DS1 refusing to choose a Universities!

[LynetteScavo]

DS is currently doing a Btec in Engineering and A level maths (Year 12)

He's stated he wants to go to uni, and doesn't want to do an apprenticeship. He's very clear about this. When he makes up his mind, he rarely changes it. But he's refusing to consider which uni he might like to go to, and says he'll visit five open days, but has no idea which ones. I've done a lot of research, and today I tried to shove under his nose some info I've printed off regarding a uni course which seems really perfect for him, not me, it's a six hour drive away

He refused to even glance at it. I got a little exasperated and asked "Are you even going to university?" and he said "Yes, I'm going to turn up." In DS language that means he is definitely intending to go to uni, but is happy for me to choose which one. This is so far removed from what I was like at that age I'm really struggling to get my head round it.

He was exactly the same with high schools. He told me to choose a school and he'd go to it. That seemed fine when he was 10yo but this is getting silly.

[witwootoodleoo]

Just leave him to it. He's going to have to learn self motivation and organisation some day and it's far better that he does that before he gets to uni. If he fails to sort it out i time and can't go that will be a useful life lesson and he can just take a gap year and go the following year.

[MommaGee]

I'd back off. Tell him that you're happy to visit with him but he needs to decide which ones and find out the dates etc. If he can't even do that he will not cope at uni

[junglebookisthebest]

I'd say this is the age at which he starts having to think for himself.
Make it very clear that he needs to select some unis, find out their open days, visit them and make some choices.
If he doesn't then he won't be going but will have to get a job to support himself. That might be the wake up call he needs and he ends up going a year later, which won't be that unusual as lots now take a gap year.

[dnamummy]

I feel your pain!

DS same age doing A maths, physics and history.

Says he wants to go to university, hasn't even looked at prospectuses!

Everyone tells me to stand back and he'll step up and sort things, but when! At this rate he will miss out on everything.

I've asked if he wants to apply for provisional licence? Let me know as he can use my card to pay.......three weeks later, nothing!

I was in a car with LPlates first chance I could! He just wants to stay a man-child as long as he can!

[Intransige]

Don't fix it for him, he will get around to it (or not, but it's his choice). My brother does an amazing line in deliberate helplessness, and my mother still falls for it. He's nearly 40!

You could research how to defer for a year perhaps? Be prepared with ground rules about how an accidental gap year will be spent? Just in case.

It might also be a huge positive for him to wait a year. I know several people who wanted to go to uni conceptually but weren't quite ready. They went anyway, didn't work hard, and failed. Then went back a number of years later to do it properly.

[Sofabitch]

Its not your job to choose. Leave him to it. Im amussing hes missed the first round of applications anyway?

University is really about self responsibility... or just pick one as far away as possible

[LIZS]

It is still pretty early. Ds didn't visit until the Autumn open events. There will be more momentum among his year group after this summer's exams.

[Crumbs1]

It's his job to choose. If he doesn't he'll have to wait a year and work. Don't baby him, it's doing him no favours.

[sonlypuppyfat]

Just let him get on with it. It's like when my son expects me to do something because he says he can't, I tell him " boys went to war at your age man up and do it yourself "

[Squishedstrawberry4]

Leave him to it. It's normal to choose a school for a 10 year old. Not normal to choose an 18 year olds uni. If he ends up spending a year working or doing voluntary work because he's disorganised, it will be a huge learning experience

[Squishedstrawberry4]

Yes don't baby him. It's disempowering

[healthyheart]

He's probably got his AS maths and other exams for his BTEC approaching he's enough on his plate at the moment! Leave him be. They've so much to think about this time of year!

[alonsypot]

"boys went to war at your age man up and do it yourself"

What a horrible thing to say.

[gregoriesgirl]

Leave him be, he's got exams to deal with. He can look at university after that.

[LynetteScavo]

" boys went to war at your age man up and do it yourself "

Yes but many of those boys were killed, so I'm not sure that was a great decision DS1 would probably be a conscientious objector anyway

It's not that DS expects me to do it for him. He just doesn't seem to think giving it any thought is necessary. He would quite happily let his tutor suggest 5 uni he's likely to get into, put them on the application form and turn up to which ever one offers him a place.

He probably won't leave his room except to go to lectures, so really, I'm not sure why I'm even giving it so much thought. Maybe I too should leave it to his college tutor (who seems to be excellent, and I suspect has dealt with many boys like DS, including those from homes where parents don't have a clue how to help their DC choose a uni).
dnamummy - DH had to sit down with DS and fill out the form for a provisional licence. Not sure DS would have ever got round to doing it for himself, and he's now passed his test.

DS1 did enroll himself on this college course while I was on holiday after dropping out of 6th form at his high school though, so he is capable of things with a bit of prodding if he wants to.

I'm not sure leaving him to it is the answer though...my DB dropped out of uni, was left to it and was unemployed for 10 years. It's such a fine line between babying and guiding and supporting.

[SaltyMyDear]

Do you have a local uni? Tell him you recommend he goes there and continues to live at home.

That should focus his mind a bit :)

[sonlypuppyfat]

Ffs I'm not really talking about sending him to war, I'm talking about how we keep young men like children and don't expect them to be able to do things for themselves.

[dementedma]

I wouldn't do it for him. I didn't attend any open days with DD, can't think of of anything more embarrassing than trailing round with mummy and daddy!!!
If he doesn't sort it out, he doesn't go. He'll have to get a job for a year and then apply.

[P1nkP0ppy]

Leave it to him, he clearly knows best 😳
You've done your best, over to him.

[alonsypot]

I think we know you're not really talking about sending a kid to war!

But it's just a stupid and crass phrase on any level. Those boys had no choice and no chance, they were unprepared and slaughtered in droves. They practically were still naive kids, even in those Good Old Days. Nothing aspirational there.

University obviously isn't the same sort of thing, and yes most teens should be up to organising it for themselves. But some won't be ready at the same time as others, and some will leave it later, or not go at all.

[MommaGee]

Op does he even want to go or is he just doing what is expected of him

[Squishedstrawberry4]

Supporting him is encouraging him to take charge of his own life.

Disempowering him is doing things for him. Effectively you are de-skilling him by making choices he should be making.

If your son really wants to go to college this year or next year, he will make it happen.

Tell him you're happy to drive him to look round uni's but he needs to let you know which ones. Ask him to talk to his tutor and do online research about uni grading/areas/opendays. Give the responsibility for choosing to him.

Your son is not your brother. They are different people.

[Squishedstrawberry4]

You have to give the responsibility to him and support him in the (good or bad) choices he makes, not make the choices for him. Where would you making his choices stop? Are you going to choose his job or his partner or his first mortgages house? It's his life.