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feeling sad

(14 Posts)
piglet72 Tue 22-Jul-08 10:26:36

We have a placemnt brakdown, feeling so bad about it all. Thought we could handle it but the guilt is crazy.
One minute we want them to saty the next we are aware the we are not coping with the behaviour.
This is so horrible.

Just wanted to say all that.

Flower3554 Tue 22-Jul-08 11:09:25

aw piglet, I'm so sorry. Been there done that!

It's an awful feeling and partly why I made the decision to go back to taking only newborns.

I've seen DH cry openly twice in our lives together the first was the death of his dad and the second was when we were waiting for our placement to be collected by his new foster carer.

He won't even talk about it now but he was deeply affected at feeling that we'd failed this child.

What made it worse is that we knew we'd made the right decision for us as we were, at the time, nowhere near competent enough to help this child.

I hope you are getting support. Take care.

piglet72 Tue 22-Jul-08 12:58:01

Thanks Flower,
I know we have made the right decision, but it is breaking our hearts. I can totally understand the feeling of failing the child. We know all the textbook stuff but it does not help the feeling.
The truth is we have been pushed to our limits and we have to do what is best for all of us.
Thanks for you words; sometimes it is just nice to know you are not alone.
I must admit we are unsure of our next move, in terms of fostering. We need a little time to think.
Big Hugs to you.

Flower3554 Tue 22-Jul-08 16:03:18

Your very welcome piglet, in our case we had other children in placements with us so it was a case of dust yourself down etc.

I remember at our next review the childs social worker was more than scathing about us in her report and had we not had an excellent link worker things may not have gone as well for us.

We learned that she had attempted to persuade one of our placements social worker to move her placement on as we were'nt suitable foster carers. Luckily the other social worker was experienced enough to tell her that she was more than pleased with the care we were giving her placement.

Take some time if you can to catch your breath and I'm sure you'll be ok. Don't let this one case be the end of fostering for you.

Take care
Flower xx

betterhalf Tue 22-Jul-08 16:14:59

We've had placement breakdowns, and so know the feeling of guilt you have.
I think its far more common than you think and fostering is a total learning process and you get more skills to cope the longer you foster.No training programme makes you ready for the realities of fostering. It's only actually doing it that teaches you. Having said that, there will always be the children that for one reason or another push to the limits of you tolerance and endurance and you have to know when to move on from that.

Hugs to you.

piglet72 Wed 23-Jul-08 21:26:52

Thanks betterhalf, you have hit the nail on the head there. is all well and good, but the real thing is totaly different.
Feels like all our family are judging our decision, because, as usual, he is really well behaved with them. Tried to explain to them that the true colours only come out when they feel safe, and few hours stay with them is not safe!!!
Never mind, luckly we have a holiday booked so a well needed rest, then look at the options open to us.
It is so nice to have this space. we have spoken to friends but you guys have made more sence that all of them.
Big hugs all round.

betterhalf Thu 24-Jul-08 10:25:03

Families are funny things. And kids are clever too. Our YP is sweetness and light to his friends and their Mum's and continually tells them how awful we are to hm!! Terrible people we are. He has every mod con in his room, gets taken to Florida for 6 weeks every year,plenty of pocket money and clothing and involved in every aspect of our lives, but likes getting the sympathy vote off them, so we are constantly seen as the wicked foster carer's by others.

People that really know us know he's talking rubbish, but we are used to getting 'dark looks' from his friends parents now if we see them in the street. When he's asked by ourselves and SW's if he has a problem with us, his answer is No, and he loves being with us,hmm

He's at the age where we are all stupid, we know asolutely nothing and everything asked of him results in 'Why'. Don't you just love teenagers!


piglet72 Fri 25-Jul-08 09:59:10

Sounds a complete joy.
We have just found out that out little one will be going next week, feeling a little sad about it all, but know it is for the best.
I must say, that if you asked us three weeks ago, we would have said. NO more fostering, we just can't do it. But now........ Who knows. we promised ourselfs we would not make a decision untill he has moved on and we have time to think, I am really pleased we did that, other wise i think we would have regreted any decision.
Still I am gratful that he came into our lives. We have learned ALOT over the past few months....grin

betterhalf Fri 25-Jul-08 11:00:43

I look on fostering as totally character building. It's amazing what you can cope with when you have to.

There are lots of joys to be had with it too. Sometimes it's easy to get bogged down with the bad times, but we have had some great fostering experiences.

Considering we were only planning on doing it for a couple of years we are now in our 10th odd year of it, so there must be something good in it. That or we're just gluttons for punishment!grin

piglet72 Mon 28-Jul-08 12:35:15

Well, it is here, only a day left now. can't believe he will not be in our home any more!
You guys that have been doing this for years are amazing.
I hate having a heavy heart!

Flower3554 Wed 30-Jul-08 06:18:55

Oh piglet I'm sorry I missed your post on Monday.

I hope you're ok. xxx

piglet72 Wed 30-Jul-08 15:41:45

Left this morning. feel very strange about it all. One minute fine, next crying. Goodness!!
Was fine untill his SW called to aska quick question an i could hear him in the background.......Bless, won't be hearing that more.
This has go to be the hardest thing. How you do it Flower with your Lo i have no idea.
How has this week gone for you? I got sent soen fairy dust today to heal, so will send some your way.
anyone who thinks Fostering is easy (and we have meet a few in the past months) has NO IDEA!
Big hugs

Flower3554 Wed 30-Jul-08 17:29:42

aw piglet I know exactly what you meansad

The carer our placement went to sent me some photo's of him a few weeks after he moved and I sobbed buckets because he was wearing the last outfit I'd bought for him in themsad

It's going well for our lo and his new mummy but it's early days, I'm finding it very difficult today because she's been here since 7.30am and will be here til he goes to bed, me-thinks he needs an early nightwink

She is nice but it's very wearing having someone follow you about all day, and if she tells me I'm wonderful one more time I'm going to bite hershockwink

Take care piglet xxx

betterhalf Sun 03-Aug-08 17:44:38

Only just caught up with this thread. Hugs to you Piglet.

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