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If you found out that your 10 year old DD had been given porn to look at when she spent the day at a friends house, what would you do?

(28 Posts)
ThisIsDavinaPleaseDoNotSwear Mon 16-Jul-07 19:41:25

She is 11 now and this has only just risen to the surface.

When she was 9, she spent the day at a friends house and was given hard core porn to look at in a magazine by her friend.

I'm not 100% sure but I think that the step father of this 'friend' knew what was happening. My impression is that he allows his step dd to view this material but I'm just not sure whether he knowlingly permitted my DD to look through it when she was there or whether this was instigated by her friend.

I am desperatley trying not to make a mountain out of a mole hill here (although both myself and DH are absoloutley fuming that it happened)but I am also concerned that there may be more that my DD isn't telling me.

Shortly after it happened, the girls fell out and this other girl started to bully my dd quite considerably at school. Her parents then moved house and she went to a different primary school but they will be going to the same Secondary School in September.

This other family are a little bit on the rough side (apologies as I know that isn't a particularly nice thing to say but I am crap at expressing myself)

Anyway, do we leave it or do we talk to the parents? (gulp)

If we had known about it last year, at the time it happened we would have reacted quite strongly and possibly even considered calling the police but it's been just over a year now.

ThisIsDavinaPleaseDoNotSwear Mon 16-Jul-07 19:44:37

Typo - sorry. She is 11 now and was 10 when it happened (not 9)

Kbear Mon 16-Jul-07 19:49:13

how did you find out about it?

bristols Mon 16-Jul-07 19:51:19

Showing young children hardcore porn is sexual abuse. This is very serious, both for your dd and for the other little girl. I don't think you can just let it lie. Although I can totally understand why you would want to. Maybe it would be helpful to discuss it with another agency such as the NSPCC? Or even the police in an informal way? They might be able to give you some advice. I would be seriously worried for the welfare of the other girl.

I'm sorry if this sounds a bit over the top. It must be difficult to show your daughter that she has done the right thing in telling you, without becoming very angry. Hopefully someone else will be along shortly with some better advice. However, I don't think you should let this go. Good luck. What an awful situation to be in.

harpsichordcuddler Mon 16-Jul-07 19:52:13

what do you mean by hard care porn?
what were the circs?
why do you think her dad was involved?

harpsichordcuddler Mon 16-Jul-07 19:53:18

hold on, how can it be "sexual abuse" if her friend, presumably also 9?, gave it to her.
who is abusing who?

ThisIsDavinaPleaseDoNotSwear Mon 16-Jul-07 19:55:56

We found some pencil sketches in her bedroom. They were unmistakably hers and very graphic.

That was bad enough and it took several days to coach some information from her about why she had drawn them.

I remember at that age seeing porn magazines lying around in play parks etc and curiosity definatley does get the better of you at that age. Its also the kind of thing that will leave quite an impression on you when you are little.

So I was kind of expecting her to say something along those lines....

It's one thing to see something like that in a magazine however but then picking up a pencil and taking the time to recreate what you have seen is another matter althogether and the drawing were quite detailed (with captions )

I just wonedr what went on in that house that we don't know about. She spent a whole day there in the summer holidays but had several more visits for tea after school.

lilymolly Mon 16-Jul-07 19:59:55

Oh god thats sounds worrying. I remember babysitting for a couple when I was a little girl and had a pile of hardcore porn mags blatently stacked in the toilets which we looked at giggling.
But to draw anything seems a little bit different and I would perhaps talk it over more with your dd. Cant really help I am afraid, but hopefully you will get some better advice from someone else.

ThisIsDavinaPleaseDoNotSwear Mon 16-Jul-07 20:00:19

Harpsichorder, I don't know for certain if her dad was involved or not.

According to my daughter he knew that his own dd read through them and the impression I have is that he was happy for her to look at it (whether he actively encouraged it or not is another matter) but I don't know if he knew my dd was looking through it or whether he made it available to her while she was there.

These are two very different scenarios and I dont want to jump to conclusions

lisad123 Mon 16-Jul-07 20:01:27

Bristols is right it is classed as sexual abuse for an adult to show or allow a child to see this type of material, and the reason is often to do with grooming. It could be the SD found her stepdads stuff under the mattress and just one of those things. But if you are saying that the stepfather knew about it, or gave it to her, it is very serious.
I would ring nscpp or police as suggested, to gain advise on how to go forward, if it took you days to coax out of dd what happened, is there any chance she's been told to keep it secret?
Hopfully all just kids being kids
Lisa

bristols Mon 16-Jul-07 20:05:11

Harpsichordcuddler:

"My impression is that he allows his step dd to view this material but I'm just not sure whether he knowlingly permitted my DD to look through it when she was there or whether this was instigated by her friend."

It is abuse if the step dad is allowing his step dd to view this. You are right, if the friend showed the material, it is a different matter.

ThisIsDavinaPleaseDoNotSwear Mon 16-Jul-07 20:05:22

yes, if I knew for certain that he had encouraged it we would have phoned the police a long time ago, no doubt about it.

But there is an uncertainty.

Add to this the very real possibility that my dd will be bullied by this girl when she starts secondary school and I have a problem that I am struggling to deal with.

The one issue does kind of affect the other iyswim

bristols Mon 16-Jul-07 20:06:33

X with the others!

ThisIsDavinaPleaseDoNotSwear Mon 16-Jul-07 20:06:41

.........and yet it shouldn't.

Bullying is bullying and sexual abuse is sexual abuse.

Fuck it.

bristols Mon 16-Jul-07 20:10:10

If there is uncertainty, maybe you should err on the side of caution and look at the worse case senario, rather than the best one. Abusers depend on this kind of fear.

I can see how the potential bullying makes the whole situation very difficult for you.

gothicmama Mon 16-Jul-07 20:11:21

hello davina I think you should consider contacting the NSPCC and asking if they have someone who can talk to your dd, adn also for you to talk to for advice about dd recreating what she has seen, this way your dd can be supported in a positive way and also if she makes a disclosure about the circumsatnces the NSPCC will be able to follow it up anonomously,

edam Mon 16-Jul-07 20:16:24

How worrying. I'd call the NSPCC and ask for some advice, tbh.

reikizen Mon 16-Jul-07 20:16:31

Yep, I'm with the others. Call the NSPCC and get a professional view on it. Not at all normal or acceptable behaviour and it does make me concerned about what else would be going on in that house. I know what you mean about potential bullying but it could be anonymous (maybe) and really, think about what you might be helping to prevent. Horrible, horrible.

Pitchounette Mon 16-Jul-07 20:18:04

Message withdrawn

teafortwoandtwofortea Mon 16-Jul-07 20:19:18

I know there's uncertainty but I'm going to have to agree with Bristols.

This sort of thread always calls to mind a quote along the lines of 'if only someone who'd suspected had actually spoken out, it could've saved me years of abuse'. May I point out that only yesterday Newlifenewname posted that her friend had comitted suicide as a result of being unable to cope with his childhood abuse.

To allow your SD to even 'find' that sort of material is worrying IMO - it's the sort of thing that should be locked away, you wouldn't leave potentially lethal medicines lying around would you?

startouchedtrinity Mon 16-Jul-07 20:24:15

My gut feeling is that if your dd is drawing and writing captions from memory then she got exposed to quite a lot. However, I can remember a boy I knew telling me his mother smuggled him in to a strip club when they were on holiday. Utter bollocks and just said to make himself important. Children do make things up sometimes - I made something up myself once - and I wonder whether your dd's friend found his stash of smut and told her that her stepdad let her look at the mags in order to seem more grown up without realising she could be dropping her stepdad in some very hot water.

What to do about it? Hard to say. If the girl is being abused - and it's a big if - then you are giving him a chance to put the frighteners on her. I agree with the idea of ringing someone like the NSPCC or Kidscape anonymously for advice. HTH.

teafortwoandtwofortea Mon 16-Jul-07 20:29:27

(btw - why is this thread in 'travel'?)

ThisIsDavinaPleaseDoNotSwear Mon 16-Jul-07 20:33:01

Thank you everyone, my feeling is that she did see this stuff on more than one occassion because of the accuracy of the drawings and the captions that went with it.

I think that talking to the NSPCC is a good idea as they are more likely to be able to take a balanced view on this. I certainly don't want to wrongly accuse someone - not for something as potentially horrific as this and yet it can't be left either.

The bullying is an added complication and I know that if my daughetr does suffer at the hands of this girl then her parents will do little to stop it. She is quite an overweight child and a natural target for teasing and her parents attitude seems to be 'thump them and they will stop' type attitude. My own dd however only became friend with her originally because she felt sorry for her and wanted to stick up for her.

I have a horrible feeling that if my daughter starts to suffer at school because of her, I will be tempted to blurt something out. Bullying is a very very very emotional subject for me due to my own experiences as a child and its not an issue I cope with particularly well.

ThisIsDavinaPleaseDoNotSwear Mon 16-Jul-07 20:33:38

Oh I have no idea why we are in travel whoops!

MoosMa Mon 16-Jul-07 20:33:57

I definitely agree about contacting the NSPCC, perhaps they would have someone who could talk to your DD about it. She may tell someone she doesn't know more than she'd tell you as there may not be the feeling of getting into trouble if she tells you something IYSWIM?

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