him?
Please have him go to the GP this week and then have a nice dinner together that night.
It scares everybody . He's only human to be scared!
I think go gently gently with him, be very sympathetic, help him to face his fears, don't go all harsh. If the worst happens (it is malignant) he needs to feel as in control as possible to have the best prospects of recovery; he won't feel that way if you've coerced him to go.
I've read some awful things about Mole Clinics, btw, I strongly don't believe they do any good. But NHS is good, go with NHS people (get more definite answers, for a start).
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.