I have name changed for this as I am interested in opinions but it's going to need me to divulge a lot of detail, so... technically not fostering but I am hoping this is the best place for such a complicated issue.
TLDR: twin nieces with troubled family history need somewhere to live permanently and I am considering taking them on despite 4 young children of my own. What advice/considerations do those with experience have?
The long story:
I am a SAHP to 4DC, 6yo, 3yo, 9mo twins. I have 8yo nieces (twins). All children get on well.
Currently I manage well with my 4. It's busy but not too chaotic (usually)! OH earns a good salary and his work is unaffected by corona.
My nieces' mum (SIL) never wanted them but due to a highly religious family, did not seek an abortion when she got pregnant. She was a single mum, dad is a guy who is lovely but has significant MH problems and is unable to be a reliable father. He visits a few times a year (lives abroad) but is in contact often with the girls.
SIL moved back in with PIL when she had the girls and avoided doing pretty much everything, bar feeding and changing the babies (even then...) It was left mostly to MIL to care for them. Eventually MIL found it too much and asked SIL to move out when girls were 5. She decided to move abroad to MIL's home country to live with grandPIL. After only a few months, she was asked to leave and get state accommodation as they couldn't cope with the extra work of looking after her plus the twins (they are in their 90s and SIL does nothing around the house and hands off all child-related responsibilities at every opportunity).
SIL and nieces moved into state accommodation and things seemed to be ok for a few months, with grandPIL keeping tabs on them. This was until the week before Christmas where MIL got a phone call from 7yo granddaughter saying there were some men round and she thinks mummy is dead in the flat. Horrendous. She had taken a drugs overdose, but was ok after hospital treatment. The men were friends and often over, with girls left to occupy themselves in their room. We don't know how long this went on for, but children were immediately removed from SIL and flown back to the UK to stay with PIL with mum in rehab. (SIL has not expressed remorse for this, and some other issues brought to light by all this)
She has since left rehab but PIL have been waiting for her to ask after arrangements for the girls. She has no job (never has) and will be made homeless soon as she won't get her allowance for the children anymore. She hasn't bothered to get in touch with PIL about arrangements for their return, despite speaking every week or so, and they have become primary carer for the girls. This arrangement worked ok until ~March where FIL was diagnosed with cancer. He is mid-70s and undergoing aggressive treatment and MIL is understandably finding things incredibly hard, especially as girls have not found a local school place so in addition to caring for FIL and the children during a pandemic, she is also home schooling in her second language (in a curriculum new to the girls as their school has now stopped supporting home learning since term started)
Sorry for all that context but I have tried to be as concise as I can. So onto my question:
Our local school has space for the girls. I feel we have capacity to take them, just about (though it will obviously be v hard work). However, I am acutely aware of the effect this could have on my children, especially as the girls are likely not to have come out of this unscathed.
While we are considering what's best for everyone involved, I am interested in anyone's thoughts who has experience with a large family, similar family issues, taking on anything similar really to hear what considerations you'd make in our shoes to help us make the best choice we can.
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11 replies
DilemmasAhoy · 20/09/2020 14:21
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