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Please can someone help me with ideas for Dd2's grave?

(62 Posts)
3littlebadgers Tue 28-Jun-16 17:00:22

Hello green fingered mumsnetters. I need your advice please. For the past 15 months I have been really struggling with dd's grave. No matter what I plant they either get eaten by slugs or die. It is quite open to the elements where she is. When it is sunny it is dry and is not shaded, it can be windy too, but when it rains the ground becomes very waterlogged. I think it might be clay but I put a bag of nice dark soil actually in her grave, so the soil for her flowers is nice.
Dd2 was only a baby so her headstone and kerb leaves only a little place to plant so I need something that doesn't get big or her little name will be covered.
I really need to find something that will work with limited care because we have to move overseas with DH's work, I'm heartbroken to leave her here alone anyway but the thought of her little grave looking all unloved is so very hard. She is so very very loved.
Any ideas of what I can plant would be appreciated. With much thanks flowers

PerspicaciaTick Tue 28-Jun-16 17:08:18

My DSis when she was very young, and we had to move away shortly afterwards - it is heart-breaking flowers.
My parents planted miniature narcissi bulbs and grassed the grave. That way the gardener is able to keep it smart for us and every spring there are lovely flowers. They also had a tiny miniature fir tree for a while, but it became wind burned and looked a bit sad.
What is rather wonderful is that, on the rare occassions we go back and visit (probably 3 or 4 times a year between us all), there are often flowers placed there by the families tending surrounding graves. It feels like she is being looked after.
My DSis died over 40 years ago now, but she remains a part of my family and both my children have visited her grave, and know all my stories about my naughty little sister.
I'm sure lots of people will come on with better suggestions. I 'm sure you'll make her resting place look lovely.

3littlebadgers Tue 28-Jun-16 17:17:44

Oh thank you so much Perspicacia. the idea of others looking after your sister'so grave gave me such big, happy tears.
Can I ask after the Narcissi flowers have died do they look a bit, like daffodils do once they have died? If you get what I mean. Sorry I'm not very good with plants. blush
Her gave, because of the kerb is quite small so I'm not sure the groundsmen could cut has if I planted it. I was almost tempted to put daisies and buttercups there thinking how easily they grow, and little girls love daisies and buttercups but would thy grow on just soil? And what about the winter?

3littlebadgers Tue 28-Jun-16 17:20:10

Sorry lots of typos, I have teary eyes sad

OnlyTheDepthVaries Tue 28-Jun-16 18:17:55

So sorry to hear that you are moving away.
Is there anyone who can visit the grave and tend it for you?
If you are near me (Dorset) I'll do it. Just ask....please.

ChoccyJules Tue 28-Jun-16 18:21:31

I'll visit if near me (Cambs but also work in Herts every couple of weeks).

Ifailed Tue 28-Jun-16 18:23:55

OnlyTheDepthVaries
well said. There are people who will do this for you, tendagrave.org/ is a place to start, and that is voluntary, not a business.

3littlebadgers Tue 28-Jun-16 18:27:32

Thank you so much Only. We are in West London.

I've broken down on a few people, who innocently asked how the move was going, and they reassured me she wouldn't be alone.

I think it is just for my own peace of mind. I still have this urge to care for her, it just won't go away no matter how much I try to tell myself she doesn't need it.

If I can leave her grave knowing she doesn't look unloved then people won't just think I don't care, that I stopped coming because I forgot. My poor little baby sad

3littlebadgers Tue 28-Jun-16 18:28:54

Choccy and Ifailed thank you so much

3littlebadgers Tue 28-Jun-16 18:33:34

I just had a look at tend a grave and it looks like I need to be UK based so that I can tend someone less grave in return. But thank you for the idea, it would have been lovely to care for someone else's loved one, although they would have got a raw deal with me looking after it wink

SoupDragon Tue 28-Jun-16 18:37:19

I'm sure there would be people on MN who would visit occasionally.

I can't really help with the gardening aspect I'm afraid. Bulbs are probably your best bet. Snowdrops for February, grape hyacinths for later - both are small. Poppies for early summer maybe? They seem fairly robust - I have some self seeded in the crazy paving of my driveway.

iamhopeless Tue 28-Jun-16 18:38:54

3littlebadgers I'm based in your sort of area, I lost my twin boys as young babies so I know what you are going through I would be more than happy to visit your little girl from time to time and let her know how much her mum loves her and misses her. If it would be any help to you. I wouldn't want to step on the toes of family but if it would be of comfort to you please just ask.

imsorryiasked Tue 28-Jun-16 18:43:40

How about planting clover - low growing, flowers for much of the year and nice leaves too.

Ifailed Tue 28-Jun-16 18:45:26

oh, dear, sorry that link wasn't of much help. Agree with others, snow drops, followed by miniature daffs, tulips for winter/spring, maybe primrose as well, then self-seeders like poppies. Good luck with the move. You know your Dd2 will never be forgotten.

GandalfsWrinklyHat Tue 28-Jun-16 18:47:42

How about a succession of bulby type plants
Snowdrops and crocus
Miniature daffs and narcissi
Muscari
Lily of the valley (they stay green till first frost)
Mini hosta like mouse ears for summer/autumn, they'll come back every year.
Put some good compost down and pack them in
You could do it all in autumn, I've always used Peter Nyssen for bulbs and they have all been excellent quality. Maybe share your planting scheme with the groundsman? Our groundsman is a very kind and sweet man, I'm sure they'll keep an eye xxx

Mamagin Tue 28-Jun-16 18:59:03

Definitely bulbs, daisies would be lovely too. What about lamb's ears? Lovely velvet like leaves.
Is the grave in a churchyard? If so, would one of the congregation tend the grave?
She is in your heart, you aren't leaving her behind.
When I was a child and we went to visit family graves I used to pick buttercups and put them on the children's graves in the graveyard, I'm still tempted to do that.

Gatekeeper Tue 28-Jun-16 19:19:36

I have been thinking about this non stop since you posted flowers and if this was my darling girl I would..

plant some daisies- they are beautiful and I recall one of my favourite hymns as a child was "daisies are our silver- buttercups our gold"'
small bulbs as other have suggested, snowdrops, crocus ,miniature daffodils or narcissus 'tete a tete', your daughter would have loved them smile..also scilla and English bluebells, wood anemone
You could also extend this with autumn flowering bulbs such as Nerine and autumn crocus etc

This way the grave is never overwhelmed as everything goes back to the earth , coming again as new once winter has passed
"To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven: ... A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance"

Not sure of where overseas but it might be nice for you to have a corner of your new garden and plant the same plants and as they come up each year you know that this would be the same in the quiet corner where your little lamb's grave is. Put a little stone ornament on it and the same on your patch and know that she is being watched over by the same flowers you are watching over

P1nkP0ppy Tue 28-Jun-16 19:20:38

I think you'll need to work the dark soil into the clay a bit so it drsins better.
How about a miniature rose and snowdrops,? If you put a mulch of gravel the bulbs would come up through it and it would hopefully keep it looking tidy.
If only i lived closer x

3littlebadgers Tue 28-Jun-16 19:26:14

Thank you all so much, such kind kind people. smile I love the idea of the bulbs, so she will have flowers and colour all year. We have to leave in August, do you think if I plant them now rather than autumn it'll be ok?

The snowdrops are especially lovely as her name means 'as pure as the driven snow'.

Iamhopeless I am so sorry about your little boys starflowersstar
She is not that far from Heathrow if that is easy to get to. Let me know if it is and I will send you the details. Even if it isn't just the fact that you offered is so kind.
Once again thank you all x

3littlebadgers Tue 28-Jun-16 19:31:17

Managin, she is in a cemetery, there are ducks on a little pond and horses behind her plot and last spring I sat with her and made a lite daisy chain crown for the little bear that sat on her grave. It is beautiful there.

Gatekeeper Tue 28-Jun-16 19:33:09

it sounds beautiful and peaceful- I can picture it clearly in my mind

3littlebadgers Tue 28-Jun-16 19:33:38

Gatekeeper. That poem is lovely and your idea about taking some bulbs made my heart skip a beat. It is hot where we are going but I can at least give it a go, and if it doesn't work I can plant something local, but pretty.

RandomMess Tue 28-Jun-16 19:35:48

Do you have friends or family in the UK who could do the grave care swap for you despite not being local enough to tend to your DDs grave directly for you?

Gatekeeper Tue 28-Jun-16 19:37:33

take a scoop of earth from the top of her grave and put it down in your quiet corner in your new home. There will be a very similar type of bulbs or flowers local to where you are moving- lets face it... many of our flowers and plants we have in our gardens originated in deserts, mountains, and hot, arid conditions

smile

3littlebadgers Tue 28-Jun-16 19:37:42

P1nkPoppy the gravel sounds like a great idea too thank you flowers]

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