Cocaine and alcohol addictions

[Littleblue]

Can anyone give me some advice.. I have a friend who is in freefall with both.. tried to go cold turkey and did loads of exercise etc..for five days.. then last night he downed a bottle of whisky , speed , wine and is still drinking..having driven to work.
He is resistant to seeing a Gp.. can anyone make any suggestions? I don't think sudden withdrawals a good idea..he is behaving very erratically..

[KilledBill]

Unfortunatly, there is no replacement treatment for cocaine addiction like there is for alcohol, heroin etc. Also, because of the very nature of cocaine / crack, that you have some and it makes you crave more and more straight after, its not possible to "wean" off it.

So for the cocaine, it will be cold turkey, but a treatment centre or drug counsellor could help with this. They could also refer for things like acupuncture, which some say helps with withdrawal.

As for the alcohol - if he is truely physically addicted he should in no way attempt to stop himself. It could kill him. He needs to see a doctor and be referred for help, replacement drugs or a reduction program.

[Littleblue]

He's drinking 24/7 atm.. his mother died of cirrhosis..and I think his fathers also alcoholic.. figured re that for the coke..but was unsure..thank you .. Have found a treatment centre in his part of the country..and tho it clashes with his work hours..how long he's going to have his job is debatable.. he took his clothes off in his office..and locked himself in.. my hope is that he will get sectioned if that stuff continues..or he will get pulled for drink driving.. something to remove his ability to sustain his supply..

[Elibean]

Does he actually want help?

If he does, but won't see a GP, give him the phone number for Alcoholics Anonymous or Cocaine Anonymous. He may have pre-conceived ideas about religion or do-gooders, but he won't find either - he'll just find other people who've been through it, won't judge, and will make practical suggestions.

If he's too scared to phone them himself, you could phone and get local meeting times/places, and take him to one - he needn't say a word, just sit and listen.

Or, get him to talk to the treatment centre without making any committment.

If he doesn't want help, doesn't want to stop, its going to be very hard if not impossible to do anything at all....except stand by for the moment when he 'crashes' and be ready to take him to treatment or a meeting then. Good luck, and don't hesitate to say if you need more info/numbers etc.

[Littleblue]

He has finally admitted he needs help.. and he never ever goes to the Gp.. despite collapsing with bleeding pancreas last year , he is terrified of doctors..... he's a classic case..booze wise.. he has a good job,I suggested he look at Big Issue sellers with an open eye.. many homeless people were where he is at not too long ago..
Believe you me..if i knew his licence plate I would shop him...
He's been extremely honest about how bad his addiction is... to himself..to me..and to his 17 yr old son... we are close friends.. I pull no punches.

[Littleblue]

I'm not trying to fix him..for him..im trying to show him how he can fix himself...

[Elibean]

Good for you, he's lucky to have a friend who pulls no punches - seriously.

Also good that he's admitting he needs help. Again, good luck - sometimes its down to just seizing the moment.

[KilledBill]

Well, to be honest, I would get the plate number and tell the police myself if I knew he was about to get into a car drunk. And I have sympathy for addicts. Really, if you know him that well, get the plate number or at least the make of the car and area he is in and tell the police if he drink drives again. Being arrested may well be the thing that wakes him up, and most people charged with drink driving are put on a detox program and education about the dangers of drinking program - rather than sent to jail. So you may get him the help he needs aswell as saving lives.

[Littleblue]

He lives over a hundred miles away..new company car..no idea what it is.. will think on it , but yes..will shop him if i can...
Ive had him on the phone from outside his dealers.. told him he can call me when he next comes down..not before.. not interested in hearing addictese for why hes there..

[Littleblue]

I am in love with the straight man.. and vice versa.. I won't see him coked off his face tho.. have made that clear... he's gotta get clean.

[Littleblue]

I'm so sorry Maryz.. I have four children.. he hasn't met them..nor will he unless he gets clean.. nor will I see him.. we started dating..and fell very much in love.. the connection is very deep and the coke showed up rapidly..he's been very open.. he doesn't want to see me til he's clean either.. at this point..he means it.. I'm not going to stop talking to him,and am not trying to mend him as I said.. I will not stop being his friend..
Is your son adult?..I have a 20 year old..at Uni.. can the health/social services help at all..?

[Littleblue]

I have.. one of my best friends quit coke ten years ago.. she said it was bloody hard..a nightmare..
My family have a wide streak of drinkers too..inc me tbh.. cognitive behavioural therapy is one resource..and hypnosis , but my friend whose now clean said that "coke is the mistress no woman can compete with"..cos its so hard to kick..
I wish you well..can hear your pain and desperation loud and clear..one hopes that as maturity sets in..your son wants more than addiction for himself.. you can do little but love him while he resists.. :(

[Elibean]

Maryz, I was addicted to heroin and cocaine for several years, in my early twenties. I know many, many 'recovering' addicts like myself who have got clean, and stayed clean. It really is possible.

I'm so sorry you are going through it with your son - awful for families, who are not numbed out (for the most part!) to witness and try and stay sane around.

There are supports systems in most areas for family members, as well as addicts - eg Famlies Anonymous, or AlAnon - I would strongly suggest checking them out, OP, they may well have wiser advice for you than I could possibly come up with (am too many years away from it all now to remember half the wisdom I once learnt!).

OP, I would seriously tell my beloved not to contact me until he had been to several NA, CA or AA meetings - or treatment - and had detoxed with the help of a doctor. It could be just the reality check he needs. If he can't do that, it may just not be the right time for him I'm afraid - he may need to get worse before he gets better. Very scary to watch, even from a distance, because sometimes people die instead

MaryZ, hoping the best for you and your son, and the rest of the family...if you have never contacted Famlies Anonymous, you may find they can help support you, suggest practical ways of coping, etc.

[Littleblue]

Will contact NA/CA... and makes some decisions as how best to deal with my role in this 'friendship'..thinking hard about your words..thank you.

[Elibean]

Good start, Littleblue, good for you. If its hard to know how to take care of you in the situation, do contact FA or Al-Anon too - they can give you good advice, and share their experiences. People do get well from addiction - but its very important for others around them not to 'enable' them to stay addicted. You will hear the words 'tough love' bandied about - almost tag words these days, but absolutely true.
Take care of yourself!

[Littleblue]

This is where I'm grateful it's a distance relationship..I've used the word friendship.. but were in love..and talk everyday he's not on a bender..and now he's been honest , he will call me when he's not quite straight too.. nothing to hide anymore.. not easy to hear it in his voice..but learning the pattern's and having that honesty will help me get the measure of the situation better..if that makes sense.Ie if he start's lying again..I will be able to tell.
The last thing I want to do is be part of his addicts sharade.. the delusional thinking he has built up to excuse his failure to kick it so far.. We have agreed on the souls bared stuff.. I will spend some time talking to various people..not sure I understand all the abbv you use re societies but have found
www.addictionadvisor.co.uk
and will call them too I think.. I didn't need this addition to the problems I face in my life.. but tho I won't walk away as such..I am dogged that he will face it..or I'm gone.. rip my heart out to do so..but I have to..I know that. :(

[Littleblue]

He's ex-army.. never talks about it..but the binge behaviour appears to have started when he left the Army.. I wonder...

[Elibean]

Yes, I would wonder too

NA is Narcotics Anonymous, CA is Cocaine Anonymous, AA is Alcoholics Anonymous. FA is for famlies of addicted people (or friends/lovers!) and Al-Anon for families/friends of alcoholics. They are all interchangeable, but my bet would be AA or CA would 'fit' best for your friend.

He may well need some trauma counselling, depending on what comes up if/when he stops drinking/using.

Its very hard, but do keep to your boundaries - it may feel as though your heart is being ripped out if you have to say 'no', but it isn't being. And you need your heart intact to cope with parenthood, life, the future No one wants to get dragged in to addiction chaos, but there is always a 'hook' and unless you stay well back - and aware of your own pull to rescue/fix him - its always possible you will get pulled in.

Here's my final bit of advice, I promise: if you do find yourself hooked in, don't beat yourself up - just go and get some help yourself. Google FA or Al-anon, and call them - or talk to one of the addiction agencies (some are more helpful/useful than others) about support for family/friends/partners.

[Littleblue]

He is a workaholic too.. has described his work ethic as an "emotional crutch".. I don't feel a pull to rescue him as such..I don't think I do anyway...I had a boyfriend in the past who was/is an alcoholic..and he leant on me,well tried to... but I listened to his value system and his excuses..and left him.. He is local , and we were drinking heavily when together(he was a counsellor before drink got him)...I have an addiction to alcohol myself..knew that if that continued I was in trouble...bigtime..but saying that..despite the odd joint at points along the way..hard drugs never had any attraction for me..despite being exposed to them socially on occasion when I worked in london etc..I'm at no risk to get pulled into any kind of scene..my bad habits are wine at night when the kids go to bed.. he has described me as "him 7 years ago"
I made some calls today.. thank you :-) and learnt a few things I didnt know already.. he has gone into silent mode again.. will be knackered..but I know the pattern with his benders now..when he's at his worst..he clams.. I'm fully expecting him to get the sack anyday.... hope he does , he will lose his company car..and his income fuels his habit.. :(
Ive been offered support from a local drugs support agency.. will follow that up if I feel I need to..atm , im fairly sanguine..bizarrely.. I knew there was a big hole in our relationship somewhere..I just didn't understand..the coke confession was a lightbulb

[Littleblue]

He has serious addiction issues.. is losing his home..and his son..thats not a flight of fancy..its a serious problem/disease.

[oxocube]

I'm afraid I'm with Mary on this one. Run. You have four kids. Just my opinion