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Advice on how to approach this?

(7 Posts)
Coppercreek Tue 25-Aug-20 00:19:32

2 years ago we had new neighbours who have 2 sisters as foster children

The eldest has ended up becoming best friend with our DD, child is 11 our DD is 9.

We booked a holiday and had spare space in our caravan and asked neighbours if FC (foster child) would like to come, we had the necessary police,.Doctor and school checks and are currently halfway through a week in the lake district.

However the FC is very attached to my DP, she has never really had a father figure and think she really enjoys spending time with him.

However the attention she gives him is somewhat inappropriate, following him to the bathroom chatting, wanting a kiss goodnight when our DD gives him a kiss goodnight, always trying to sit on him or next to him and DD is finding it quite frustrating as she wants to play with her friend but she just wants to sit with DP.

Her social worker does daily welfare checks and we asked him how to approach that some things are not appropriate and he basically said to tell her to go away l, no you cannot come near me etc

This feels a little harsh, despite being 2 years older than DD she is very young emotionally and trying to find a nice way to tell her that she cannot do such things without making it feel like we don't like her or don't want her around.

As well as trying to explain that she has different rules to our children, we told DD before the holiday not to come in our room in the mornings etc as FC was not allowed and it would make her fell left out but DD each morning has come to our room like she does at home to say good morning and have a cuddle and I feel terrible telling FC she cannot come to our door or in our room to chat when they wake up.

Has anyone with experience got any advice on how to explain these things without making her feel singled out or like DP doesn't want her around? He wants to treat her like one of ours but obviously we have a lot of rules for bringing her with us and we cannot break these as she will not be allowed to stay with us again and we would love to bring her again, she is such a sweet child and her and DD get along so well and she has really enjoyed coming on a family holiday which is not something she has done before.

OP’s posts: |
ChooksAndBooks Tue 25-Aug-20 11:08:09

I would tread very carefully here.

You need to explain to your DD that things are going to be a bit different for this week. No coming into our room for cuddles, but you can have a big hug when we are up. Reinforce this. Gently remind her she can't come in and that you'll be out in a few minutes. Can your DD just hug you goodnight for the next few days rather than kiss? Or only kiss if her friend wasn't there (If she's in the shower, for example). I wouldn't suggest your daughter stops kissing you indefinitely but as you're only in this situation for less than a week now it seems appropriate.

The rules are largely put in place to protect your DH against allegations, so any relaxing of these rules puts him (as allegations are almost always against the male carer) at risk.

Tell the foster child that we do not sit on adult's knees. If she tries again have your DH stand up and move away. Direct the girls to another activity maybe.

We have a FD who is 10. We are fond of her, but we have a responsibility to keep her, my DH and everyone else in the family safe, and so some things had to change when we started fostering.

Tacca Thu 27-Aug-20 00:45:23

We have two children that are 8, one is ours and the other is a foster child.

I think sometimes we don't give children enough credit and we have explained the different rules to both of them and why they are there. It shows them their is a good reason for the rules and that you still love them both, the rules are just their for everyone's protection.

Once they understand why things are the way they are, the foster child was able to get past the being treated slightly differently in our case. Once she knew it was not us that made the rules and not being able to do certain things was not a big issue.

After that it was just about giving her the attention she wanted in a different way. Joking together, playing pranks, sports, going overboard on praise for everything she does, teaching her things she has never done before.

Foster children just want to be accepted, loved and to fit in, just like any child. It is just about doing it in the best way.

Coppercreek Sat 29-Aug-20 22:55:22

So we are home, and managed to have a reasonably good rest of the holiday but not sure we would do it again in a hurry!

Just realised that perhaps the girls don't get on as well as we thought. Both me and DP have fond memories of taking friends away with us but the girls mostly bickered. DP found having to constantly change his own behaviour quite difficult.

However foster child had a great time of which I am really glad as she has never done a family holiday and she really enjoyed the experience, sadly our own kids found the dynamic change too hard, you live and learn!

OP’s posts: |
Cassimin Wed 02-Sep-20 17:13:55

And this is why I always feel apprehensive when people come on here wanting to foster when they have young children.
I agree sometimes it can work but I feel that your own children have to give up so much when another child joins the family and your family dynamics change a great deal.
Well done for giving her the opportunity of a holiday though, my child doesn’t even get invited to birthday parties.

AmyandPhilipfan Tue 15-Sep-20 20:02:04

This is neither here nor there but why have the foster carers never taken her and her sister on holiday if they’ve had them for at least two years?

Sleepingdogs12 Tue 06-Oct-20 15:14:58

Hi, I am wondering if you've had chance to feed your observations and experience back to the SW? I assume they know how vulnerable she is but it would be useful for some of this to be documented for future planning / work I would think.

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