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Angry at DH for being ill

(43 Posts)
Angrybutregular Sat 20-Aug-05 13:52:18

have changed my name

My DH has a chronic disease that gets worse and worse but is totally unpredictable.

Have just found out he is going through a particularly painful time (and debilitating) and I am really really angry at him. Not at the disease but at him and at fate and at life in general.

I know it is totally unfair of me, so don't tell me off, and I just want to know how other people seem to remain sympathetic when I'm just such a bitch

mancmum Sat 20-Aug-05 13:58:21

no way would I tell you off! Would say what you are feeling is totally reasonable as the life you probably imagined for you and your family is being limited by something totally out of your control... think anger and bitterness are totally natuaral responses -- guess it must be similar to bereavement and the various emotions that springs up... you can only hate the disease for so long without making it personal on your DH --- I guess he must feel all this as well... so my onlyt recommendation would be to make sure you off load here or elsewhere and not on him as I bet he feels all the same and with guilt thrown in too....

PeachyClair Sat 20-Aug-05 14:02:12

I feel the same about my DH from time to time, who has depression incidents- again, a serious chronic and unpredictable disease. I do feel angry at him sometimes, although I feel bad about that but I feel somewhat cheated I guess- this wan't what i signed up for! I don't think it's unusual to feel this way: you've been let down by the illness too you know, your life is affected by this as well.

Angrybutregular Sat 20-Aug-05 14:12:28

Thanks for empathy, I think I need that today

I understand the whole grief / bereavement analogy I've been doing this for 8 years now and it is totally relevant IMHO.

I think I've recently been lulled into a false sense of security because his health has been in the background so I almost convinced myself we were normal and would have a normal lifetime together and our kids would have normal parents bringing them up.

He has been generally annoying me recently and now this morning he admitted to having a bad time.

I don't actually think I want to do this any more. I want the 'normal' life I originally planned

mancmum Sat 20-Aug-05 14:16:23

if you are feeling the bereavement thing so acutely, have you thought about seeing a counsellor to talk this all through... do you still love your DH -- sounds very complex your feelings and maybe some impartial advice could help you see what you want ...

PeachyClair Sat 20-Aug-05 14:19:06

Yup, that's exactly how I feel. thing is, we can't have it with our partners can we? You have to decide whether you want the normal life or your partner the most. I know that's hard but I had to do it and it hurt like hell, and I still have doubts sometimes.

Is there a support group linked to the condition? it might help to speak to others in the same situation?

It is a bereavement thing: I went through similar when my son was diagnosed as AS. Where was the 'normal' lad I thought I had? I wanted that back, I didn't sign up for this etc.

My truth as I came to understand it was that I DID sign up for this when i had a child, and when I made my vows. But that is not right for everybody and you need to find your own answers. You might also discuss this with your partner- I did and it really helped.

Angrybutregular Sat 20-Aug-05 14:19:56

Do I still love him? You know I'm not totally sure I ever did

Actually I do love him but not in the way I'd ever loved anyone else in my life.

Our relationship started as though it was right in the middle, we totally skipped the passionate stage (very unusual for me) and went straight into comfortable and content with each other. We complement each other he has strengths where I don't and vice versa. I always thought that was why we lasted .. no roller coaster ride but general contentment. I still don't see that as particularly a bad thing, is it?

if this was an arranged marriage it would have been perfectly thought out IYSWIM?

don't think counselling is right for me

SleepyJess Sat 20-Aug-05 14:20:21

Hello Angry

I understand how you feel too. My DH has a form of arthritis which has rendered him incapable of work for years.. and sometimes () I just feel soooo angry for what my life was supposed to have been. Plus 2 of our sons have horrible conditions (two different conditions) and the younger one is severely disabled. This means I can't go to work either so here we are stuck on benefits 'forever' like the scum of the earth! (my words).

I love DH to bits and he is wonderful.. does all he can around the house and all the cooking.. but on days like today (when he has some kind of 'man flu' - see how nasty I am??.. and is in bed with stomach problems on top of all the other stuff (inc. chronic pain) that prevents us from living a normal family life.. and yes the life I once planned!..I just want to SCREAM! And I want/NEED to go upstairs and study.. (which is the only thing I can do.. our circs, have put paid to all my career aspirations in the foreseeable future!) because I have an assignment to write shortly.. but I can't leave the kids alone.. and he us upstairs in bed.

And then I think of Misdee, who would have anything to have her lovely DH home and as well as mine.. and I feel like a real selfish bitch what is what I am.

So no you're not alone.. I sympathasise and understand.

SJ x

Angrybutregular Sat 20-Aug-05 14:22:58

SJ thanks for sharing .. our DH's have similar conditions it seems

I'm just ranting I suppose, letting off a little steam and getting a little self-absorbed in a why me sort of way when I really should be asking why him

superbitch from hell strikes again

mancmum Sat 20-Aug-05 14:24:42

I don't think it matters where you have come from in a relationship -- it matters where you are now and where you are going... I don't think what you have is a bad thing -- far far from it... but is it what you want? Did you feel like this before DH became ill -- or has it always been part of your relationship... you sound content with DH overall but not happy with your life... that is why I thought conselling might work as it might help you resolve some of your issues and move on ... but if it is not for you, I think you do need to find someway of dealing with how you feel about your siutation? Regular time away?

SleepyJess Sat 20-Aug-05 14:25:05

Well save room in SuperBitch Hell for this superbitch too!

I don't know if you 'do' cyber hugs.. but ((((here)))) have one!

Angrybutregular Sat 20-Aug-05 14:29:18

I think nobody else would be able to put up with me as well as he does because I'm not the easiest person to live and before him I never particularly had that succesful long-term relationships. Well they all ended anyway.

I definitely don't want to be alone. And I don't subscribe to the grass is always greener point of view. I don't believe in divorce nor affairs. I have made a commitment to this one person and I don't regret it.

mancmum thanks for your input it is making me think about things that I normally avoid.

suedonim Sat 20-Aug-05 15:36:23

If you're who I think you are, you're absolutely not the superbitch from hell, so put that thought out of your head right now! I'm no good at advice on relationships but just wanted to say that I think it's very normal to get angry and frustrated when you're in the sort of situation you describe. Chronic health issues are vastly under-rated, imo. One of my children had very severe asthma as a child (not quite the same as a dh, I know) and I used to get angry that yet another day, or holiday, or some plan or other had yet again been ruined by health problems. My mum got very frustrated when my dad was in his last illness, despite the fact he was almost 92. It's the stresses and strains of being a carer, I suppose, even if the caring is emotional rather than actual physical stuff. Hope you can work through this - take care.

tribpot Sat 20-Aug-05 15:42:34

Angry, I fully sympathise with you as well, my dh has a chronic condition that is at a v low ebb at the moment (and we have an 8 week old baby) - life is just bloody HARD and with my own sleep deprivation added on top I often feel about ready to explode.

It is completely unfair, and being the 'well one' in a relationship is extremely hard work, made all the more so when the sick one doesn't appear to appreciate how hard it is (whilst at the same time, I know full well how difficult it is to think about other people when you're sick).

I've been thinking about getting some counselling, either with dh or alone, just to find some way to give coherence to the feelings I have. Funnily enough (or not) a lot of this went away when I was pregnant, partly the hormones I think and partly having to have allowances made for my own physical condition. Well god knows that party's over now! (Can't quite believe I am actually describing pregnancy as a party!).

I'm back to feverishly searching for things dh could try to improve his condition - he has fibromyalgia - whilst juggling new babe and doing literally everything in the house. In fairness, he is very good with the baby and I think is probably making as much of an effort as he can, but it's just awful.

Oh good, now I must go as the MIL is expected ... argh! Anyway, just to let you know you are not alone.

MummyJules Sat 20-Aug-05 17:37:07

Angrybutregular I totally sympthise with you and know how hard it is. My DP has been ill ever since I have known him although different degrees of illness/complaints/symptoms. I find it very hard sometimes and almost feel like I am the only adult in house. Coming from a family where I was the main carer since the age of eight you would think I would be good at it but I sometimes I just end up feeling resentful and wish for a break and some help. If you would like to chat to someone who knows where you're coming from then please cat me. All I can say is that you are doing a great job and I think half of the people that go through this leave at the first hurdle but you have stuck by him and you should be proud of that!
Hope your day gets better,

Jules x

Angrybutregular Sat 20-Aug-05 19:11:49

I find it quite scary (but selfishly a little heartening) to realise quite how many other people are in similar boats

its just sometimes you look around at other families and their energy and the things that they get up to and feel totally envious. I think its been especially hard over the summer holidays with different friends doing this or that, active holidays, camping ... and I wonder whether if I had more energy I could have arranged a better time for us, or if I had more forethought I could have dragged family somewhere nice on holiday.

I don't know I have this sexist impression in my head sometimes where the bloke takes charge and organises things like this .. am very fed up of being the organiser, packer, picnic-maker, driver, idea generator etc

aloha Sat 20-Aug-05 19:14:45

no man organises family holidays. let alone days out. doesn't happen.

hunkermunker Sat 20-Aug-05 19:22:22

I am fairly sure I know who you are too and you definitely are not a superbitch.

I was very ill for two years (I know this isn't of the same magnitude - I was crippled with arthritis, endometriosis - couldn't walk, hands very painful, etc). Just talked to DH, who was a saint through that time (I was very low - understandably, I think!), but he still felt pissed off that we couldn't do things, that we had no money, he felt sorry for me because life was passing me by, but sorry for us too. And angry. And resentful. And all sorts of things, ALL totally natural, but many not palatable, because it wasn't the life either of us had signed up for.

Can you talk to DH about it? If it'll help, CAT me. Loads of love xxxxxxxxxx

DelGirl Sat 20-Aug-05 19:25:38

ikwym angrybutregular. People may be shocked at this but I still get angry (maybe too strong a word) when i'm in trouble and I feel dh should still be here. Not just for when i'm in trouble obviously, but thats when I feel it. Does that make sense? Doesn't happen too often thankfully, usually when i'm weepy and missing him anyway.

DelGirl Sat 20-Aug-05 19:27:46

and I mean angry with dh btw. Go figure - yep, I know, 1 for the hated phrase thread!

misdee Sat 20-Aug-05 19:32:04

Angrybutregular, this is totally normal!! i get so angry at Peter at times, mainly about why did he get ill, was it something he did etc. Life is unfair. I am angry about the lfie we dont have but should have IYKWIM.

again, its totally totally normal.

ps, think i know who you are as well.

misdee Sat 20-Aug-05 19:36:52

And the looking at other families and feeling envious, oh yes my dear can totally relate. feel so sorry for my kids as they holidays this year have centred round the hospital visits. feel bad that they arent having a 'normal' life either.

happymerryberries Sat 20-Aug-05 19:50:55

I think if you didn't feel likr this you would either be a saint ( in which case I would probably hate you! ) of you would be bonkers!

Dh has had three life threatening illnesses in our 18 years of marriage. He managed to duck the bullet on the first 2 but now has leukemia ( a chronic form)

I know enough about it to know that it will probably kill him in about 15 years time (unless they come up with a cure, please god! ). I find this so hard to deal with, asking him for constant reasurance that he is OK at the momement. I am aware that if I fuck up this time worrying I may be wasting the good time that we do have.

I don't blame him per se but I do blame the fates! Fuck it, why should *we * have to deal with this shit when there are arseholes who are fit and well??? Life is just so unfair sometimes.

Dont beat yourself up about your feelings, I would say they are normal.


misdee Sat 20-Aug-05 19:52:28

HMB, focus on the fact medical advances are happening evryday where cancers are concerned.

And seekign constant reassurence is normal, each time Peter coughs or makes a different noise i question if he is ok.

happymerryberries Sat 20-Aug-05 19:57:11

Oh sweetheart , I do!

And for what it is worth, every time I start to wallow in self pity (not a pretty thing to do but I'll confess to it) I think about you and Peter and slap myself around the face!

I know that I am astonishingly lucky that ds has the 'better' form of CLL which is slower to progress and he also has a bone marrow doner in one of his brothers (all 3 were tested the other two were gutted that they didn't match).

I know that we are lucky. Just in my 'down' moments I wallow in self pity and think , 'FFS why us again '

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