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My inlaws will not accept that we are fostering and are being horrible about it....

(13 Posts)
carrieboo75 Tue 29-Sep-09 15:05:43

From the moment we told them we were going to foster they have been very negative (both his parents and his sister). They tried to stop it happening by writing a horrid reference but the social workers saw through it and we passed the panel. Our first foster child is due to move in in a week and they are causing more trouble than ever.

SIL is getting married in Nov and she does not want our foster daughter there as 'it would make her (the SIL) uncomfortable' She wants us to just leave her home alone. We have explained that a cared for child has different needs and she can not be just left at home and that saying she can't come would send a strong message to her that she is not accepted as a member of the family. SIL thinks that is ok as she does not see her as part of the family. We came to a compromise that we would all come to the ceremony and then DH would stay and I would take all the children home. Now she is pushing it saying we are breaking the family apart, that we are making our boys loose out, we are making their parents ill, that we are using the boys to blackmail her, that we are bad parents, that she is going to tell the boys if FC was not there BirthC's could be and much more.

Do not know what to do now, it is making DH so sad. I have reached a point where I am done with them all as this is just the end of 10 years of crap they have thrown our way, but for DH's sake I can't just walk away from them. We have a duty to protect our boys and our foster daughter from their horrible views but we also have a duty to maintain the relations with the inlaws.

Really mixed up now please help. Any sugestions how to take this forward, how to bring them around to fostering etc.

Hope it made sense it is hard to geting all on paper without just sounding like a winging DIL.

Thank you

justaboutautumn Tue 29-Sep-09 15:11:10

Message withdrawn

JodieO Tue 29-Sep-09 15:21:24

I wouldn't go at all, none of the family. I'd expect dh to stay home too. Obviously a foster child would need lots of love and support and feel included; I'm sure you, your dh and children will do that

LaurieFairyCake Tue 29-Sep-09 15:31:59

If they have thrown 10 years of crap your way then it is not about the fostering.

Cut them out.

I'm a foster parent btw and dh's family have made the most positive impact on this little girls life, they all send her little presents, call her up to chat, granny even joined facebook so she could talk to her. She has thrived with all this positive attention. My SIL even called from NZ to speak to her on her birthday, foster dd was crying with happiness.

You are doing something truly fabulous - they are shit bags blush sorry.

Kayran Tue 29-Sep-09 15:37:08

I am a foster parent and have been for two years. We did have somethng similar when my step sister got married. My birth daughter was her bridesmaid but she did not want the two little ones we were fostering to come. I did organise respite for them (with their grandmother) and we stayed only for the actual wedding rather than a longer break. Ultimately I felt in that case she would not have wanted little ones even if they had been our birth children - although that is another story all together. You have to accept that there will be diffferences in perception about your birth children and your foster daughter. It is also necessary for you to realise that sometimes there is a benefit to that. Your foster daughter will be more inclined to be able to discuss her own birth family if she is allowed to find her own unique place in your family rather than having a pre-determined role mapped out for her. I can ensure you that the cushion of love you give her at home and the level of acceptance she gets from you and your DH will be far more likely to impact on her than the casual nastiness of your in-laws. It is interesting that you say you have a duty to promote the relationship with your inlaws - ultimately they are not supporting you and I feel you have every reason to take a step back from them. You can also use your sfe policy as a reason to exclude them from any potentiallly damaging show down. It is an exciting challenge!

alarkaspree Tue 29-Sep-09 15:37:44

What horrible people. I would stay away from them as much as possible, they are not going to have a positive impact on your foster child are they? I definitely wouldn't go to the wedding.

You are doing something wonderful, don't let them spoil it.

carrieboo75 Tue 29-Sep-09 17:05:14

About 1 1/2 years ago we moved from being in between both sets of parents where we used to see a lot of them to near my parents, since then they have only visited once,so we do not see much of them and I have been happy with that. However I know DH and our BC's miss them and do want to see them. The children are too young to understand/see how selfish their grandparents are, but they are starting to wise up to the fact that something is going on and are asking why they don't see them.

I really don't want to stop DH and BC's seeing them, unless I really have to (If they started trying to turn the boys against us and their foster sister then I would pull it in an instant). They are pretty snoby and we think they feel having a foster child in the family is an embarassment. As justaboutautumn said they are controling and all previous problems have been about them being either selfish or controlling, but we have got through them all. This time I am worried that it will blow the family apart. DH thinks if we can get past the wedding then it will settle but I think that it will effect everything i.e. regular visits, birthday parties, christmas, SIL's first child, christening etc. When I point out that it will carry on to the next child and the next etc. DH says we don't know if there will be a next child yet. If I can not work out how to smooth this over then I think DH may not agree to more fostering when FC leaves in a year, because he is worried about the upset he is causeing his family.

DH is a good man and wants to do right by everyone. His family do not deserve him, but he loves them all the same. What can we do to try to make it work? FC has been in current placement for 9 years and is moving to us to go to college. Should we tell FC that his parents are struggleing with the fostering and see if she can go back to her current placement for the weekend? I was dead against telling her that they did not want her at the wedding but now I get the impression that the inlaws will not want her around them full stop and I can not see how we can hide that for a year. I also wonder if it is best to explain the situation to her straight away before they meet her so it is clear that it is inlaws problem and not hers.

Sorry to ramble but not sure what is best anymore. I would love to say right bog off we are not going if thats how you want to behave. However, I realise that long term that would not solve anything.

Cutting them out of our lives is not an option (although believe me I do realise it is what they deserve) so .... What practical steps can we take regarding the wedding? What should we try to get the inlaws on board with fostering? We want to foster long term and maybe adopt one day down the line but unless the inlaws are back on a low simmer I can't see that we can.

On the positive side my family is being fab about it all and will be a wonderfull support to us.

justaboutautumn Tue 29-Sep-09 17:12:58

Message withdrawn

AngryFromManchester Tue 29-Sep-09 17:14:06

if they will not let your foster daughter go to the wedding then you must not go. It is ridiculous

i feel very sad for you

justaboutautumn Tue 29-Sep-09 17:16:46

Message withdrawn

alarkaspree Tue 29-Sep-09 17:50:07

This is a really difficult situation isn't it - poor you. I would be very wary of telling the FC upfront that your in-laws are unhappy with the fostering, because I would think that will make her feel as if she is causing you problems with your family, however much you try to reassure her. On the other hand you don't want her to meet them and then be made to feel uncomfortable because they are unpleasant to her without warning.

I think in your position I'd say to the family, look, we are not coming to the wedding if FC isn't invited. And if you can't agree to treating FC with respect then for the year she is with us Dh will visit you occasionally with the BC but they won't visit you. You could tell the FC that you have a difficult relationship with them. I would imagine that she won't actually be that bothered that she doesn't get to meet some elderly grumpy people with whom you all have little contact (she is a teenager after all), if she has your parents and the rest of your family to enjoy getting to know.

alarkaspree Tue 29-Sep-09 17:51:28

'but they won't visit you' makes no sense sorry, what I mean is, your in-laws won't be invited to visit you.

alliwannado Tue 29-Sep-09 21:21:38

hmmm its so hard. I am not at that point but in the process and just been on the training 3 day course but already getting the comments from family members and others. They consider we are being selfish to our bc and we should concentrate on them. They just say we will be damaging our bc. Even though I don't think I am at all they do make us feel dreadful and their is no positives that come from them at all. Basically fc is not family . I don't claim they are or will be I am a carer and will be 'looking' fter them.... but I think they are just stubborn and don't want to hear the positives or about what we want to do.
In your case.... so difficult. Your fc should not be excluded, but also feel for bc needing 'me' time to feel extra special with family. I would go but also make my feeling well known how I feel about what they have said and done.

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