What helps an older teenager settle in

[EdwardWoodwoodWould]

I have an older teenager coming soon who is leaving foster care and will be supported lodging with me until they get their own place. I want them to feel welcome and supported and would welcome any advice anyone has. I thought maybe rather than 'the rules of the house' making them a little how the house works guide, like with the Wi-Fi codes in, when dinner is usually cooked for, how the washing machine works in a similar style to the ones you get in holiday cottages. I was planning to take them to buy their own bedding and towels but would welcome advice on if this seems like something that might be seem as excluding them in your stuff/mine kind of way. It will be the first time I've done any fostering so all feedback welcome

[BrilliantBetty]

I think the guide to the house sounds like a good idea.

I think it would be nice to have the bedroom already set up for when they arrive though, so unless you get to meet them before they actually move in I would probably just set it up in advance. Perhaps buy a second set together.

[EdwardWoodwoodWould]

That would make sense, thank you Betty. What do 'normal' placements do to help a single older child settle in anyone please?

[SpagettiHoopaloop]

I lived in a similar set up when I was 18 to 19.

You could ask them what kind of food they like, or take them food shopping with you to choose/help? The carer I lived with used to cook a lot of curry for example. I hate curry. Always have done. So I often wouldn't eat (at all) and it caused so many arguments between us.

Be reasonable. The same carer used to send me away for respite every so often (to a carer around 2 hours away) and I had to pay for my own train and bus tickets to get there and back. One time I had no money (through no fault of my own, I hadn't been paid my job seekers allowance, which was my only income) so I had to sell (at her insistence) one of my possessions in order to pay for the transport costs. I would have paid her back if she'd just been reasonable.

I think your idea of a house guide is excellent. I would have loved to have been able to choose my own bedding as well. It would have made the room feel a bit more like my own

Good luck :)

[EdwardWoodwoodWould]

Thank you for replying Hoopaloop. I'm sorry you had such an awful experience. I hope to be able to do a lot better than that for the young person. As for food, I was planning to ask what food they liked and invite them to come shopping so they get a sense of budgeting and meal planning that way as well as accommodating their food tastes. My aim is for them to feel rooted so if you have any other suggestions to help with that, I'd love to hear them. I'm trying not to be overwhelmingly and at the same time don't want them to feel like they're being bought iyswim?

[EdwardWoodwoodWould]

@SpagettiHoopaloop even

[AerialEmma]

It's sound counterproductive but I wouldn't be to full on with them.

I would set their room up but in quite neutral colours (we did greys). And let them add splashes of colour to it if they want. I.e my daughter's room is grey but she chose some yellow cushions and lampshades. Where as our foster daughter has grey but has accessorized with purples.

We basically let our foster child come to us. We obviously introduced ourselves, showed her round and asked about food preferences and said we were about if she wanted us. But that she's welcome to just settle in. And she opted for that.

Reality is most teenagers don't really wanna socialise with parents. My daughter spends most of her time in her room. And the foster teen is the same. And she seems pretty settled and happy.

[EdwardWoodwoodWould]

Yes, I think I need to be mindful of that @AerialEmma thank you. What do you do regarding the extras - take her shopping for them, or give her the money to go herself or did she buy them herself?

[picknmix1984]

I'm not a foster carer but I've taught lots of kids in care and have teenagers. I wouldn't overpower her to be honest. They will either be wary and standoffish or overly attached is my experience of working with teens with this background . Be kind but clear about boundaries and expectations. Ask them what they like to eat and what if any their routine has been. You may find a TV programme you like in common which can really break the ice. It will probably be Gogglebox!

[EdwardWoodwoodWould]

Thank you @picknmix1984, I like the idea of finding some common ground through a tv programme. I'm realising I was thinking in a way that could have made it overwhelming which is the opposite of what im trying to achieve so everyone's feedback is really helpful.

[gettingusedtothelimelight]

Couldn't work out if it was a boy or girl but if it's a girl make sure you have san pro readily available so that she's able to help herself as they might be embarrassed asking for it.

[niceupthedance]

Do they know the area? If not maybe include in the house guide local bus route (and last bus home!) gym, cinema etc.

[EdwardWoodwoodWould]

Thank you @gettingusedtothelimelight, good idea, there's always some in the bathroom in case visitors in non Corona times get caught out. @niceupthedance they don't know it well so they're good suggestions.

[AerialEmma]

I let her pick them but over time and I ordered. It gave us something to sit and discuss. But waited a few days for her to settle before asking and allowed it to happen naturally.

[EdwardWoodwoodWould]

That sounds like a good idea.