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Look guys - I really need your help here......

(16 Posts)
lisalisa Tue 29-Jul-08 00:10:57

This really spans travel/family /relationshps ....

I feel just desparate and shattered.

Dh and kids ( 5 o fthem ) and i were supposed to be going for 2 weeks to a flat which we have just bought abroad on sunday. Dh has been back tgo the flat 4 or 5 times in as many months buying everything we need and making sure it is ready. He has put a lot of effort into it.

It turns out that the magic certificate due to have been given by the develper is not to be given before sunday now. Even afgter it is given local law dictates that there must be a 3 day period before gas and electricity can be switched on. So we're looking at about 8 days after tgeh holiday begins at earlie=st beore we can use the flat. We;re theere for 14 days.

The only other place we can stay ( hotels all too expensive for family of 7) is dh's sister's flat. This is 3 bedroom and his ssitger is in one bedroom leaving us 2 bedrooms betgween 7. Dh has said he will organise mattresses but he is unreliable and badly organised and prone to let me down.

In addition I fell out very badly with dh's mother this year and felt vulnerable in any case going to his home country for a visit knowing his mother was around but now not being on my turf will make it harder. She can be very nasty and will probably love to make sarky comments etc or jujst revel in my suffering .....

Also , we have no 7 seater car. The guy who was lending us one has backed out. So we hvae no car, are miles from beach and pool and the temp is 40C and we're in a flat miles from anywhere.

Dh says we have to make the best of it and there's no point being negative blah di blah but i've done this kind of holiday with him before - cramped up in terrible heat with all the kids and no transport and I can't speak the lingo. We had the most terrible fights as he's not great wit the childrne in terms of helping and is unlikely to properly think up entertainment or just support us emotionally and physiucally in dealilng with this situation.

To make matters worse, situation begtween me and dh is very bad. We alsmost split up 2 month s ago and agreed to give it another go ( we have 18 yrs of marriage and 5 kids and a lot invested). Unfortunately despit a good stgart we had a fight about 10 days ago and are barely speaking.

So, I face a holiday in cramped conditions living out of suitcases in terrible heat with family I don't particualarly like nad nowhere to go with a dh who barely speaks to me.

I don't want to go but we don't have insurance to cancel flights and get a refund. If I could I would just take my 2 or 3 younger kids off to devon for a week in space and beauty and peace.

I am very tired from work and being a workikng mum generlaly and having had a very bad year with dh am very drained. I just don't htink I deserve or can cope with this type of "holiday".

What would yhou do? Cancel and waste litgerally £1000s on flights knowing it would progbably be end of your marriage or go and suffer.

RuffleTheAnimal Tue 29-Jul-08 00:16:58

bloody hell, you cant really win can you?

if cancelling really does mean the end of the marriage, id consider grinning and brearing i spose... but tbh, id want to sit him down, butter him up a bit to get him off the defensive than spell out in utterly calm and nonconfrontational manner just how much you are dreading it and why. see what he says. hed have to be a right shit to make you go without even taking your fears on board. in which case its a good job youd split, no?

SNoraWotzThat Tue 29-Jul-08 00:25:25

You can still use the flat without gass and electric. Can you still sleep there, use it?

You will have no hot water, lights or power to cook, but you will have space, beds and windows to open. When its dark, you can buy night lights (candals) which are safe to use (locals use these a lot in Spain for exapmle when there are power cuts). TIy can wash in cold water and you can use your dh's sis place to have hot showers. You can feed the children fresh salads, cold meats and fruit for a few days or eat out.

I would try (beg, borrow) and get some money for car/ vechile hire for yourselves to make things nice to get to the beach even if it is for part of the holiday.

You could manage if you want to give it a go.

Good luck.

lisalisa Tue 29-Jul-08 00:27:00

I have spoken to him ruffletheanimal. he is a bit defensive you are right as he has put so much effort into this flat and buying everything we need for it. He's been on the developer's backs for ages trying to srot it and he himself is very distressed with the situation. He does however llike to contorl thing s and to have us all in his sister's flat with him controlling where we go ( as no car and I can' t drive abroad any way) and what we spend ( I have credit card but he usually holds on to cash) is misery city .

I actually dont thikn I do want to be married to him anymore and he's coming to same realisaiton. It's just that its pretty scary thinking about mechanices and consequences of divorce - we'd never affrod it either - we barely make ends meet anwya and we both earn well. if we had to suport 2 separate households it would be impossible....

zaphod Tue 29-Jul-08 00:27:11

Would it not be possible to stay in your own flat without the gas and electricity. You could eat out, use candles....make it a bit of an adventure for the kids?

lisalisa Tue 29-Jul-08 00:29:07

SNora - I agree and your suggestions are great - we can't however live in it wihtout this magic certificate that signs it off - until that is available it is illegal for devleoper to give us the keys. We can't affrod to hire a 7 seater - it works out at £90 per day sad at tehg least and there are not many avaialbe where we are in any case.

SNoraWotzThat Tue 29-Jul-08 00:29:57

Let the children enjoy themselves, then sort yourselves out.

Your problems won't go away if you feel this bad. Going on holiday and getting ready for it can be stressful and be adding to how anxious you feel. You may feel much more relaxed and able to talk on holiday than when you are at home.

BBBee Tue 29-Jul-08 00:31:22

the staying in the flat without gas etc. is a good idea but my gut instinct reading your post is not to go. I think you need to work out what you wnat to do for yourself and your family in the future. the situation you describe with flat, MIL etc. would make this impossible - impossible for a long time in the future.

What do you want to do?

katiepotatie Tue 29-Jul-08 00:31:50

Agree with SNoraWotzThat, could you not stay there with the power off? Might be an adventure for the kids??
Good luck

SNoraWotzThat Tue 29-Jul-08 00:33:35

That is a shame about not having the key so you can't even use it.

Did you use a UK solicitor for buying the flat? Can they do anything for you with helping the developer move more quickly? CAn you ring them in the morning?

lisalisa Tue 29-Jul-08 00:40:50

WE used a solicitgor abroad - all we can do is impose the financial penalty for not completing on time which dh is reluctant to do as developer did help us so much wiht little extras and letting dh in with yet another delivery when all was suppoesd to be out of bournds until the cert is produced and signed. I told dh he should explain it to devloper in sugar coated terms that he ( dh ) wasn't invoking penalty ( tis not much btw just a few hundered pounds) to be punitive but just to make a bad situation worse i.e. to perhaps fund hotel for anight or tow. In practic we are in so much debt that dh will pocket the money and pay off some debts. I guess that's on eof hte areas we differ really - I would have a much needed hotel break with it.

SNoraWotzThat Tue 29-Jul-08 00:51:06

I think you are stressed and it is all the extra hassle - as you say you need a holiday a break yourself (so a nice little hotel with meals appearing and plates being cleared away would be lovely). And now your holiday is looking like a huge mess with lots of obstacles in the way.

BUT - your holiday will be OK. Your dh must be as disappointed as you if not more because he will be full of guilt for letting you all down when he has tried hard to get the place ready and it's not. Now wonder you are not talking ATM.

I really would give it a go and not lay blame on him while you are away. From the way you are posting it might be the last time your children have a 'family holiday' together with mum and dad. Give them something they can look back on and enjoy, you will get more out of it if they are having some fun.
If that means a holiday in the UK instead and sod the flights and the flat, then do that instead.

lisalisa Tue 29-Jul-08 00:56:15

Thanks Snora - such kind words - i' crying a bit into my pc now.... especially about your last para - you're right. It's so bloody hard - i KNOW we have reached the end of our road together but I JUST can't destroy the children's peace and hpe s and dreams ... Sorry - kept knocking cpas on

SNoraWotzThat Tue 29-Jul-08 01:04:11

I hate making folk cry at this time of night, you'll get a wet pillow and gunky eyes wink

You sound tired and a bit let down and very fed up. I always hate the lead up to a break away.

One of my mates with 3 children used to have 2 hours off every other morning when they were on holiday. Her Dh and her, took 2 hours on alternate days to look after the children, so they could each have 2 hours, of alone time.

You could make some sort of agreement with your dh.

I really do hope it works out for the best for all of you.

lisalisa Tue 29-Jul-08 01:13:53

thanks - youre' too kind - my dh would never give me a bfreak from kids - wouldn't engter his head - guess this problem is much bigger than the holiday - wiht a supprotive and loving marriage I could endure anyting i suppose. What a snivelling mess I am at 1.15am with work in teh morning....

SNoraWotzThat Tue 29-Jul-08 01:15:07

Get to bed smile

I have work also in the morning. Goodnight.

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