**t*a*m*o*x*i*f*e*n** number 14

[MaryAnnSingleton]

here we go !

[SparkleRainbow]

We didn't make 13 last until Halloween...not surprised by that really

[topsyturner]

Should have been Tamoxifen 13 - Part 2 !

[MaryAnnSingleton]

oh yes ! didn't think of that

[Figgyroll]

I don't like the no. 13 - consider it v. unlucky. This is a recent thing, like not even considering having a green car (sil said it was unlucky), not walking under ladders, that sort of thing. I never used to give these things a second thought but I think it's something to do with the diagnosis. So I quite like the thought we're now on thread 14.

Topsy, hope your birthday is going well (apart from the chemo that is). Not far to go now.

Pink, radiotherapy isn't as bad as chemo but I'm finding it physically exhausting going to and from the hospital every day. Do you have a long journey every day? Ouch, at having another tattoo.

Today's rads didn't go according to plan (after yesterdays successful session). Apparently my shape has changed and they couldn't get me lined up so a senior rad lady had to come in and do a bit of complicated maths calculating to get the right measurements. I was just grateful I didn't have to go for another CT scan and a replan.

I'm not sure why but today on the bed while it was all being done I found myself thinking of mum and got myself in a bit of a state culminating in me sobbing my heart out by the time they were through. Luckily I kept it under control during the actual rads. The staff were lovely but I was very . For those that don't know, I lost mum suddenly at the end of January and was diagnosed with my bc three days later so it was all a blur for a few months after. I think I've been so busy dealing with my bc that I haven't really dealt with the loss of my mum. DH and I went to a lovely place for lunch on Monday and I started remembering when I last took mum there and, when he got back to the table, he found me in tears. I think it's a delayed reaction thing - even typing about mum has me welling up. Not sure what to do about it though - maybe just get it all out of my system?

[topsyturner]

Aach figgy .
< reaches out and hugs figgy >
I am sure it must be all catching up with you now . You poor thing . Don't worry about the Rads ladies , they will have seen it all .
Be kind to yourself .

[amberlight]

Delayed reaction, definitely. There's no right or wrong way to feel or time to feel it after a much loved person leaves our lives.
Have a virtual and a hug/bracing pat on the shoulder (delete as appropriate) and some to look at to take your mind off for a moment....

[pinkstarlight]

aww figgy that brought tears to my eyes the last few months have just gone in a worldwind and im sure it must be the same for you.you are going to get moments like that i still do 6 years later after my dad died especially when im feeling sick or low.i read somewhere that rads can make people overly emotional either during or a couple of weeks after so just be prepared.you never had the chance to grieve properly sounds like you need to let it out and have a damn good cry.

[MaryAnnSingleton]

I think it's absolutely normal figgy,to have it suddenly come and hit you-especially after all you've been through with treatment -you're on the last stretch now and able to breathe a bit and obviously your grief for your mum must come out- just let it flow-it's the best thing to do. Have a big hug from me

[SparkleRainbow]

Oh Figgy I am so sorry I was not here yesterday, I do hope you are feeling better today. I lost my dad 8 years ago, and I can still get emotional about it even now, so of course you need to cry, and you need to not feel about crying. You have been through so much this year, it is completely understandable, I think you are an amazing strong person. Big hugs and a morning coming your way.

[janemacer]

Echo who sparkle says. Hugs to Figgy and everyone else who feels in need of one.

[janemacer]

Think the tamoxifen has kicked in (day 20) Woke in night very hot and now tired and emo this morning...

[topsyturner]

smee - you have probably headed off already , but sending all my positive thoughts for your op today . Hope everything goes smoothly .
Update us when you feel up to it , we shall be waiting with sticky buns and

[topsyturner]

Hugs to jane too . Not going down the Tamoxifen route myself , but you have my sympathy . I may have an extremely large bar of choccie in the fridge that I may be breaking out when the last child has headed off to school ...

[cakesandale]

Figgy, it is totally normal. Rads really can make you feel blue anyway (they sure did for me) and you haven't had chance to grieve yet. Absolutely let it all out. If that doesn't work, lots of people have a spot of counselling post BC so the system will be in place if you need it, but I doubt you will, this is all just stuff that needs to flow.

Janemacer - tamoxifen SEs are a git. Where to start? There are so many potentially that i now use it as a catch all for everything.

Was it Pink or Figgy who recommended the Koppaberg non alcolholic cider yesterday? On your recommendation I tried it. They only had the pear kind but it is scrummy.

[MaryAnnSingleton]

how really sad about Steve Jobs- I adore my mac,it's fab.tragically young age to die.
Am off to do some work,but thinking of smee and also hoping that figgy is feeling better today. The end of rads was really,really difficult for me- I would have wept a lot if I do crying (sadly I find it very hard to let go) I can remember going out to lunch one day and feeling totally plunged into gloom-horrible.

[SparkleRainbow]

Ooo smee it is today, and I didn't wish you good luck earlier. I am thinking of you, hope to hear from you in a couple of days...positive thoughts are winging their way to you.

MAS - 56 is very young isn't it.

Jane - SE are a bummer, sorry you are suffering. Hope you are ok today,

Love to all
x

[cakesandale]

Sparkles - thanks for the milk advice on thread 13 - I'm going to try it because I've washed the shirt and it still looks crap

Poor Steve Jobs. No age at all.

[MaryAnnSingleton]

mini Twirl bite anyone ?

[janemacer]

mmmm yes please. Time for a

[topsyturner]

Have so far eaten - weetabix with hot milk , last nights left over roast chiken dinner , 3 eclairs (cream inside them helps my heartburn ) , pretzels .
And am now about to mooch around the kitchen and see what else I can find .
I blame the crappy weather .

[amberlight]

Good luck Smee!!

Yes please for twirl bites and . Need to do some serious thinking about property reports and my brain is fried.

[pinkstarlight]

smee...hope everything went ok,sending lots of positive thoughts your way.

figgy..hope your feeling alot better today,its not that far to my hospital but takes out a chunk of your day iykwim.

jane..dont talk to me about hot flushes there a pain,i never know what to wear everyone else starts to wrap up and i strip off.

topsy...its a really good thing you can eat i was terrible on chemo,no wonder my bloods were always bad.

rads was much quicker today was a little early and they took me straight in, i could hear others grumbling in the waiting room though lol.then got sent to go and get bloods taken was able to walk straight in there to.i hope its going to be that quick everyday.

[forpitysake]

Hello...I've just wandered in to say hi and share a or or whatever you're having. I've got consolatory chocolate waiting downstairs for me.

I had my core biopsy done yesterday and I'm waiting for the results. I won't find out until the 18th and it seems such a long time away

I'm swinging from feeling positive to floods of tears and I guess it's normal. I'm getting PMT too, so that doesn't help.

I've still got the dressing on and I've been so 'aware' of myself today IYSWIM ?

It sounds really stupid but I've been trying not to stretch/lean too far and I was worried about pulling the car door shut when I got in the car. I'm more scared now of very little twinge/discomfort I'm getting. Is it PMT/the lump? etc etc.

I feel like I'm going to be a right mess by the time I go back to the hospital!

Also, I didn't like the doctor I saw. Do you have to see the same one all the time or do you just see whoever is free? She had zero bedside manner and didn't even make eye-contact. I had the feeling she knew right away what was wrong with me and she subtely folded over the images so I couldn't see them and just gave me my new appt card and said they couldn't tell until the results came back.bye.shut the door on your way out.

how do you all stay positive while you're waiting?
The breast cancer care website has been useful for information but I don't know anyone who has been through this.

[topsyturner]

Hi forpitysake

We don't all neccessarilly stay positive the whole way through , You are allowed to have your dips and lows . It's almost impossible to stay positive through everything .
As long as you have someone to offload it all on , even if it's just on here .

The doctor who did my biopsy , I have never seen again . So don't worry about that . When it comes to results , I saw the consultant surgeon and the breast care nurse .

You will feel a little twingy from the biopsies . As long as your normal pain relief can take the edge off , then that should be nothing to worry about .
But any queries at all , you know you can phone one of the breast care nurses . Or just ask us , somebody on this board will have been there and done that , what ever it is !

[forpitysake]

thanks topsy - im in a total panic. i had pretty much convinced myself it was a cyst or something else small and relatively easily sorted. it looks like the lump is either fast-growing or its been there for a while and it would explain the discomfort id been getting. it looked so big on the ultrasound it seemed to taking up a lot of space inside my breast. i think thats what shocked me the most-the size of it. what i was feeling was only the tip of the iceberg so to speak.

ive got DH and some good close friends and my best mate came with me yesterday. i had wanted DH to come but it was too close to school time and they said he wouldnt be able to go through to the second waiting area cos of ladies in gowns so i just thought id go on my own. i was so grateful when they said she could come through with me cos i needed a hug near the end.

(there were men in there though - one even got marched in attached to a guard by handcuffs!)

the radiographer muttered something about fibroadenoma but she was vague about it. she was going to take 2 samples but then she frowned and said she needed 3. better than going back and having it done again i guess!

btw - your chocolate eclairs sound yum. i want one now but havent got any. bugger